List of things to do so I can achieve my ultimate goals and so my impertinent assistant will be appeased by my productivity which is conducive to a concise and structured manner
1.Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2.Meet that mental quack to inform him of my theory
3.Discuss with Michael the dirt on Kiara Ishida
4.Discuss with Michael whether or not Rachel is still a problem
5.Weekly update with heads of research and applied science departments
6.Board Meeting
7.Lunch with directors at Bon Appetite
----
“Morning, Dwyke”
“My, my, my, it is indeed a great pleasure and surprise to see you grace the confines of my office once more, Mr. Grant.”
“Smug bastard…”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing.”
“What brings you here, then?”
“Well, definitely not this ghastly couch, I can assure you.”
“Some of my other patients find it very comfortable.”
“Then they must be insane or blind, I can’t imagine easing my body into something so hideously retina-searing.”
“…”
“Hey! You’re writing something again! Stop that!”
“Forgive me for being so direct, but are you stalling me, Mr. Grant?”
“No.”
“Then how is the amelioration of your disposition? How has your ambitious business prowess and lack of emotional peregrination and divulgence, progressed for you?”
“Was I meant to understand any of that?”
“I wouldn’t imagine so.”
“Good. So I shall begin.”
“I’m ready when you are Mr. Grant, it’s not my money.”
“Are you stalling me, Dr. Dwyke? Money? Is this what this whole endeavor is about? Is the Department of Occupational Health and Safety leeching more money off the dignified business community?”
“No, of course not. To insinuate such a thing…”
“Before you – would you stop writing! Put that pen down! God! The whole world is out to get me!”
“You think that the whole world is out to get you?”
“In a manner of speaking - yes.”
“Then do tell me more, Mr. Grant…”
“I have a theory, Dr. Dwyke. I ask that you refrain from your ridiculous interruptions, procrastinations or pen scribbling until I have completed informing you of my theory.”
“Of course.”
“See? Look! You interrupted me just then!”
“I – sigh… just proceed.”
“The world wishes to do me in, Dr. Dwyke. God is playing with the fates. I think they got high at a frat party and are now committing Schedenfreude as a practical joke to a completely unsuspecting, undeserving, innocent member of the earth’s population.”
“You - what?”
“Don’t interrupt! I have evidence. My two closest affiliates have been conspiring against me. They are beginning to resist their subjugation. The head of the company I wish to acquire is a woman – who, by the way, was amused at the thought of my cold and brutal murder, and her sister is no better. My assistant wishes to render me comatose, or induce brain damage by hurling coasters at my head like she was a damn quarterback. My soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is sucking the life out of me like an engorged mosquito, who knew relationships were symbiotic? I do believe quite firmly, Dr Dwyke, that everyone I have ever associated with is conspiring against me without my knowledge to either expatriate me from my own company, or assassinate me.”
“….”
“Well?”
“…You think that everyone you have ever known in your whole entire life is going to collectively assassinate you?”
“Yes.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good afternoon, Dr Dwyke.”
“Ah, Miss Ishida, lovely to see you once again, I trust that you have no pressing engagements to interrupt today’s session?”
“No…unfortunately.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing at all, Doctor.”
“Right, now we must deal with intensively, the subject of your agoraphobia.”
“Doctor, must repeat this? I do not have agoraphobia!”
“…Ah, this much worse than I thought…”
“And I’m not in denial!”
“I regret to mention this Miss Ishida, but you must recall the last occasion in the bathroom…you were in there for quite some time…”
“I don’t recall anything of the sort.”
“…ah, amnesia, too…”
“Forgive me sir, but don’t you dare note down that I suffer from agoraphobia and amnesia! I have neither! I – I, er uh - I have an irritable bowel syndrome!”
“Then I suggest you hire a physician, Miss Ishida, I do have the contacts of highly qualified doc -”
“No! No! Ahem - I mean, no, thank you, doctor. I’ve got it covered…oh god this is so humiliating…”
“Abdominal complications aside, how have you been recently, Miss Ishida?”
“Fine.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“No.”
“How’s everything at Grant Industries and Ishida International?”
“Bloody stressful.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“No.”
“How is Mr. Grant?”
“Why should I care about him?”
“Why should you care, Miss Ishida?”
“Why are you being cryptic?”
“Am I?”
“Urgh, excuse me Dr. Dwyke, I am more than certain that you are a – ahem - stupendously effective psychiatrist but I am wasting my time here. There is nothing wrong with me and I do believe that this is detrimental to my health. Good day.”
“Wait! Miss Ishida! Is this because I asked of Mr. Grant?”
“Not bloody likely!”
“Miss Ishida!”
“Good bye Doctor.”
“Miss -”
“Listen, Doctor Dwyke. Mr. Grant is a lascivious, philandering, underhanded businessman who is currently the centre of a sexual harassment law suit I’m intending to build. If you want to know how that paranoid man-whore is, I’d be happy to refer him to you myself. He can take my spot. I’d gladly pay for it.”
“I’ll see you next week, same time, Miss Ishida!”
SLAM!
“Utter bastard. There’s got to be a way to sue him.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: My Juliet
From: Your Romeo
About: Our Dinner Reservations
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Alana,
How is everything on your end of things? I hope you’re well! James has been completely tyrannical. It’s terrible! How’s your sister?
On another note, I’ve made reservations at Giovanni’s for this evening. I’ll see you at eight. Have a great day my love.
Andrew,
“Corporate City Finance – Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ishida International, Company Email
To: My Antony
From: Your Cleopatra
Re: Our Dinner Reservations
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh Andrew, you’re so sweet!
I’d love to meet you tonight. I bought a new dress that I think you’d like to see ;)
I’m sorry to hear that James has been so insufferable. Believe me, Kiara is the same way. She’s gone completely off her rocker. I think this merger is stressing her out when it shouldn’t be. She perceives James as a major problem.
