Chapter 1

List of things to do so I can achieve my ultimate goals and so my impertinent assistant will be appeased by my productivity which is conducive to a concise and structured manner

1. Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2. Sign the reports and release forms that are gradually stacking up and occupying valuable space on my large and ostentatious desk which could be used to house Starbuck’s coffee
3. Discuss with Legal representation as to why suing the most idiotically incompetent company on earth is not possible
4. Discuss with Financial Advisor as to why wishing to purchase said incompetent company is unprofitable.
5. Lunch with Rachel (she’s in town)
6. Check heads of both research and property departments on recent progress
7. Remind myself to break it off with Rachel – monogamy is not my style
8. Meet with the effeminate fruitcake to discuss my feelings (psychiatrist)
9. Dinner with Rachel – I earnestly hope that she doesn’t show

--

“Good morning Mr. Grant, how are you this morning?”

“Am I supposed to endeavor the fruitless quest for relaxation, on this hideously uncomfortable looking couch?”

“Yes, now how are you?”

“Remind me, why am I here?”

“You are here because the department of Occupational Health and Safety has decreed that you be here. You are the CEO of a major international corporation. Given your age you must be under a great amount stress and pressure. Perhaps you are also missing out on the frivolities most people your age partake on. For your own benefit, please refrain from answering my questions with questions, so, how are you?”

“I think my disposition would be rather obvious, indicated by the scowl I am giving you at the moment.”

“Ah”

“What are you writing? What is that you’re scribbling down? Despite any misconceptions you may have already conceived, I am not a nutter!”

“Are you always this attentive to your surroundings?”

“What exactly are you insinuating? That I’m paranoid?”

“What do you think I’m insinuating?”

“Don’t take that calm complacent tone with me! I know that underneath that tweed jacket and endearing smile, you think I’m insane, it’s unfortunate that I must correct your error Dr. Dwyke: I am a wealthy, successful twenty-eight year old man who is at the greatest juncture of drowning within the merits of his own success. I am like any conniving businessman Dr. Dwyke, of course I am attentive.”

“I take it that you’re rather proud of your achievements?”

“I’m at the top of my game, where my outstanding business prowess serves its best. Honestly, what else could a man possibly want?”

“Love, companionship, family perhaps…?”

“Oh God you’re not one of those effeminate metros are you?”

“So, settling down has never crossed your mind?”

“…”

“…Mr. Grant?”

“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Mr. Grant, would you care to elucidate to me exactly what to find so incredibly amusing?”

“Me? Settle down? Are you insane? I’m at the height of my success, the creator and owner of a major international corporation. I’m still young - do you know what monogamy does to you? It causes hundreds and thousands of men all over the world to be shackled down by the chains of domesticity and locks them into the bourgeois world of frills, lace, ‘The Notebook’ and ‘honey-I’m-homes’”

“Ah, I see.”

“Put that pen down!”

“Mr. Grant, please tell me about your childhood.”

“What?”

--

From the desk of Dr. L. Dwyke, Psychiatrist

Patient: James Grant

Notes: - Proud man, must have been introduced to luxury as a child
- arrogant
- evasive: in denial
- Paranoid
- Independent
- Proud
- In denial
- Fears intimacy – must be from parental example
- In denial
- Evades questions about childhood and is seemingly amused by my frustrations
- In denial
- Desperately needs another session
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The person with the desk outside my office

From: Your boss

About: My coffee on my desk in five minutes! It had better be hot! Five minutes!
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Emily, you’re an intern and my assistant, it’s you’re first week so I’ll go easy on you. It takes exactly two seconds for this email to transmit from my office to your computer screen. That leaves you with four minutes and fifty-eight seconds to bring me my black. I’ll add on the extra two seconds because I know it will demand more time for you to fetch Michael (my lawyer) for me. Bring him in - I want to sue someone.

James Grant
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
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“Emily, why does this coffee not have a coaster? Bring me back a coaster.”

“Morning Jay, what’s this about?”

