Ishida International, Company Email
To: Michael McArthur, Grant Industries
From: Kiara Ishida, Chief Executive Office, Ishida International
About: Friendly Conversation
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Dear Mr. McArthur,
My sincerest apologies for being unable to attend the meeting Friday night. However, I am willing to redeem myself by stopping by this afternoon for a discussion about the conditions my sister and your representatives agreed to. She didn’t seem very willing to speak of anything else but the handsome Mr. Theophilus since their lunch date two days ago. I am hoping that you will extend an invitation for me to develop good relations with you and your colleagues in order to provide a smooth and comfortable transition from two separate companies, into one unstoppable force.
I await in eager anticipation, not only to finally meet you and Mr. Theophilus, but Mr. Grant himself also.
Looking forward to your reply,
Kiara Ishida
Chief Executive Officer, Ishida International
P.S I am aware that this is extremely odd, since you are not my legal representation, however I need to know, if I wanted to sue my psychiatrist, would I sue the psychiatrist himself or sue the Department of Occupational Health and Safety which (forced) referred me to him in the first place?
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-You have just received an email from Kiara Ishida-
“… Dear Mr McArthur….. yada yada……………………………oooh…. Very interesting… ……………….ANDREW! COME HERE! QUICK!”
“Yes? You wanted something?”
“Read this.”
“Dear Mr. McArthur…………………………………………….wow, she’s exactly like him isn’t she?”
“Should we tell him that she’s coming?”
“Nope”
“I was hoping you’d say that. I’ll email a reply right now.”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Kiara Ishida, Chief Executive Office, Ishida International
From: Michael McArthur, Legal Department, Grant Industries
Re: Friendly Conversation…
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… would be most welcome. You are most welcome to drop by at any time, I am pleased that you would like to make yourself comfortable. We’ll be expecting you, I am also very keen to meet you also, Miss Ishida.
Yours Sincerely,
Michael McArthur
P.S In accordance with your legal dilemma, unless your psychiatrist has breached confidentiality or harassed you in any form, it’s HIS JOB to ask you questions of personal nature and make an assessment, regardless of his patient’s opinion.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- You have just received an email from Michael McArthur -
“Alana, come here.”
“Yup?”
“Read this.”
“………………………………………………………………………………Yeah, and?”
“He says, I’m ‘most welcome’.”
“Well I think that was very nice of Mr. McArthur, he was a very charming man when I met him, had the impression that he was like the older brother of the two.”
“I think I’ll just stop by there now.”
“Wait! Kiara, where are you going? You told them that you’d be there this afternoon.”
“I will be there this afternoon and as you have read, their reply indicates I can drop by any time I wish. I intend to redeem that invitation right now.”
“But -”
“Tell Clara to clear my morning for the hour and push back that meeting this afternoon, I have much business to discuss. Love you, bye.”
“Kiar – sigh, bye.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, downstairs Lobby café
“A tall white chocolate Mocha Frappacino please.”
“Coming right up”
“Why hello, I spotted you from a distance away, and realized I’ve never seen you before.”
“You have so many employees, Mr. Grant I doubt you’d be able to remember them all by name.”
“I also doubt that I’d ever be able to forget someone as comely and stunning as you.”
“Aha, you flatter me Mr. Grant.”
“I’m sorry, but I didn’t catch your name.”
“I didn’t give it.”
“Are you from one of our International Departments, an Asian Proprietor perhaps? What department do you work in?”
“…Yours.”
“Oh really? You mustn’t be a new assistant, because Emily is finally learning the correct procedures that are required for her occupation, and you can’t be my new secretary …who are you?”
“Believe me, you’ll find out soon enough.”
“White chocolate mocha ma’am?”
“Yes, thank you. As I was saying, you’ll discover that soon enough. I’ll see you soon James.”
“I’ll…see you soon, then.”
(meanwhile)
“Andrew! Hey, Andrew! Is that Alana Ishida speaking with Jay over there?”
“…Nnnnope, I don’t think so. She would have told me if she were coming in.”
“So who is that then?”
“…Don’t tell me…”
“Are you meaning to say, that the boss is speaking with Kiara Ishida, and he doesn’t even know it yet?”
“BWAHA! He looks like he’s trying to seduce her.”
“And failing”
“Anyone got some popcorn?”
“We’re geniuses.”
“I’ll hi-five to that, brother. Oh – Hi Jay!”
“I’ve just met the most intriguing woman.”
“Yeah, she’s pretty hot.”
“I wish to meet her again. Mike, find out who she is.”
“heh, no need.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Nothing!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Alana, I need a coffee.”
“You have one in your hand.”
“I need a new one.”
“So, how’d it go?”
“As expected. James Grant is a womanizing Vampire who’d commit to the random romp any time he feels like it, the philandering, lascivious, promiscuous immoral… there’s not even a noun for him!”
“You’ve used enough. I think your thesaurus just ran out.”
“Those were adjectives.”
“You could say Vampire.”
“I said that already.”
“At least you two have met.”
“I didn’t tell him who I was.”
“Y-You did what?”
“He thought I was some random employee and tried to chat me up. As suave and as pretty that man may think he is, he’s got another thing coming!”
“So you’re meeting them again this afternoon.”
“Yes. They’re expecting me there this afternoon. I needed to meet with James Grant on a level playing field. I need to know who I’m dealing with before I deal with them.”
“But it wasn’t a level playing field. You knew who he was.”
“And he knew who I was.”
“But, he didn’t recognize you. Let’s face it, our own father can’t recognize you.”
“Regardless, an assessment was required.”
“It’s not like you have a choice in the matter, he’s the one who’s buying us.”
“I will never allow, that egotistical man-whore run the company our family built from the back of a rickshaw.”
“Ouch, sis.”
“I will not have his stupidity besmirching the Ishida name. How they ever let that teenage boy run a multinational company, I don’t know. I don’t care what happens there this afternoon, but I remain the CEO.”
“Honey, you’ve had one conversation with the man.”
“But I know his type.”
“Just because you happened to spend six years in high school together, doesn’t mean he’s the same womanizing asshole he was when he was seventeen.”
“That was only a decade ago, you want to bet?”
“Yes, you’re noticeably different from your seventeen year old self.”
“That’s because I had ambition and drive to improve myself. You don’t know him like I do. He’s a stubborn, philandering -”
“Then you’ll know that he’s obstinate in maintaining his position. I was there that night at the restaurant, he’s as determined as you to remain the head.”
“But I have one thing he doesn’t”
“And what is that?’
“Morals”
“And what will you do if he doesn’t abdicate from the throne?”
“Seduce him right back.”
“Oh God…”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the late afternoon…
“You…”
“Hello Mr. Grant, Kiara Ishida, CEO of Ishida International, at your service.”
“You…”
“Given by your silence, I’m assuming that Mr. McArthur must have forgotten to inform you that I was stopping by today.”
“You…you were the…the café…”
“Hey Mike?”
“Yeah, Andrew?”
“I’m concerned.”
“About what?”
“Well, Jay looks… murderous right now.”
“He’s as red as a tomato.”
“I think he’s about to pop a vein.”
“On second thought, he’s a lovely shade of puce.”
“Puce? What’s that?”
“The color he is now.”
“Oh really, I’d just say that it was a marvelous shade of purple. Looks a bit plum, don’t you think?”
“Oh would you look at that, he’s completely stunned.”
“Speechless, he can’t even shake her hand.”
“Andrew, what do you think is going through his mind at the moment?”
“At the moment?.... At the moment I think he doesn’t know whether to be shocked, embarrassed or turned on. In about thirty seconds, he’s going to be thinking of fifty-eight different ways in which to murder us. Until then, I am content to sit back, relax and enjoy the show.”
“Is this worth our imminent death?”
“Totally”
“Totally”
“Wait, what’s he doing?”
“Miss Ishida, will you excuse me for just a moment?”
“Sure, Mr. Grant, we’ll be here awaiting your return before we begin.”
