Grant Industries, Company Email
To: J Grant
From: E. Connors
About: Urgent
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Mr. Grant,
I know you told me not to disturb you but I think you should know that Kiara Ishida from International is on her way up and she didn’t sound very happy. Also, Mr. Theophilus doesn’t appear to be available today.
Have a great day,
Emily Connors
“Say NO to Animal cruelty!”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Good puppy
From: Grateful Master
Re: Urgent
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My gratitude Emily
Coffee. Two minutes. Hot.
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
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BOOM!
“Miss Ishida! If you wait a moment Mr. Grant will be-”
SLAM!
“Ah Kiara Ishida, how nice of you to grace me with your presence, however I’d appreciate it if you please refrain from slamming the door on my assistant. She had my coffee.”
“James Grant. We need to talk.”
“Evidently.”
“What the hell did you do to Andrew Theophilus?”
“Taught him a lesson”
“Oh please. This isn’t high school.”
“I’m aware of that Kiara. Stop treating me like I’m still seventeen.”
“You remember me now.”
“It wasn’t difficult. A little less Krispy Kreme, a little less oily and a little less metallic – but still Kiara Ishida, Environment Group Leader, Chess Club Champion and President of the Student Representative Council through and through.”
“You’re still pathetic bully through and through too. Oh a little taller, a little sleazier, and hell – a little richer. But you’re still the same.”
“I am not the same.”
“Oh yes you are.”
“Prove it.”
“Fine.”
“Fine?”
“Fine. Andrew! Come in!”
“What the hell has Andrew got anything to do with – Andrew! Andrew? What the hell? First your hair is all slicked back now you’re wearing purple sunglasses!”
“Those are not purple sunglasses you idiot! Those are black eyes, Mr. Grant. Please explain your business ethics to me before I withdraw from this merger.”
“Now, now, don’t look at me like that, Jay…”
“Don’t call me that, Andrew. I’ll deal with you later.”
“Care to explain, Mr. Grant, as to why one of your most loyal and patient employees is currently sporting, two black eyes.”
“Incompetence, among other things. As usual, Miss Ishida, Mr. Theophilus here failed to meet the standard that I uphold at my esteemed company.”
“Then why not do what the sane members of the business community do? Put him on probation! Fire him!”
“Oh I don’t think Andrew would like that, he loves his job – don’t you Andrew? See? He’s nodding. As you said Miss Ishida, I have very loyal employees.”
“Remarkable health plan. Wonderful Christmas ham and hamper delivered to your door every year…”
“Andrew! I thought you were on my side!”
“Sorry Kiara, but Jay does have a point…I do like my job, and the money…”
“But-but, he’s breaking the law. It’s pathetic the way he treats you.”
“Andrew.”
“Yes, James?”
“Emily has my coffee. It’s growing cold. Please fetch it for me.”
“Yes, James.”
“Urgh! Unbelievable! You’re paying the man to crunch your numbers, not retrieve your coffee!”
“An employee is an employee, Miss Ishida.”
“There such things called ‘job descriptions.’”
“Yes, and mine contain only three words: Slave. For. Life… Or until I fire their sorry ass for incompetency.”
…
“Nothing to say?”
“Yes, actually. I am speechless at the way you run things around here.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. Which is why I am moving into an office here as soon as possible.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your company is in desperate need for supervision, Mr. Grant. I will make sure that your so-called business ethics are up to standard.”
“You’re joking.”
“No, I’m not. Inform whoever you need to inform that I’ll be moving in tomorrow.”
“Don’t you have your own company to run?”
“Alana is more than capable.”
“Like, hell I’d let you move in here.”
“Just watch me, Grant.”
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Ishida International, Company Email
To: My Dearest Sister
From: Your Dearest Sister
About: Infiltration
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My dearest Alana,
I require your services, and not services of the ordinary kind. I propose a favor, and all things considered, I think it’s a win-win situation. I need you utilize your feminine wiles to persuade that beloved boyfriend of yours to persuade whoever the hell he needs to, to get me into Grant’s office ASAP. Also, call that décor friend of yours. I need her in an hour. I need keys and access codes and I’ll meet you at your place at 7.
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: All Grant Industries Employees: A-G, H-L, M-Z
From: THE MAN UPSTAIRS
About: RAGING
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MY WALLS ARE PINK.
TO THE CULPRIT WHO PERMITTED THAT CONNIVING, LAW-BREAKING SHE-DEVIL AND HER GANG OF HARPIES INTO THE BUILDING: YOU WILL REGRET YOUR EXISTENCE. TONIGHT YOU DINE IN HELL!
James Grant
President and Chief Executive Officer, Grant Industries
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The Man Upstairs
From: Another Man Upstairs
Re: I LOVE THE DESIGN
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Your walls are not ‘pink’. They are ‘Andalusion Sunrise’. It’s a marvelous shade.