“Yes – Where the bloody hell is my coas – OW! Thank you, but you didn’t have to throw it. I think it might bruise. Michael I need to sue someone.”

“Again? Jay, you can’t just sue people left, right and centre”

“Why the hell not?”

“Number one, you can’t sue Locklear Construction for making you angry and number two, er, uh…who’s this next guy you want to take down?”

“The Government Department of Occupational Health and Safety”

“Sigh…James, you can’t just – do that.”

“Why? I want to.”

“And why do you want to?”

“Because, by this stupid new law I have just spent the last two hours, in the office of an effeminate fruitcake of a psychiatrist taking a good ol’ trip down memory lane where I have just answered stupid little questions such as ‘how was your childhood?’ and ‘how do you feel about that?’ oh but most of all ‘How does that particular memory make you feel?’ – It was a complete waste of precious time that I could have utilized in expanding my ever-growing business empire!”

“That…that’s not an illegal foundation that’ll hold up in court”

“Don’t shake your head at me! It’s an explicit violation of my privacy! How dare he ask me those questions of such personal nature! He also ruined the order of my day! Look! … See here, he’s eighth and he demanded to be first! And – and you know what, we can sue Locklear Construction for false advertising! They promise us service and what do we get? Incompetence!”

“Jay, if everyone in the world was like you, we’d all be petulant children.”

“I resent that, you ponce.”

“Goodbye James”

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Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: James Grant, Grant Industries

From: Andrew Theophilus, Corporate City Finance

About: Locklear Construction
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don’t do this James! Just, don’t. Do not proceed to purchase Locklear Construction. You WILL lose hundreds of millions of dollars. Not many people are happy with them either, and if you buy the company, you’re also going to have to pay off their debt and be sued along with them. As your FINANCIAL ADVISOR I suggest that you merge with their parent corporation, Ishida International. They’re on the lookout for a company to merge with, you see and if you do this, Locklear Construction will be our subsidiary! Then you can crush them. Furthermore, if you merge with Ishida International, you will then be owner of or partners to the major corporations leading in research, media and property in the world. You WILL gain hundreds of millions of dollars.

Think about it.

Andrew
“Corporate City Finance, Financial advice at half the price!”
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Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The insufferable Freak

From: The richest man in the world

Re: I’ve had a really bad morning… and Locklear Construction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY NAME WILL NOT BE HYPHENATED!

James
PS. Change your motto, I give you hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
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Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: The Petulant Child

From: Your ADVISOR

Re: Locklear Construction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My God, Michael was right. You are a petulant child. You change your motto - you don’t sign my paycheck, well sort-of. Anyway you are not the richest man in the world so get over yourself. We all suffer from Monday-itis.

Seriously, think about what I said.
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance, Financial Advice worth the price!”
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“Hello, you’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, Financial Advisor. My apologies for being unavailable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEP”

“Dear God man, your message tone is about as boring and lifeless as your ties. What’s this about merging with Ishida International? I think if all goes to plan, soon, Locklear Construction will be mine! MINE! I will not hesitate to bankrupt any poor worthless soul who dares advertise competent service and provide me with less than satisfactory, sub-standard knock-offs, failing to reach the caliber that I uphold for my own company! Just you wait and see! Locklear Construction will suffer! -”

“… I think the damn thing just cut me off. Anyway, I’m here at the Bayside Club in the city. I’ll meet you here in forty-five to discuss this thing with Ishida International.”
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“I dare not allude to what astounding illegal measures you have partaken to acquire this number, so unless you wish for me to strip you of your livelihood and watch with moderate amusement as you live clinging to the bare strands of survival on a God-forsaken spit of land, you had better save your breath for someone else. Because this is all your message will mean to me – nothing! BEEP.”

“JAMES IT IS THREE O’CLOCK IN THE BLOODY MORNING! Unlike you I have a LIFE. I NEED MY SLEEP! I don’t have time to listen to your future plans for world domination. So excuse me while I lose myself in the depths of an UNITERRUPTED slumber as I attempt to enjoy the only suspended state of blissful oblivion, that working for you have forthwith deprived me of. We will discuss Ishida International later this morning. Good day to you sir!”