“Thank you.”
“Mike, where’s he going?”
“Why are you whispering?”
“Kiara’s right there.”
“Yeah, and?”
“She doesn’t need to hear our highly entertaining commentary.”
“Right, if I’m not mistaken….James was heading off into the direction of the toilet.”
“…um, Mike…is that, is that screaming?”
“…and I think I hear swearing.”
“Everyone! Quick! Come quick!”
“Emily, what’s going on?”
“I think man’s being murdered in the bathroom!”
“James!”
“Shit!”
“My, my, my, what a lively workplace you have here.”
“Miss Ishida, really, usually Grant Industries does not endorse such controversy…”
“No need to panic Mr. McArthur, on the contrary I find this situation quite amusing.”
“But Michael, what about James? Do you think something has happened to him?”
“I’m more concerned about what he’s done, actually.”
“Come, quick! I really think there’s someone in genuine distress! There’s screaming and wailing coming from the bathroom!”
…
“…Wait… it’s stopped.”
“Maybe we should check on James… he’s probably – James! Are you ok?”
“Yeah, you look, breathless are you -”
“My apologies for keeping everyone waiting, shall we begin?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello, you’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, Financial Advisor. My apologies for being unavailable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEP”
“LISTEN YOU PATHETIC WASTE OF SEX - I SAW WHAT YOU DID TODAY. I SAW YOU SCAMPER AWAY WITH MICHAEL AFTER THE MEETING LIKE VERMIN. JUST YOU WAIT! I WILL FREEZE YOU WITH COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF LIQUID NITROGEN, SMASH YOU INTO PIECES WITH MY LOVELY LEADEN SLEDGEHAMMER AND THEN I WILL ARGENTINIAN TANGO ON YOUR CRIMSON CRUSHED ICY BITS LAUGHING…UPROARIOUSLY. I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO KIARA ISHIDA IS, SO YOU’D BETTER GET ME EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ON HER. I WANT TO KNOW WHERE SHE’S BEEN, WHAT SHE DOES AND HOW SHE GOT THERE. ARE YOU LISTENING! I WANT TO KNOW EVERY HAIR ON HER HEAD – OR I’LL HAVE YOURS.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Greetings and salutations, you’ve reached the private number of Michael McArthur, the legal representation of Grant Industries who so happens to own a Porsche. So if you’re a budding car enthusiast who knows how to upgrade my engine, leave a message, if you’re a family member, friend or my wife, leave a message, if you’re a telemarketer, I will sue you and win. If you’re my boss, place the phone in its cradle and wait until tomorrow morning after you’ve had your coffee because I refuse to entertain you after business hours. If you persist, that’s harassment. BEEP”
“HARASSMENT? HARASSMENT? WHAT YOU AND ANDREW DID TO ME TODAY WAS INEXCUSEABLE! INEXCUSEABLE!! YOUR PORSCHE IS NOW REVOKED! NO MORE COMPANY CAR FOR YOU! I AM IMPOUNDING YOUR CAR INDEFINITELY! ONE MORE MOVE! JUST ONE MORE MOVE MR. MICKEY MOUSE AND YOUR BELOVED VEHICLE WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU AS METAL BEACHBALL!! GET ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT ISHIDA. NOW!!! YOU HAVE ONE HOUR.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve reached Andrew, if you’re my boss, I’m not here. BEEP”
“HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME! ANSWER YOUR MOBILE! YOU HAVE 57 MINUTES!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“BUGGER OFF! BEEP”
“Jay, calm down. Honestly, nothing was hurt but your ego, and perhaps the poor man I think you murdered in the men’s bathroom. It’s the weekend, therefore I can’t do anymore work for you. Sweet dreams, my love.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I’m not ignoring you. BEEP”
“What the bloody hell are you on about? No one was being murdered in the bathroom. I’m your BOSS. Therefore I tell YOU what to do, and when I do, you do it. 54 minutes!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“BUGGER OFF! BEEP”
“Oooh Jay, I believe I hear the tones of a dominatrix rising within you. Then who was screaming in the bathroom? I’m your financial advisor, not your assistant. Tell Emily to do it.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve reached Andrew, I’m not ignoring you. BEEP”
“Good God, is everything about sex with you? That was I screaming in the bathroom. I was experiencing a wild paroxysm in my tremendous fit of rage because I was publicly humiliated by two closest affiliates. I’m punishing you and Michael, not Emily – she brings me my Starbucks. 49 minutes!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“BUGGER OFF! BEEP”
“Then tell Michael to do it.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, the Grecian sex-god. Tell Michael to do it. BEEP”
“You great coward. Be prepared to experience a reckoning like no other!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Greetings and salutations, you’ve reached the private number of Michael McArthur, the legal representation of Grant Industries who so happens to own a Porsche, although may not for much longer. So if you’re a budding car enthusiast who knows how to upgrade my engine, leave a message, if you’re a family member, friend or my wife, leave a message, if you’re a telemarketer, I will sue you and win. If you’re my boss, please calm down. BEEP”
“47 minutes!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: My gracious, benevolent boss
From: Your employee who loves his car
About: For the love of God, don’t steal Porcia!
Attch: KIshida-doc.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attached is all the information you need.
BUT PLEASE! PLEASE! For the love of God! Don’t take away my baby! Please don’t take my Porcia away from me! I am begging you! I’ll be good, please just let her live! Please don’t murder her, like you did that man in the bathroom.
Your eternal servant,
Michael
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Gmail message
To: Pitiful peasant
From: Your liege, lord and master
Re: What the…?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Porcia? PORCIA? For God’s sake show some dignity man. You named your Porsche Porcia? I’d expect you to be a little more creative, but ah lawyers are prosaic like that. (Besides, are you not already shackled to the slave driver you call a wife?)
What are you an Andrew on about? I murdered no one in the bathroom. That was I screaming, and I blame you.
Bow down before me peasant,
Your King
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
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Gmail message
To: The divine ruler
From: your peasant
About: Bathroom drama
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Correction: You sir, are the slave driver.)
Were you being murdered in the bathroom then?
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Gmail message
To: Lowly surf
From: The Divine King
Re: Bathroom drama
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, as a matter of fact I was. The great searing stokes of excruciating public humiliation was stabbing me through the heart. Such dejection from my two closest employees has left me mortally wounded, and I still blame both you and Andrew.
Such treachery from my subjects! Such traitorous deeds!
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Gmail message
To: Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
From: Get real
Re: Bathroom MELOdrama
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stop being so melodramatic.
As a matter of fact, Kiara found the entire situation quite amusing.
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Gmail message
To: Dame Edna
From: AT LEAST I’M ROYALTY
Re: Serious issues which shall not be taken lightly
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I was potentially being murdered in the bathroom and she found it AMUSING?-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Gay Lord
From: Famous purple glasses
Re: No one was killing you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes.
I’ll talk to you later. Your pointless emails are flooding my inbox, and I don’t have much space left.
Go annoy Andrew.
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“Hello! You’ve reached Emily Connors, I’m really sorry for not being able to take your call! But if you leave a message, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible! Have a lovely day! WOOF! No – no Buster, away! Away from the phone, you’re making mummy mad! I’ll give you a doggy treat – Oh shit it’s still on - BEEP!”
“Emily! Tsk, tsk, tsk profanity on a public domain, how will you ever expect people - namely me - to be nice to someone who swears on the phone? Be useful and book an appointment with Dr. Dwyke and bring my coffee in five minutes earlier tomorrow morning. Extra hot!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greek_god28: He’s stopped harassing me
MickeyMouse: You can thank me later
Greek_god28: Why, what did you do?
MickeyMouse: Gave him what he wanted
Greek_god28: Whipped….
MickeyMouse: Oi! He was threatening Porcia! I couldn’t let her die!
Greek_god28: Dude, Porcia is A CAR. Not your wife (How is Lavinia, by the way?) Seek some professional help, please. Why not see Dwyke?