Stop complaining, the design is excellently ergonomic. Your office is energetic and full of life. It’s… fun. I should pass on the decorator’s number to Lavinia, she’ll simply adore it.
Michael
P.S I cannot believe you sent that to EVERY employee of Grant Industries. Now some poor bloke across the sea will think God established an account and is dealing judgments via email.
“I am a happily married man who owns a Porsche”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: “Andalusion Sunrise”
From: YOU WILL DINE IN HELL
Re: I HATE THE DESIGN
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YOU
ARE
GAY
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: You are not God
From: Mature Person
Re: You are so immature.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
‘GAY’ is not a derogatory term.
Michael
“I am happily married to a Woman, and I own a Porsche”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: James Grant, Grant Industries
From: KIshida, Ishida International
Re: RAGING
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Mr. Grant,
Amusing. Very amusing. Venting your frustrations on every single employee of your/our company? Ignore me all you want, it still won’t alter the fact that WE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM, YOU KNOW.
I can only deduce your actions to mean one thing: you fear me. You fear my resourceful ability to infiltrate your office and transform it into a sanctuary of efficiency and modern art.
Kiara Ishida,
Chief Executive Officer, Ishida-Grant International
P.S You are not God, neither are you King Leonidas. I know an EXCELLENT psychiatrist for your megalomania.
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“Ishida-Grant International?”
“Has a lovely ring to it, don’t you think?”
“Dream on, bitch.”
“Language, Grant. A game of wits is always lost when one begins using profanity. It’s hardly an appropriate weapon.”
“Then keep dreaming, you vandalizing, trespassing, invading, encroaching, intruding, bossy-little…”
“Can you please be quiet? Unless you’ve noticed, I’m trying to supervise you and run a company here.”
“That’s no fault of mine.”
“Just be quiet and run the damn company.”
“Language, Ishida.”
“Oh, shut up.”
…
“…Wow. You actually listened to me -”
“IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A -”
“Oh God…”
“ – SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL -”
“I can’t believe this.”
“WORLD AFTER ALL!”
“You done, Grant?”
…
“Good.”
“…IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL…”
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MickeyMouse: What did you do to her?
MASTER: What did I do to whom?
MickeyMouse: Ishida. I just saw her flee your office with what looks like a burgeoning migraine.
MASTER: Oh that? Since she decided to get to know me a little better, I decided to demonstrate to her my lovely singing voice.
MickeyMouse: You sing?
MASTER: No
MickeyMouse: Then what were you singing?
MASTER: A Disney Classic.
MickeyMouse: A Disney Classic? Disney? Are you meaning to say you actually had a childhood?
MASTER: Shut up, Mickey. I sang ‘It’s a Small World.’
MickeyMouse: Excruciating, Jay. She didn’t deserve that one.
MASTER: SHE HYPHENATED MY NAME! SHE HYPHENATED MY NAME. DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE CALLED THIS COMPANY? ISHIDA-GRANT INTERNATIONAL! THAT SOUNDS LIKE UTTER BULLSHIT. AND UNLESS YOU CARED TO NOTICE, SHE INFILTRATED AND REARRANGED MY OFFICE! OUR DESKS OPPOSE EACH OTHER. I FEEL LIKE I’M IN DETENTION! MY WALLS ARE ‘ANDALUSION SUNRISE’. MY LEATHER AND HARDWOOD HAVE DISAPPEARED. ALL THE YEARS I SPENT METICULOUSLY CRAFTING MY LAIR TO BECOME THE DEN OF HADES ARE AT WASTE! I HAVE POT PLANTS AND INSIPID TRINKETS HANGING FROM THE CEILING. MY OFFICE HAS PILLOWS. PILLOWS, MICHAEL. PILLOWS.
MickeyMouse: Okay, I understand that it may be an invasion of privacy and your property. But, think about it. Your office is very welcoming. No longer do I feel as though I’m walking into a medieval torture chamber.
MASTER: I HAVE AN IDEA
MickeyMouse: Oh God, what is it now?
MASTER: MICHAEL. I WANT TO SUE HER.
MickeyMouse: On what grounds?
MASTER: BREAKING AND ENTERING! VANDALISM! DEFILING PRIVATE PROPERTY!
MickeyMouse: We’re merging with them! What’s hers is yours and what’s yours is hers.
MASTER: But I’m FURIOUS
MickeyMouse: Well, don’t take it out on me. Take it out on someone else.
MASTER: I’ve already taken it out on the security guard downstairs.
MickeyMouse: Please don’t tell me…
MASTER: I fired him.
MickeyMouse: Then UN-fire him!
MASTER: NO. Not until I find out who the hell gave her the access codes to our building.