--
List of things to do so I can achieve my ultimate goals and so my impertinent assistant will be appeased by my productivity which is conducive to a concise and structured manner

1. Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2. Reprimand Andrew for not meeting me at the bayside
3. Discuss with Michael and Andrew the prospects of merging with Ishida International
4. Lunch with Rachel, must bring up topic of breaking it off
5. Meeting with Head of the Department of Research – seems like good news
6. Drafting with Michael and Andrew the contracts and proposal letter
7. See if Ishida International has agreed to a time and place in which to meet
8. Remind myself to break it off with Rachel if mission impossible has failed

--

“Emily! Where’s my coffee? It had better be – oh and would you look at that. You even brought me a coaster. See? You’re learning.”

“Jay, she just gave you the eye-roll.”

“Good morning Andrew, why didn’t you meet me at the bayside? And why is your hair slicked back? It’s ridiculous, you look like James Bond.”

“Forgive me if I’m not the blond-haired blue-eyed English Muffin that you are. I actually appreciate my rugged Mediterranean physique. I’m tall dark and handsome and you - you simply look like a Vampire from an Anne Rice novel.”

“Why didn’t you meet me there this morning? You kept Rachel and I waiting.”

“You and Rachel? I thought you would have already given her the flick. You said that monogamy was not your style.”

“It isn’t, she’s a possessive, obsessive wench, that’s what she is. Why didn’t you meet me?”

“No need to be testy, little girl. You see, at night, I do something that you may be familiar with. It’s called sleep. You should try it, then perhaps you wouldn’t drink coffee strong enough to wake a dead horse and then you might be as so kind not to bark at your poor assistant every morning.”

“Don’t push it you Greek Freak.”

“You know you love me.”

“No. I love Michael, now shove off and help me differentiate the pros and cons of merging with Ishida International.”

“So, are you ready to meet Kiara?”

“Who the bloody hell is Kiara? You’re not pimping again, are you?”

“No, Kiara is the head of Ishida International of course.”

“…”

“Jay?”

“…”

“James? Are you alright? Are you blushing?”

THWACK!

“Argh! …What the hell? Jay! Oh look, and it was on my good cheek too, and now it’s going to bruise. I’m going to have to borrow a bit of Nancy’s make up to cover this up.”

“Of course I’m not blushing, you Greek Freak! Can’t you tell that my face is flushed with tremendous rage? How could you not inform me that the head of Ishida International was a woman! You know I cannot work with women!”

“Oh? Is that why Emily is the fourth assistant you’ve hired this month?”

“What the hell do you mean?”

“Oh come on, last week you fired that hottie, Sandra for – what was it? Oh yes, cleavage.”

“Exactly, she wasn’t displaying enough. She was wearing a turtle neck in spring. That’s an insult to testosterone.”

“What? That’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard…You fire people left, right and centre for the most pitiful reasons. It’s so ridiculous, I think your Human Resources manager is threatening to resign.”

“And she’s a woman! A man has got to have pride in his name and my name will not be hyphenated by a woman!”

“Oh for goodness sake, no one is going to get their name hyphenated.”

“But you know I don’t work well with women. I prefer to ruthlessly underhand males, look Emily already hates me and if you were female I’m sure you would be crying by now.”

“I imagine that you wouldn’t punch your female employees either. The only reason why Emily hates you after her first day is because you need to learn how to loosen up and get to bed a decent time.”

“I do get to bed at a decent time, it’s just that I don’t fall asleep unti – never mind.”

“Good, I don’t want to know what time you manage to get some shut eye after you and Rachel have finished.”

“Precisely my point, ‘business and pleasure don’t mix them together’ that’s my rhyming motto.”

“I thought your motto was ‘Beware, I sign your paychecks?’ …Regardless, if you can be mature about this and keep James Jr. down, then you’d might as well be one of the most successful, resourceful and wealthiest men in the world.”

“Hmm, that does sound enticing… Fine. Emily! Bring in Michael, we have a proposal to discuss.”