MickeyMouse: Dwyke? Who’s that? (Lavinia is very fine thank you, she’s still visiting my mother, said she needs a break from my long hours. She can’t handle Jay’s petulance)
Greek_god28: Jay’s shrink
MickeyMouse: OH he wanted to sue him, now I remember. Quite honestly I don’t think that man is any assistance at all!
Greek_god28: I think he’s excellent
MickeyMouse: Please don’t tell me that you see him.
Greek_god28: Of course not! I’m not as psychotic as James. Just think about it. James hasn’t physically assaulted either of us.
MickeyMouse: Very true…
Greek_god28: Remember last time?
MickeyMouse: Urgh! Please don’t remind me! I had to purchase a padlock for my front door! Lavinia definitely didn’t like that.
Greek_god28: Yeah, and I had to replace mine.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Chapter 2
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: My English Muffin
CC: Mike
From: James Bond
About: The bait is out
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We’ve just sent the letter of proposal over to them over at Ishida, so I suspect we should be receiving a reply quite soon. You’re lucky Mike and I were there to help you. I don’t think ‘It is my desire to purchase your stocks and bankrupt your subsidiary, Locklear Construction (the company where I have encountered service and efficiency to run a company that levels the inadequacy and incompetence of a two-year old suffering from severe debilitating dementia). I refuse to hyphenate my name and I am more than willing to discuss an alternative.’ Would make a very good impression. All for the best, my man, all for the best.
Andrew,
“Corporate City Finance – Financial Advice worth the price!”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The Greek Freak
From: The Vampire
Re: The bait is out
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I still believe my version was concise, to the point and truthful. None of that frilly, flattering nonsense you two seemed to have written. But I digress – I do seem to continually forget that we are corresponding with women here. My brutally honest words might make them cry. I’m a sexist bigot and I have come to terms with that.
All for the best,
James,
“Business and pleasure don’t mix them together – and I am still the man who signs your paychecks.”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The womanizing five-year old
From: Your tremendously patient Legal Representation
About: Reeling them in
Attch: Ishida-International-response.doc
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I’ve just received an email from Ishida International they’re willing to meet us, enclosed are all the details including a time and date. Be there, and bring your best behavior and please try not to seduce anyone, especially not the head. She’s a bitch at best.
Sincerely hoping for your compliance,
Michael
“I own a Porsche”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The audacious arse, three doors down
From: Your tremendously patient BOSS
Re: Reeling them in
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Treat me like a child again and that company car will no longer be yours.
Threatening your Porsche ownership,
J. Grant – YOUR BOSS – I own you :D
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
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Ishida International, Company Email
To: Michael McArthur, Grant Industries
CC: Andrew Theophilus, Corporate City Finance
From: Alana Ishida, Executive Office, Ishida International
Re: Proposal
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Ishida International
Innovation and couture, a step to the future
April 19th, 2008
Representatives of Grant Industries,
We have recently received your letter of proposal to merge with our esteemed corporation, Ishida International, and we express our utmost gratitude for taking such an enthusiastic interest in associating yourselves with our company. We are pleased to inform you that we accept your proposal and believe that such an alliance will be a highly beneficial to both corporations.
Regretfully, it has also come to our attention that you have received less than satisfactory service from our subsidiary, Locklear Construction. We are pleased to notify you that such transgressions of Locklear Construction have been immediately rectified and we apologize for any inconvenience caused.
Our representatives kindly offer an invitation to discuss the details of your proposal at 7:00pm at the Le Magnifique on Friday the 22nd of April, 2008, where we have taken the liberty to procure reservations.
Anticipating a positive step towards the future,
Yours Sincerely,
Alana Ishida
President, Ishida International
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Alana Ishida, Ishida International
From: J. Grant, Grant Industries
Re: Invitation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ms. Alana Ishida,
Here at Grant Industries we are delighted to hear of your acceptance and are pleased to accept your invitation. Locklear Construction will most definitely be a topic of discussion.
Looking forward to our meeting,
James Grant,
President and Chief Executive Officer, Grant Industries
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“Good Evening, Miss Ishida – is it?”
“Yes, good evening Dr. Dwyke… nice, comfortable chair you have here.”
“Thank you, so how are you?”
“Forgive me, but why am I attending this session?”
“You are here because the Department of Occupational Health and Safety has decreed that you be here. You are a charming young woman and the CEO of one of the major international corporations, you must be suffering from a lot of pressure and stress considering your young age and position of authority. So, how are you this evening?”
“Oh right, I’m meant to be telling you how I feel aren’t I? Ok… I feel impatient, apprehensive and… honestly, angry.”
“Do you know the reason behind these emotions?”
“Impatient, because no offence intended Dr. Dwyke, but I really don’t think I need to be here and I regard my mental health rather highly. Apprehensive because I’m on my way to a business dinner that could be the turning point of the best financial decision of my life (which adds to my impatience), and angry… I don’t really know why I’m angry, I just am.”
“Ah…not to worry, you’re not alone there.”
“Simply out of curiosity, what do therapists write on those notepads?”
“That is for me to know and you to wonder Miss Ishida.”
“Right…is there anything else you need to ask of me?”
“Yes, now, why do feel that you don’t need to be here?”
“Well, I’m a young, creative twenty-eight year old woman who is at the height of her career. I’m driven, ambitious and know exactly what I want, I am the head of one of the most successful and thriving corporations around. What else could a woman want?”
“Love, companionship, family perhaps…?”
“Ah, but such fairytales do not exist Dr. Dwyke. I believe you have encountered too many patients that believe they do.”
“So you have no thoughts of finding love and settling down?”
“Haha! Amusing doctor, finding love yes, but settling down? No. If I settle down I now I will be trapped into the strenuous confines that women around the world believe to be their destiny: to grow up, get married and have kids. I am an independent woman Dr. Dwyke, I do not intend to be trapped at the height of my life making smiley faces out bacon and eggs, mopping up chocolate colored vomit and driving my kids to soccer practice every Saturday morning. No, thank you.”
“So… you do not wish to be shackled down by the chains of domesticity?”
“Yes. Precisely, couldn’t have put it better myself.”
“Ah…”
…
“… Is the fact that you’re scrawling a rather long sentence on that notepad of yours, a merit to my mental health?”
“Miss Ishida, do you fear intimacy?”
“What? Are you suggesting that I am incompetent in bed – never mind. I don’t have any problems, Dr. Dwyke.”
“Miss Ishida, please tell me about your childhood.”
“What?”
“Your childhood, Miss Ishida”
“Forgive me Doctor, but if this carries on any further I will be late for a meeting with James Grant from Grant Industries.”
“What?”
“Grant Industries”
--
From the desk of Dr. L. Dwyke, Psychiatrist
Patient: Kiara Ishida
Notes: - Reserved, will relax once comfortable
- Head strong
- Independent
- Proud
- Evasive: In denial
- Fears Intimacy
- Slightly paranoid
- In denial
- Evades question about childhood
- Will be partners with James Grant, they’ll either tear each other apart or work like conjoined twins – let’s hope it’s the latter
- I’ll have my work cut out for me
- Desperately needs another session
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have received a text message from: Kiara
Hey, sis I can’t go 2 meeting held up @ psychiatrist.
He won’t let go. I’ll try make it.
In bathroom trying 2 escape.
Tell me about it later.
Dwyke is coming.
Sent: 18:55:09
22/04/08
You have received a reply from Alana
Fine. Leave me with vultures. U owe me.
Sent: 19:00:01
22/04/08
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good Evening, you’re a stunning young woman I’m assuming you must be Miss Alana Ishida, is it?”
“You flatter me Mr. Theophilus, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Ah! And one can only recognize that face who’s graced the cover of every business journal in the city! Mr. Grant it’s a pleasure to meet you, how are you this evening?”
“Fine, very fine… but I don’t think I’m the only one that’s looking very fine this evening.”
“Erm…”
“Shall we go inside?”