MickeyMouse: No one has the security codes except for you, me or Andrew.
MASTER: Andrew? . . . THAT TRAITOR!
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“He’s a child! An absolute child!”
“Who is, Miss Ishida?”
“James Grant! He’s a bully, a juvenile, immature, adolescent bully! It’s a wonder how he’s maintained any sort of authority, or how anyone can stand his presence! He’s an absolute child! CEO? Inconceivable!”
“How about you return to your seat? So you can calm down and vent your emotions rationally.”
“Dr. Dwyke, I will not sit back down. I will not calm down, dammit! I have a migraine the size of Jupiter and I doubt sitting down on that hideous couch will help.”
“But it will give you some lumbar support.”
“I don’t care about lumbar support! I care about ripping that man’s voice box out! I spent the entire morning listening to a never ending rendition of ‘It’s a Small World’! Are you familiar with the phrase ‘cruel and unusual torture’, doctor? ”
“The one from that Disneyland ride?”
“YES! THAT LUDICROUS SONG FROM THAT EXCRUCIATING RIDE! I HATE THAT RIDE. Even as a child I hated that ride!”
“Ah yes, your childhood. Care to elaborate further?”
“NO! The man is insufferable! He refuses to listen to reason! I feel like I’m supervising a teenager! He IS a teenager! Parochial, ruled by his penis, completely selfish and motivated by the desire to annoy. He is a child!”
“A child you say? What about your childhood?”
“You’re not listening to me! Oh why am I even here? You are of no use to me!”
“Well, I must say Miss Ishida, aside from our compulsory fortnightly visits I am surprised to see you have returned upon your own volition. What made you pay a visit?”
“Oh believe me, doctor, no offense, but this is truly a last resort. My first point of call is my sister, I’ve been venting at her for years. But right now she’s too busy with her new beau to even begin to understand my predicament. She’s too enthralled with her ‘new man’ to see beyond that little bubble of love they’ve raised around themselves. It’s disgusting.”
“… You don’t have anyone else you can ‘vent at’?”
“I don’t trust anyone else.”
“Aaahh…”
“STOP WRITING!”
“Miss Ishida, are you jealous of your sister’s relationship?”
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“Hello, you’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, Financial Advisor. My apologies for being unavailable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEP”
“You’re a great idiot for giving Alana and Kiara those access codes. In any case, Jay’s office looks like the room of a fairy princess, it’s a work of brilliance, not even you or I could piss him off so deviously. However, as your best friend and confidant, I felt it prudent to warn you that Jay’s found out and he’s on the war path.”
“O CALM DISHONOURABLE VILE SUBMISSION! A PLAGUE ON YOUR HOUSE! A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES! THE BETRAYAL! HOW DARE YOU GIVE THAT INSOLENT HARPY THE SECURITY ACCESS CODES! I’LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS, ANDREW! I’LL HAVE YOUR HEAD! MY OFFICE IS HORRENDOUSLY PINK!!! LISTEN, WHEN I FIND YOU IN WHATEVER HOLE YOU’VE AMBLED YOUR WAY INTO, EXPECT A VIOLENT COMEUPPANCE! IS HER HAND WRAPPED SO TIGHTLY AROUND YOUR BALLS THAT YOU’D EVEN SUBMIT TO SUCH TREACHERY? YOU’D BETTER GROVEL FOR FORGIVENESS, OR I’LL RIP YOUR SCROTUM OUT! YOU ARE A -”
“YOUR VOICE MAIL IS AS INSOLENT AS YOUR ARE! THE DAMN THING CUT ME OFF! YOU’RE A DEAD MAN, ANDREW! A DEAD -”
______________________________________________________________________________________
“YOU’RE A DEAD MAN, ANDREW! A DEAD – What the hell?”
“Leave Andrew alone.”
“Ishida! How dare you! How dare you hang me up.”
“You sir, are fortune’s fool.”
“Excuse me?”
“Give me a break, Grant. ‘O Calm dishonourable vile submission?’ ‘A plague o’ both your houses?’ Judging by the way you abused the lines of Romeo and Juliet, I’m sure Shakespeare would be spinning so vehemently in his grave he could helicopter himself into space.”
“It was recommended I reduce my swearing as a form of anger management.”
“So you substitute the vilest and basest form of the English language, with lines from some of the world’s greatest literature?”
“I’m artfully expressing my indignance and rage.”
“You’re spitting on Shakespeare by butchering his words and using them as profanity.”
“Tell that to the religious man every time you say ‘Oh my God’. Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain, Ishida.”
“A religious man, Mr. Grant?”
“Hardly.”
“Expected as much. You seem to be changing my opinion of you, Grant.”
“Finally admitting your attraction for me?”
“Never. You’re still a repulsive bully.”
“So what am I now?”