“Yes, Mr. Theophilus -”
“Please, call me Andrew”
“Ok then, yes Andrew I think that would be a very good idea.”
“Would you stop that, you said one sentence to her and you were already flirting!”
“Shut up, Michael.”
“I told you not to seduce anyone.”
“And I told you that I’ll confiscate that beloved Porshe of yours. Besides, she’s not the head now is she? She’s the President.”
“She happens to be Kiara’s sister.”
“Well, she’s quite the looker with that exotic Asian beauty of hers… here Michael. There’s Rachel’s number. Tell her I’m breaking up with her.”
“You haven’t done it yet?”
“Hey, what are employees for? Now I need to get in there before Andrew starts weaving his Greek God, Eros seduction tendrils around Alana so I can snag her for myself.”
--
Greek_god28: So what do you think?
MASTER: I’m quite satisfied actually.
MickeyMouse: I’m not.
Greek_god28: Pray, tell, why?
MickeyMouse: I think if Jay would stop ogling her chest every once and a while, then Locklear Construction would have been an in depth topic of discussion. Instead you spent the time seducing her, like I specifically told you not to.
MASTER: This coming from the lawyer whose online name happens to be “Mickey Mouse”
Greek_god28: Shut up the both of you. That isn’t a topic that should be discussed. We should be concerned about the business here.
MASTER: Like you can talk. You were the worst culprit of all, sitting inside her personal space, laughing at her jokes and grinning like a complete idiot.
Greek_god28: Precisely.
MickeyMouse: I’m confused…
Greek_god28: Alana Ishida shouldn’t be a topic of discussion, solely because she’s agreed to have lunch with me tomorrow afternoon. :P
MickeyMouse: Hey! Not you too! D:
MASTER: YOU’RE FIRED
Greek_god28: u serious?
MASTER: I’m not talking to you.
Greek_god28: I’m not fired. I’m too indispensible.
MASTER: THE DECEPTION!
MickeyMouse: Now you’re just overreacting.
MASTER: YOU FOUL UNWORTHY PREDATOR! I AM REVOKING YOUR PAYCHECK! I TOLD YOU TO BEWARE!
Greek_god28: Now, James
MASTER: THE BETRAYAL!
MickeyMouse: Oh, the onslaught of italics…
MASTER: Shove it Mickey!
Greek_god28: WHO WILL BE THE NEW CEO?
MASTER: Don’t change the subject – hey, wait. I haven’t the foggiest clue how you could even ask a question as ridiculous as that! I will be the CEO of course, they’re merging with US. I’M the CEO and I will REMAIN the CEO.
--
RING-RING
“Hello?”
“Hello Alana, so, how did it go?”
“Oh, hi Kiara, well um, better than expected – what kept you?”
“It’s all because of that godforsaken, senile old man. He’s absolutely delusional, and he demands that I have another session with him! I had to go to the bathroom to escape him, and I stayed in there so long that he now thinks I have agoraphobia!”
“Ouch, don’t scream.”
“Sorry, I’m on my way home now, so they’ve agreed to our terms?”
“Yes, but there are-“
“How are they? Do you think that they’re deceptive? Scheming? Planning to uproot us once they have the power?”
“Kiara, no, it’s all fine, everything is going smoothly. In fact, I’ll be on a date tomorrow.”
“What about Locklear Constructio- when the hell did you find time to find a date?”
“Now, sis, don’t be mad at me, it’s just that Andrew is a really nice man and he’s very witty and intelligent -”
“Andrew? Who the hell is Andrew? Andrew Theophilus? James Grant’s Financial Advisor? Are you suffering from dementia AND insanity? We’ll be working closely with them soon! I can’t have my employees traipsing about, snogging beside the water dispensers and trysting behind pot plants!”
“Speaking of business, there have been some negotiations…”
“Excuse me - don’t try to change the subject! Whatever happened to sisterly solidarity? Whatever happened to being single, independent women?”
“Well, it’s not all bad. I must say, even though he did try to make a pass at me, James Grant is very hot.”
“What? Alana I’ve seen the cover Forbes Magazine, he’s a Vampire.”
“Don’t you think that’s hot?”
“He’s a bloodsucking, womanizing, underhanded business man with absolutely no morals or ethics… I mean did you see that harpy he was with last week? I checked him out, he’s the perfect candidate for a drastic change.”
“So you ‘checked him out’ eh?”
“Shut up, you know what I mean.”
“Yes I know you do like your research to be thorough.”
“Alana!”
“Ha ha, ok so speaking of that, who’s going to be the CEO of this new company?”
“How can you ask that question? Me, of course”
“… right.”
To: My English Muffin
CC: Mike
From: James Bond
About: The bait is out
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We’ve just sent the letter of proposal over to them over at Ishida, so I suspect we should be receiving a reply quite soon. You’re lucky Mike and I were there to help you. I don’t think ‘It is my desire to purchase your stocks and bankrupt your subsidiary, Locklear Construction (the company where I have encountered service and efficiency to run a company that levels the inadequacy and incompetence of a two-year old suffering from severe debilitating dementia). I refuse to hyphenate my name and I am more than willing to discuss an alternative.’ Would make a very good impression. All for the best, my man, all for the best.
Andrew,
“Corporate City Finance – Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The Greek Freak
From: The Vampire
Re: The bait is out
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still believe my version was concise, to the point and truthful. None of that frilly, flattering nonsense you two seemed to have written. But I digress – I do seem to continually forget that we are corresponding with women here. My brutally honest words might make them cry. I’m a sexist bigot and I have come to terms with that.
All for the best,
James,
“Business and pleasure don’t mix them together – and I am still the man who signs your paychecks.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The womanizing five-year old
From: Your tremendously patient Legal Representation
About: Reeling them in
Attch: Ishida-International-response.doc
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’ve just received an email from Ishida International they’re willing to meet us, enclosed are all the details including a time and date. Be there, and bring your best behavior and please try not to seduce anyone, especially not the head. She’s a bitch at best.
Sincerely hoping for your compliance,
Michael
“I own a Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The audacious arse, three doors down
From: Your tremendously patient BOSS
Re: Reeling them in
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Treat me like a child again and that company car will no longer be yours.
Threatening your Porsche ownership,
J. Grant – YOUR BOSS – I own you :D
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ishida International, Company Email
To: Michael McArthur, Grant Industries
CC: Andrew Theophilus, Corporate City Finance
From: Alana Ishida, Executive Office, Ishida International
Re: Proposal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ishida International
Innovation and couture, a step to the future
April 19th, 2008
Representatives of Grant Industries,
We have recently received your letter of proposal to merge with our esteemed corporation, Ishida International, and we express our utmost gratitude for taking such an enthusiastic interest in associating yourselves with our company. We are pleased to inform you that we accept your proposal and believe that such an alliance will be a highly beneficial to both corporations.
Regretfully, it has also come to our attention that you have received less than satisfactory service from our subsidiary, Locklear Construction. We are pleased to notify you that such transgressions of Locklear Construction have been immediately rectified and we apologize for any inconvenience caused.
Our representatives kindly offer an invitation to discuss the details of your proposal at 7:00pm at the Le Magnifique on Friday the 22nd of April, 2008, where we have taken the liberty to procure reservations.
Anticipating a positive step towards the future,
Yours Sincerely,
Alana Ishida
President, Ishida International
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Alana Ishida, Ishida International
From: J. Grant, Grant Industries
Re: Invitation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ms. Alana Ishida,
Here at Grant Industries we are delighted to hear of your acceptance and are pleased to accept your invitation. Locklear Construction will most definitely be a topic of discussion.
Looking forward to our meeting,
James Grant,
President and Chief Executive Officer, Grant Industries
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good Evening, Miss Ishida – is it?”
“Yes, good evening Dr. Dwyke… nice, comfortable chair you have here.”
“Thank you, so how are you?”
“Forgive me, but why am I attending this session?”
“You are here because the Department of Occupational Health and Safety has decreed that you be here. You are a charming young woman and the CEO of one of the major international corporations, you must be suffering from a lot of pressure and stress considering your young age and position of authority. So, how are you this evening?”
“Oh right, I’m meant to be telling you how I feel aren’t I? Ok… I feel impatient, apprehensive and… honestly, angry.”
“Do you know the reason behind these emotions?”
“Impatient, because no offence intended Dr. Dwyke, but I really don’t think I need to be here and I regard my mental health rather highly. Apprehensive because I’m on my way to a business dinner that could be the turning point of the best financial decision of my life (which adds to my impatience), and angry… I don’t really know why I’m angry, I just am.”
“Ah…not to worry, you’re not alone there.”
“Simply out of curiosity, what do therapists write on those notepads?”
“That is for me to know and you to wonder Miss Ishida.”
“Right…is there anything else you need to ask of me?”
“Yes, now, why do feel that you don’t need to be here?”
“Well, I’m a young, creative twenty-eight year old woman who is at the height of her career. I’m driven, ambitious and know exactly what I want, I am the head of one of the most successful and thriving corporations around. What else could a woman want?”
“Love, companionship, family perhaps…?”
“Ah, but such fairytales do not exist Dr. Dwyke. I believe you have encountered too many patients that believe they do.”
“So you have no thoughts of finding love and settling down?”
“Haha! Amusing doctor, finding love yes, but settling down? No. If I settle down I now I will be trapped into the strenuous confines that women around the world believe to be their destiny: to grow up, get married and have kids. I am an independent woman Dr. Dwyke, I do not intend to be trapped at the height of my life making smiley faces out bacon and eggs, mopping up chocolate colored vomit and driving my kids to soccer practice every Saturday morning. No, thank you.”
“So… you do not wish to be shackled down by the chains of domesticity?”
“Yes. Precisely, couldn’t have put it better myself.”
“Ah…”
…
“… Is the fact that you’re scrawling a rather long sentence on that notepad of yours, a merit to my mental health?”
“Miss Ishida, do you fear intimacy?”
“What? Are you suggesting that I am incompetent in bed – never mind. I don’t have any problems, Dr. Dwyke.”
“Miss Ishida, please tell me about your childhood.”
“What?”
“Your childhood, Miss Ishida”
“Forgive me Doctor, but if this carries on any further I will be late for a meeting with James Grant from Grant Industries.”
“What?”
“Grant Industries”
--
From the desk of Dr. L. Dwyke, Psychiatrist
Patient: Kiara Ishida
Notes: - Reserved, will relax once comfortable
- Head strong
- Independent
- Proud
- Evasive: In denial
- Fears Intimacy
- Slightly paranoid
- In denial
- Evades question about childhood
- Will be partners with James Grant, they’ll either tear each other apart or work like conjoined twins – let’s hope it’s the latter
- I’ll have my work cut out for me
- Desperately needs another session
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have received a text message from: Kiara
Hey, sis I can’t go 2 meeting held up @ psychiatrist.
He won’t let go. I’ll try make it.
In bathroom trying 2 escape.
Tell me about it later.
Dwyke is coming.
Sent: 18:55:09
22/04/08
You have received a reply from Alana
Fine. Leave me with vultures. U owe me.
Sent: 19:00:01
22/04/08
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good Evening, you’re a stunning young woman I’m assuming you must be Miss Alana Ishida, is it?”
“You flatter me Mr. Theophilus, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Ah! And one can only recognize that face who’s graced the cover of every business journal in the city! Mr. Grant it’s a pleasure to meet you, how are you this evening?”
“Fine, very fine… but I don’t think I’m the only one that’s looking very fine this evening.”
“Erm…”
“Shall we go inside?”
“Yes, Mr. Theophilus -”
“Please, call me Andrew”
“Ok then, yes Andrew I think that would be a very good idea.”
“Would you stop that, you said one sentence to her and you were already flirting!”
“Shut up, Michael.”
“I told you not to seduce anyone.”
“And I told you that I’ll confiscate that beloved Porshe of yours. Besides, she’s not the head now is she? She’s the President.”
“She happens to be Kiara’s sister.”
“Well, she’s quite the looker with that exotic Asian beauty of hers… here Michael. There’s Rachel’s number. Tell her I’m breaking up with her.”
“You haven’t done it yet?”
“Hey, what are employees for? Now I need to get in there before Andrew starts weaving his Greek God, Eros seduction tendrils around Alana so I can snag her for myself.”
--
Greek_god28: So what do you think?
MASTER: I’m quite satisfied actually.
MickeyMouse: I’m not.
Greek_god28: Pray, tell, why?
MickeyMouse: I think if Jay would stop ogling her chest every once and a while, then Locklear Construction would have been an in depth topic of discussion. Instead you spent the time seducing her, like I specifically told you not to.
MASTER: This coming from the lawyer whose online name happens to be “Mickey Mouse”
Greek_god28: Shut up the both of you. That isn’t a topic that should be discussed. We should be concerned about the business here.
MASTER: Like you can talk. You were the worst culprit of all, sitting inside her personal space, laughing at her jokes and grinning like a complete idiot.
Greek_god28: Precisely.
MickeyMouse: I’m confused…
Greek_god28: Alana Ishida shouldn’t be a topic of discussion, solely because she’s agreed to have lunch with me tomorrow afternoon. :P
MickeyMouse: Hey! Not you too! D:
MASTER: YOU’RE FIRED
Greek_god28: u serious?
MASTER: I’m not talking to you.
Greek_god28: I’m not fired. I’m too indispensible.
MASTER: THE DECEPTION!
MickeyMouse: Now you’re just overreacting.
MASTER: YOU FOUL UNWORTHY PREDATOR! I AM REVOKING YOUR PAYCHECK! I TOLD YOU TO BEWARE!
Greek_god28: Now, James
MASTER: THE BETRAYAL!
MickeyMouse: Oh, the onslaught of italics…
MASTER: Shove it Mickey!
Greek_god28: WHO WILL BE THE NEW CEO?
MASTER: Don’t change the subject – hey, wait. I haven’t the foggiest clue how you could even ask a question as ridiculous as that! I will be the CEO of course, they’re merging with US. I’M the CEO and I will REMAIN the CEO.
--
RING-RING
“Hello?”
“Hello Alana, so, how did it go?”
“Oh, hi Kiara, well um, better than expected – what kept you?”
“It’s all because of that godforsaken, senile old man. He’s absolutely delusional, and he demands that I have another session with him! I had to go to the bathroom to escape him, and I stayed in there so long that he now thinks I have agoraphobia!”
“Ouch, don’t scream.”
“Sorry, I’m on my way home now, so they’ve agreed to our terms?”
“Yes, but there are-“
“How are they? Do you think that they’re deceptive? Scheming? Planning to uproot us once they have the power?”
“Kiara, no, it’s all fine, everything is going smoothly. In fact, I’ll be on a date tomorrow.”
“What about Locklear Constructio- when the hell did you find time to find a date?”
“Now, sis, don’t be mad at me, it’s just that Andrew is a really nice man and he’s very witty and intelligent -”
“Andrew? Who the hell is Andrew? Andrew Theophilus? James Grant’s Financial Advisor? Are you suffering from dementia AND insanity? We’ll be working closely with them soon! I can’t have my employees traipsing about, snogging beside the water dispensers and trysting behind pot plants!”
“Speaking of business, there have been some negotiations…”
“Excuse me - don’t try to change the subject! Whatever happened to sisterly solidarity? Whatever happened to being single, independent women?”
“Well, it’s not all bad. I must say, even though he did try to make a pass at me, James Grant is very hot.”
“What? Alana I’ve seen the cover Forbes Magazine, he’s a Vampire.”
“Don’t you think that’s hot?”
“He’s a bloodsucking, womanizing, underhanded business man with absolutely no morals or ethics… I mean did you see that harpy he was with last week? I checked him out, he’s the perfect candidate for a drastic change.”