“A repulsive bully who knows Shakespeare.”
“And you’re a prude, colour-blind trespasser.”
“At least we’re on the same page.”
“At least.”
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M.E.M.O Grant Industries
Michael,
Is it safe? He monitors my emails. It’s too risky to use.
Andrew
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M.E.M.O Grant Industries
Come out of hiding.
The yelling stopped quite a while ago. Ishida’s in there now. I must say she is a Godsend, she knows how to shut him up and whatever shred of decency he possesses is preventing him from punching her.
I predict a change in the winds.
Michael
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M.E.M.O Grant Industries
To the insignificant and pathetic excuse for a man,
I intercept memos too.
Grovel for my forgiveness.
James “I am Big Brother” Grant
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M.E.M.O Grant Industries
Fine. I’m sorry Jay. To make up for my apparent indiscretion, I recommend you ask Ishida to leave the office or admire the view from the window.
She wouldn’t be the only one admiring the view, if you get what I mean.
Andrew
P.S You would make a fantastic stalker
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“Ishida?”
“What do you want?”
“Please close those hideous drapes, there’s a glare on my computer screen.”
“So? Deal with it.”
“It’s obscuring something very important, and has been disturbing me for the past half hour.”
“You’d better not be watching any porn.”
“I have a company to run. Who exactly do you think I am?”
“Do you really want me to answer that question?”
“Just close the damn curtains!”
“Why not do it yourself?”
“You’re closer, the drapes are on your side.”
“Sigh…Fine.”
…..
“. . . Mhmm …”
“Better?”
“Much.”
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M.E.M.O Grant Industries
Andrew
You are forgiven.
Alleluia. The pencil skirt has returned.
James
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“Ishida?”
“What now?”
“Please open the window.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Ishida?”
“What?”
“Please close the door.”
“It is closed.”
“Not properly.”
“You’re psychotic, you know that?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Ishida?”
….
“Ishida?”
….
“It’s a small worl -”
“What do you want?”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Human Resources, Grant Industries
From: J Grant, Grant Industries
About: Re-Hire
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Whomever I am paying to be an inattentive wanker,
I am shocked, that despite the meticulous hiring processes I have personally constructed for Grant Industries, I have discovered yet another sub-standard, moronic ignoramus who has been fortunate enough to have weaseled their way into my employ.
Needless to say, I was beyond perplexed to find the recently fired security guard standing beside my personal lift this morning. I was under the impression that my rage and desire to rid him from my sight was masterfully articulated yesterday. Alas, it appears I was misunderstood, due to what I can only deduce to be your utter inability to follow simple instructions, incompetence as a result of your born ineptitude and failure in all areas of life, or the fact that you are a complete arse.
Dispose of whatever junk-food product you’re currently engorging yourself with and rectify this situation immediately. I demand an explanation for the re-hire of the imbecile who permitted Kiara Ishida entry into my office. He is a security hazard, as is your severe lack of cognition.
Threatening your job security,
J Grant
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: J Grant, Grant Industries
From: Human Resources, Grant Industries
Re: Re-Hire
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Dear Mr. Grant,
Our sincerest apologies for any inconvenience that you may have been caused in reference to the immediate re-hire of the Security Personnel Randall Johnson.
Following his swift redundancy, we received a message from Kiara Ishida that he must be reinstated immediately, without fail. We apologise for any miscommunication that may have occurred regarding the reinstatement of his position. We at Human Resources suggest that further issues regarding this matter should be discussed with Miss Ishida.
From an employee who would really love to keep his job,
Lionel Lambert
Human Resources, Grant Industries
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“What authority do you have, ordering MY employees around?”
“The higher moral authority”
“The higher moral authority”
“Grant, mocking me in that baby voice isn’t an argument.”
“Listen, you sanctimonious wench, the people in this building are MY EMPLOYEES. We’ve barely begun this merger, so don’t sit there and act like you’re the boss around here. Even after the merger, you still won’t be the boss around here. You’ve moved into MY CASTLE, WOMAN! This is my company, my building, my office and my damn employees!”
“Yes. I’ve realized that, so please get out of my face. These people are your employees, not your toys. You can’t simply discard them upon your every whim, or have you forgotten why I am here? Someone must supervise your business ethics. I refuse to merge with a corporation whose President and CEO treats his office like a school playground.”
“Merge with someone else then. What the hell are you still doing here?”
“That’s none of your damn business.”
“Take a look around you, love. This IS my business.”
“If you find my presence so repulsive, why don’t you withdraw?”
“I have no intention of doing so. I still have every desire to crush Locklear Construction beneath my wee pinky.”
“Urgh, you’re worse than a child.”
“And you’re worse than my mother.”
“Probably the only woman who’ll ever love you.”
“I doubt she does.”
“I’m not surprised.”