“So you ‘checked him out’ eh?”
“Shut up, you know what I mean.”
“Yes I know you do like your research to be thorough.”
“Alana!”
“Ha ha, ok so speaking of that, who’s going to be the CEO of this new company?”
“How can you ask that question? Me, of course”
“… right.”
Chapter 1
List of things to do so I can achieve my ultimate goals and so my impertinent assistant will be appeased by my productivity which is conducive to a concise and structured manner
1. Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2. Sign the reports and release forms that are gradually stacking up and occupying valuable space on my large and ostentatious desk which could be used to house Starbuck’s coffee
3. Discuss with Legal representation as to why suing the most idiotically incompetent company on earth is not possible
4. Discuss with Financial Advisor as to why wishing to purchase said incompetent company is unprofitable.
5. Lunch with Rachel (she’s in town)
6. Check heads of both research and property departments on recent progress
7. Remind myself to break it off with Rachel – monogamy is not my style
8. Meet with the effeminate fruitcake to discuss my feelings (psychiatrist)
9. Dinner with Rachel – I earnestly hope that she doesn’t show
--
“Good morning Mr. Grant, how are you this morning?”
“Am I supposed to endeavor the fruitless quest for relaxation, on this hideously uncomfortable looking couch?”
“Yes, now how are you?”
“Remind me, why am I here?”
“You are here because the department of Occupational Health and Safety has decreed that you be here. You are the CEO of a major international corporation. Given your age you must be under a great amount stress and pressure. Perhaps you are also missing out on the frivolities most people your age partake on. For your own benefit, please refrain from answering my questions with questions, so, how are you?”
“I think my disposition would be rather obvious, indicated by the scowl I am giving you at the moment.”
“Ah”
“What are you writing? What is that you’re scribbling down? Despite any misconceptions you may have already conceived, I am not a nutter!”
“Are you always this attentive to your surroundings?”
“What exactly are you insinuating? That I’m paranoid?”
“What do you think I’m insinuating?”
“Don’t take that calm complacent tone with me! I know that underneath that tweed jacket and endearing smile, you think I’m insane, it’s unfortunate that I must correct your error Dr. Dwyke: I am a wealthy, successful twenty-eight year old man who is at the greatest juncture of drowning within the merits of his own success. I am like any conniving businessman Dr. Dwyke, of course I am attentive.”
“I take it that you’re rather proud of your achievements?”
“I’m at the top of my game, where my outstanding business prowess serves its best. Honestly, what else could a man possibly want?”
“Love, companionship, family perhaps…?”
“Oh God you’re not one of those effeminate metros are you?”
“So, settling down has never crossed your mind?”
“…”
“…Mr. Grant?”
“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Mr. Grant, would you care to elucidate to me exactly what to find so incredibly amusing?”
“Me? Settle down? Are you insane? I’m at the height of my success, the creator and owner of a major international corporation. I’m still young - do you know what monogamy does to you? It causes hundreds and thousands of men all over the world to be shackled down by the chains of domesticity and locks them into the bourgeois world of frills, lace, ‘The Notebook’ and ‘honey-I’m-homes’”
“Ah, I see.”
“Put that pen down!”
“Mr. Grant, please tell me about your childhood.”
“What?”
--
From the desk of Dr. L. Dwyke, Psychiatrist
Patient: James Grant
Notes: - Proud man, must have been introduced to luxury as a child
- arrogant
- evasive: in denial
- Paranoid
- Independent
- Proud
- In denial
- Fears intimacy – must be from parental example
- In denial
- Evades questions about childhood and is seemingly amused by my frustrations
- In denial
- Desperately needs another session
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The person with the desk outside my office
From: Your boss
About: My coffee on my desk in five minutes! It had better be hot! Five minutes!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emily, you’re an intern and my assistant, it’s you’re first week so I’ll go easy on you. It takes exactly two seconds for this email to transmit from my office to your computer screen. That leaves you with four minutes and fifty-eight seconds to bring me my black. I’ll add on the extra two seconds because I know it will demand more time for you to fetch Michael (my lawyer) for me. Bring him in - I want to sue someone.
James Grant
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Emily, why does this coffee not have a coaster? Bring me back a coaster.”
“Morning Jay, what’s this about?”
“Yes – Where the bloody hell is my coas – OW! Thank you, but you didn’t have to throw it. I think it might bruise. Michael I need to sue someone.”
“Again? Jay, you can’t just sue people left, right and centre”
“Why the hell not?”
“Number one, you can’t sue Locklear Construction for making you angry and number two, er, uh…who’s this next guy you want to take down?”
“The Government Department of Occupational Health and Safety”
“Sigh…James, you can’t just – do that.”
“Why? I want to.”
“And why do you want to?”
“Because, by this stupid new law I have just spent the last two hours, in the office of an effeminate fruitcake of a psychiatrist taking a good ol’ trip down memory lane where I have just answered stupid little questions such as ‘how was your childhood?’ and ‘how do you feel about that?’ oh but most of all ‘How does that particular memory make you feel?’ – It was a complete waste of precious time that I could have utilized in expanding my ever-growing business empire!”
“That…that’s not an illegal foundation that’ll hold up in court”
“Don’t shake your head at me! It’s an explicit violation of my privacy! How dare he ask me those questions of such personal nature! He also ruined the order of my day! Look! … See here, he’s eighth and he demanded to be first! And – and you know what, we can sue Locklear Construction for false advertising! They promise us service and what do we get? Incompetence!”
“Jay, if everyone in the world was like you, we’d all be petulant children.”
“I resent that, you ponce.”
“Goodbye James”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: James Grant, Grant Industries
From: Andrew Theophilus, Corporate City Finance
About: Locklear Construction
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don’t do this James! Just, don’t. Do not proceed to purchase Locklear Construction. You WILL lose hundreds of millions of dollars. Not many people are happy with them either, and if you buy the company, you’re also going to have to pay off their debt and be sued along with them. As your FINANCIAL ADVISOR I suggest that you merge with their parent corporation, Ishida International. They’re on the lookout for a company to merge with, you see and if you do this, Locklear Construction will be our subsidiary! Then you can crush them. Furthermore, if you merge with Ishida International, you will then be owner of or partners to the major corporations leading in research, media and property in the world. You WILL gain hundreds of millions of dollars.
Think about it.
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance, Financial advice at half the price!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The insufferable Freak
From: The richest man in the world
Re: I’ve had a really bad morning… and Locklear Construction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY NAME WILL NOT BE HYPHENATED!
James
PS. Change your motto, I give you hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: The Petulant Child
From: Your ADVISOR
Re: Locklear Construction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My God, Michael was right. You are a petulant child. You change your motto - you don’t sign my paycheck, well sort-of. Anyway you are not the richest man in the world so get over yourself. We all suffer from Monday-itis.
Seriously, think about what I said.
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance, Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello, you’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, Financial Advisor. My apologies for being unavailable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEP”
“Dear God man, your message tone is about as boring and lifeless as your ties. What’s this about merging with Ishida International? I think if all goes to plan, soon, Locklear Construction will be mine! MINE! I will not hesitate to bankrupt any poor worthless soul who dares advertise competent service and provide me with less than satisfactory, sub-standard knock-offs, failing to reach the caliber that I uphold for my own company! Just you wait and see! Locklear Construction will suffer! -”
“… I think the damn thing just cut me off. Anyway, I’m here at the Bayside Club in the city. I’ll meet you here in forty-five to discuss this thing with Ishida International.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I dare not allude to what astounding illegal measures you have partaken to acquire this number, so unless you wish for me to strip you of your livelihood and watch with moderate amusement as you live clinging to the bare strands of survival on a God-forsaken spit of land, you had better save your breath for someone else. Because this is all your message will mean to me – nothing! BEEP.”
“JAMES IT IS THREE O’CLOCK IN THE BLOODY MORNING! Unlike you I have a LIFE. I NEED MY SLEEP! I don’t have time to listen to your future plans for world domination. So excuse me while I lose myself in the depths of an UNITERRUPTED slumber as I attempt to enjoy the only suspended state of blissful oblivion, that working for you have forthwith deprived me of. We will discuss Ishida International later this morning. Good day to you sir!”
--
List of things to do so I can achieve my ultimate goals and so my impertinent assistant will be appeased by my productivity which is conducive to a concise and structured manner
1. Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2. Reprimand Andrew for not meeting me at the bayside
3. Discuss with Michael and Andrew the prospects of merging with Ishida International
4. Lunch with Rachel, must bring up topic of breaking it off
5. Meeting with Head of the Department of Research – seems like good news
6. Drafting with Michael and Andrew the contracts and proposal letter
7. See if Ishida International has agreed to a time and place in which to meet
8. Remind myself to break it off with Rachel if mission impossible has failed
--
“Emily! Where’s my coffee? It had better be – oh and would you look at that. You even brought me a coaster. See? You’re learning.”
“Jay, she just gave you the eye-roll.”
“Good morning Andrew, why didn’t you meet me at the bayside? And why is your hair slicked back? It’s ridiculous, you look like James Bond.”
“Forgive me if I’m not the blond-haired blue-eyed English Muffin that you are. I actually appreciate my rugged Mediterranean physique. I’m tall dark and handsome and you - you simply look like a Vampire from an Anne Rice novel.”
“Why didn’t you meet me there this morning? You kept Rachel and I waiting.”
“You and Rachel? I thought you would have already given her the flick. You said that monogamy was not your style.”
“It isn’t, she’s a possessive, obsessive wench, that’s what she is. Why didn’t you meet me?”
“No need to be testy, little girl. You see, at night, I do something that you may be familiar with. It’s called sleep. You should try it, then perhaps you wouldn’t drink coffee strong enough to wake a dead horse and then you might be as so kind not to bark at your poor assistant every morning.”
“Don’t push it you Greek Freak.”
“You know you love me.”
“No. I love Michael, now shove off and help me differentiate the pros and cons of merging with Ishida International.”
“So, are you ready to meet Kiara?”
“Who the bloody hell is Kiara? You’re not pimping again, are you?”
“No, Kiara is the head of Ishida International of course.”
“…”
“Jay?”
“…”
“James? Are you alright? Are you blushing?”
THWACK!
“Argh! …What the hell? Jay! Oh look, and it was on my good cheek too, and now it’s going to bruise. I’m going to have to borrow a bit of Nancy’s make up to cover this up.”
“Of course I’m not blushing, you Greek Freak! Can’t you tell that my face is flushed with tremendous rage? How could you not inform me that the head of Ishida International was a woman! You know I cannot work with women!”
“Oh? Is that why Emily is the fourth assistant you’ve hired this month?”
“What the hell do you mean?”
“Oh come on, last week you fired that hottie, Sandra for – what was it? Oh yes, cleavage.”
“Exactly, she wasn’t displaying enough. She was wearing a turtle neck in spring. That’s an insult to testosterone.”
“What? That’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard…You fire people left, right and centre for the most pitiful reasons. It’s so ridiculous, I think your Human Resources manager is threatening to resign.”
“And she’s a woman! A man has got to have pride in his name and my name will not be hyphenated by a woman!”
“Oh for goodness sake, no one is going to get their name hyphenated.”
“But you know I don’t work well with women. I prefer to ruthlessly underhand males, look Emily already hates me and if you were female I’m sure you would be crying by now.”
“I imagine that you wouldn’t punch your female employees either. The only reason why Emily hates you after her first day is because you need to learn how to loosen up and get to bed a decent time.”
“I do get to bed at a decent time, it’s just that I don’t fall asleep unti – never mind.”
“Good, I don’t want to know what time you manage to get some shut eye after you and Rachel have finished.”
“Precisely my point, ‘business and pleasure don’t mix them together’ that’s my rhyming motto.”
“I thought your motto was ‘Beware, I sign your paychecks?’ …Regardless, if you can be mature about this and keep James Jr. down, then you’d might as well be one of the most successful, resourceful and wealthiest men in the world.”
“Hmm, that does sound enticing… Fine. Emily! Bring in Michael, we have a proposal to discuss.”
1. Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2. Sign the reports and release forms that are gradually stacking up and occupying valuable space on my large and ostentatious desk which could be used to house Starbuck’s coffee
3. Discuss with Legal representation as to why suing the most idiotically incompetent company on earth is not possible
4. Discuss with Financial Advisor as to why wishing to purchase said incompetent company is unprofitable.
5. Lunch with Rachel (she’s in town)
6. Check heads of both research and property departments on recent progress
7. Remind myself to break it off with Rachel – monogamy is not my style
8. Meet with the effeminate fruitcake to discuss my feelings (psychiatrist)
9. Dinner with Rachel – I earnestly hope that she doesn’t show
--
“Good morning Mr. Grant, how are you this morning?”
“Am I supposed to endeavor the fruitless quest for relaxation, on this hideously uncomfortable looking couch?”
“Yes, now how are you?”
“Remind me, why am I here?”
“You are here because the department of Occupational Health and Safety has decreed that you be here. You are the CEO of a major international corporation. Given your age you must be under a great amount stress and pressure. Perhaps you are also missing out on the frivolities most people your age partake on. For your own benefit, please refrain from answering my questions with questions, so, how are you?”
“I think my disposition would be rather obvious, indicated by the scowl I am giving you at the moment.”
“Ah”
“What are you writing? What is that you’re scribbling down? Despite any misconceptions you may have already conceived, I am not a nutter!”
“Are you always this attentive to your surroundings?”
“What exactly are you insinuating? That I’m paranoid?”
“What do you think I’m insinuating?”
“Don’t take that calm complacent tone with me! I know that underneath that tweed jacket and endearing smile, you think I’m insane, it’s unfortunate that I must correct your error Dr. Dwyke: I am a wealthy, successful twenty-eight year old man who is at the greatest juncture of drowning within the merits of his own success. I am like any conniving businessman Dr. Dwyke, of course I am attentive.”
“I take it that you’re rather proud of your achievements?”
“I’m at the top of my game, where my outstanding business prowess serves its best. Honestly, what else could a man possibly want?”
“Love, companionship, family perhaps…?”
“Oh God you’re not one of those effeminate metros are you?”
“So, settling down has never crossed your mind?”
“…”
“…Mr. Grant?”
“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Mr. Grant, would you care to elucidate to me exactly what to find so incredibly amusing?”
“Me? Settle down? Are you insane? I’m at the height of my success, the creator and owner of a major international corporation. I’m still young - do you know what monogamy does to you? It causes hundreds and thousands of men all over the world to be shackled down by the chains of domesticity and locks them into the bourgeois world of frills, lace, ‘The Notebook’ and ‘honey-I’m-homes’”
“Ah, I see.”
“Put that pen down!”
“Mr. Grant, please tell me about your childhood.”
“What?”
--
From the desk of Dr. L. Dwyke, Psychiatrist
Patient: James Grant
Notes: - Proud man, must have been introduced to luxury as a child
- arrogant
- evasive: in denial
- Paranoid
- Independent
- Proud
- In denial
- Fears intimacy – must be from parental example
- In denial
- Evades questions about childhood and is seemingly amused by my frustrations
- In denial
- Desperately needs another session
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The person with the desk outside my office
From: Your boss
About: My coffee on my desk in five minutes! It had better be hot! Five minutes!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emily, you’re an intern and my assistant, it’s you’re first week so I’ll go easy on you. It takes exactly two seconds for this email to transmit from my office to your computer screen. That leaves you with four minutes and fifty-eight seconds to bring me my black. I’ll add on the extra two seconds because I know it will demand more time for you to fetch Michael (my lawyer) for me. Bring him in - I want to sue someone.
James Grant
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Emily, why does this coffee not have a coaster? Bring me back a coaster.”
“Morning Jay, what’s this about?”
“Yes – Where the bloody hell is my coas – OW! Thank you, but you didn’t have to throw it. I think it might bruise. Michael I need to sue someone.”
“Again? Jay, you can’t just sue people left, right and centre”
“Why the hell not?”
“Number one, you can’t sue Locklear Construction for making you angry and number two, er, uh…who’s this next guy you want to take down?”
“The Government Department of Occupational Health and Safety”
“Sigh…James, you can’t just – do that.”
“Why? I want to.”
“And why do you want to?”
“Because, by this stupid new law I have just spent the last two hours, in the office of an effeminate fruitcake of a psychiatrist taking a good ol’ trip down memory lane where I have just answered stupid little questions such as ‘how was your childhood?’ and ‘how do you feel about that?’ oh but most of all ‘How does that particular memory make you feel?’ – It was a complete waste of precious time that I could have utilized in expanding my ever-growing business empire!”
“That…that’s not an illegal foundation that’ll hold up in court”
“Don’t shake your head at me! It’s an explicit violation of my privacy! How dare he ask me those questions of such personal nature! He also ruined the order of my day! Look! … See here, he’s eighth and he demanded to be first! And – and you know what, we can sue Locklear Construction for false advertising! They promise us service and what do we get? Incompetence!”
“Jay, if everyone in the world was like you, we’d all be petulant children.”
“I resent that, you ponce.”
“Goodbye James”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: James Grant, Grant Industries
From: Andrew Theophilus, Corporate City Finance
About: Locklear Construction
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don’t do this James! Just, don’t. Do not proceed to purchase Locklear Construction. You WILL lose hundreds of millions of dollars. Not many people are happy with them either, and if you buy the company, you’re also going to have to pay off their debt and be sued along with them. As your FINANCIAL ADVISOR I suggest that you merge with their parent corporation, Ishida International. They’re on the lookout for a company to merge with, you see and if you do this, Locklear Construction will be our subsidiary! Then you can crush them. Furthermore, if you merge with Ishida International, you will then be owner of or partners to the major corporations leading in research, media and property in the world. You WILL gain hundreds of millions of dollars.
Think about it.
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance, Financial advice at half the price!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The insufferable Freak
From: The richest man in the world
Re: I’ve had a really bad morning… and Locklear Construction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY NAME WILL NOT BE HYPHENATED!
James
PS. Change your motto, I give you hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: The Petulant Child
From: Your ADVISOR
Re: Locklear Construction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My God, Michael was right. You are a petulant child. You change your motto - you don’t sign my paycheck, well sort-of. Anyway you are not the richest man in the world so get over yourself. We all suffer from Monday-itis.
Seriously, think about what I said.
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance, Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello, you’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, Financial Advisor. My apologies for being unavailable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEP”
“Dear God man, your message tone is about as boring and lifeless as your ties. What’s this about merging with Ishida International? I think if all goes to plan, soon, Locklear Construction will be mine! MINE! I will not hesitate to bankrupt any poor worthless soul who dares advertise competent service and provide me with less than satisfactory, sub-standard knock-offs, failing to reach the caliber that I uphold for my own company! Just you wait and see! Locklear Construction will suffer! -”
“… I think the damn thing just cut me off. Anyway, I’m here at the Bayside Club in the city. I’ll meet you here in forty-five to discuss this thing with Ishida International.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I dare not allude to what astounding illegal measures you have partaken to acquire this number, so unless you wish for me to strip you of your livelihood and watch with moderate amusement as you live clinging to the bare strands of survival on a God-forsaken spit of land, you had better save your breath for someone else. Because this is all your message will mean to me – nothing! BEEP.”
“JAMES IT IS THREE O’CLOCK IN THE BLOODY MORNING! Unlike you I have a LIFE. I NEED MY SLEEP! I don’t have time to listen to your future plans for world domination. So excuse me while I lose myself in the depths of an UNITERRUPTED slumber as I attempt to enjoy the only suspended state of blissful oblivion, that working for you have forthwith deprived me of. We will discuss Ishida International later this morning. Good day to you sir!”
--
List of things to do so I can achieve my ultimate goals and so my impertinent assistant will be appeased by my productivity which is conducive to a concise and structured manner
1. Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2. Reprimand Andrew for not meeting me at the bayside
3. Discuss with Michael and Andrew the prospects of merging with Ishida International
4. Lunch with Rachel, must bring up topic of breaking it off
5. Meeting with Head of the Department of Research – seems like good news
6. Drafting with Michael and Andrew the contracts and proposal letter
7. See if Ishida International has agreed to a time and place in which to meet
8. Remind myself to break it off with Rachel if mission impossible has failed
--
“Emily! Where’s my coffee? It had better be – oh and would you look at that. You even brought me a coaster. See? You’re learning.”
“Jay, she just gave you the eye-roll.”
“Good morning Andrew, why didn’t you meet me at the bayside? And why is your hair slicked back? It’s ridiculous, you look like James Bond.”
“Forgive me if I’m not the blond-haired blue-eyed English Muffin that you are. I actually appreciate my rugged Mediterranean physique. I’m tall dark and handsome and you - you simply look like a Vampire from an Anne Rice novel.”
“Why didn’t you meet me there this morning? You kept Rachel and I waiting.”
“You and Rachel? I thought you would have already given her the flick. You said that monogamy was not your style.”
“It isn’t, she’s a possessive, obsessive wench, that’s what she is. Why didn’t you meet me?”
“No need to be testy, little girl. You see, at night, I do something that you may be familiar with. It’s called sleep. You should try it, then perhaps you wouldn’t drink coffee strong enough to wake a dead horse and then you might be as so kind not to bark at your poor assistant every morning.”
“Don’t push it you Greek Freak.”
“You know you love me.”
“No. I love Michael, now shove off and help me differentiate the pros and cons of merging with Ishida International.”
“So, are you ready to meet Kiara?”
“Who the bloody hell is Kiara? You’re not pimping again, are you?”
“No, Kiara is the head of Ishida International of course.”
“…”
“Jay?”
“…”
“James? Are you alright? Are you blushing?”
THWACK!
“Argh! …What the hell? Jay! Oh look, and it was on my good cheek too, and now it’s going to bruise. I’m going to have to borrow a bit of Nancy’s make up to cover this up.”
“Of course I’m not blushing, you Greek Freak! Can’t you tell that my face is flushed with tremendous rage? How could you not inform me that the head of Ishida International was a woman! You know I cannot work with women!”
“Oh? Is that why Emily is the fourth assistant you’ve hired this month?”
“What the hell do you mean?”
“Oh come on, last week you fired that hottie, Sandra for – what was it? Oh yes, cleavage.”
“Exactly, she wasn’t displaying enough. She was wearing a turtle neck in spring. That’s an insult to testosterone.”
“What? That’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard…You fire people left, right and centre for the most pitiful reasons. It’s so ridiculous, I think your Human Resources manager is threatening to resign.”
“And she’s a woman! A man has got to have pride in his name and my name will not be hyphenated by a woman!”
“Oh for goodness sake, no one is going to get their name hyphenated.”
“But you know I don’t work well with women. I prefer to ruthlessly underhand males, look Emily already hates me and if you were female I’m sure you would be crying by now.”
“I imagine that you wouldn’t punch your female employees either. The only reason why Emily hates you after her first day is because you need to learn how to loosen up and get to bed a decent time.”
“I do get to bed at a decent time, it’s just that I don’t fall asleep unti – never mind.”
“Good, I don’t want to know what time you manage to get some shut eye after you and Rachel have finished.”
“Precisely my point, ‘business and pleasure don’t mix them together’ that’s my rhyming motto.”
“I thought your motto was ‘Beware, I sign your paychecks?’ …Regardless, if you can be mature about this and keep James Jr. down, then you’d might as well be one of the most successful, resourceful and wealthiest men in the world.”
“Hmm, that does sound enticing… Fine. Emily! Bring in Michael, we have a proposal to discuss.”
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