I hope for the best. You have a great day too! (I know it’ll be a great night ;))
Yours,
Alana
President, Ishida International
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The maudlin sap
From: Disgusted
About: Abuse of resources!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT THE HELL AM I PAYING YOU FOR?
This isn’t a damned escort service!
I am positively retching at that maudlin display of lovey-dovey conduct between you and Alana Ishida.
Stop abusing my proud company’s resources!
Oh and the Romeo/Juliet, Antony/Cleopatra stuff is really pathetic. Who’s next? Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett?
I am about as nauseous as a pregnant woman.
Cease this horrid display.
“BUSINESS AND PLEASURE, DON’T MIX THEM TOGETHER – and I am still the man who signs your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: Voyeur!
From: Man in love
Re: Breach of privacy
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jay, you are absolutely disgusting.
It’s not right to spy on another man’s email.
It’s your own fault, you were eavesdropping – that’s rude.
Although it’s funny you mention Darcy and Bennett. I think the whole Pride and Prejudice thing suits you and Kiara perfectly. Or Jane Eyre and Rochester? What about Catherine and Heathcliffe?
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance – Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Closet Homosexual
From: Concerned BOSS
Re: ABUSE OF COMPANY RESOURCES
I was not eavesdropping and I am most certainly not a voyeur. I am merely monitoring my employee’s utilization of company resources. Resources which you abuse.
Also, what the hell did you read as an adolescent? Your blatant familiarity of not only Shakespeare, but Romanticism and nineteenth century classics is a lucid indication of my new theory: that you are a closet homosexual.
There are some excellent gay bars in the city. Just holler for an address.
Threatening your sexual orientation,
The Boss Man
P.S I’m watching you like it’s 1984
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Ishida Int’l
Alana
May I come over to your apartment for dinner? I’m sick of take out.
K
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Ishida Int’l
Kiara
What, our communication has been reduced to memo’s now? Since when were you too busy to walk five meters? Or raise your voice for that matter?
As a matter of fact, I’ll be dining with Andrew tonight, sorry. You’re on your own. Why not call James? You know you want to.
Alana
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Ishida Int’l
I refuse to dignify your suggestion with a response.
P.S Do you know when father’s coming into town?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m too preoccupied enjoying my highly successful life! Return to your hovel, plebeian! BEEP”
“…Jay, once again, you astound all with your arrogance. Have you read through the information I sent you yet? Plus, how did you survive with Dwyke this morning? Lavinia wishes to invite you over for dinner tonight. She’s back from overseas, did you know? Anyway, I told her having you over is a bad idea…”
“…James Grant! Why aren’t you calling me? The last time we met was at the Bayside! Where are you? I’ve been waiting for your call! Are you ignoring me! I thought we were in this relationship together! Where are you? I expect you to make up for this!”
“…oooh Jay baby, last night was AMAZING, we simply MUST do it again. Look me up at the Foxy Inn, and ask for Miss Kitty…”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Chained to Domesticity
From: Blissful Bachelor
About: Irritable females
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael.
Once again, despite the fact that I pay you hundreds and thousands of dollars, granted you a complimentary apartment and Porsche, you have epically failed to accomplish a simple task! I am less than pleased.
Did I not instruct you to make Rachel piss off? And if you did (which I highly doubt) why does she continue to harangue me?? I refuse to be in a – gag – relationship with her!
Also, aside from the fact that I am marvelous company and a delightful dinner guest, why does your wife wish to invite me over for dinner?
I didn’t even know she cooked.
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: I’m lonely and I need a woman (or a man)
From: Happily Married
Re: I’m not solving your problems for you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
James,
All I gathered from your previous email is that you are a lonely, lonely bachelor who requires a real woman to nourish and care for him as opposed to the one night stands and random romps that you usually commit yourself to. Your inability to unhinge yourself from Rachel yourself proves that secretly in your heart, you yearn for commitment and stability. It is great evidence that you hearken after the real intimacy that members of happily married couples, such as I, have attained. You’re ready to settle down, mate.
If you wish to prove me wrong, then break up with Rachel yourself. You pay me for legal – not personal – advice.
I’ve changed my mind, I think dinner with Lavinia and I would be an excellent wake up call to lull you into the wonderful world of love and lust and wedded bliss. Her dinner idea is actually part of her prevention scheme, to repel you from calling, emailing and contacting me at all obscene hours of the day and night. She believes that if we have you over at a CIVILISED hour, you may just get sick of me.
I told her it wouldn’t work.
I hope you find the woman – or man (Andrew tells me that you frequent gay bars), of your dreams.
Mike
P.S I got Emily to leave a folder on your desk. Sign the documents inside or we default on five different loans.
“I am a happily married man who owns a Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m too preoccupied enjoying my highly successful life! Return to your hovel, plebeian! BEEP”
“James… its Michael. Honestly, laughing maniacally into my answering machine and then yelling a string of expletives, isn’t going to change my mind. Lavinia received quite a fright while she was in the shower due to your dulcet tones and I have just been on the cowering end of a violent phone call from my wife. Dinner is going ahead as planned. Cancel whatever stripper you’ve got drooling after you and be at my place at seven. You are coming whether you like it or not. If not, I’ll call Rachel and tell her that today you went to Tiffany’s during your lunch break and purchased a certain ring -”
“You drive a hard bargain.”
“Oh James! You’re there!”
“You bastard.”
“You love me.”
“I hate you.”
“So I’ll see you at seven, then. Lavinia’s making Lasagna.”
“Since when could Lavinia cook?
“Oh all right, she’s hiring a chef.”
“I still hate you.”
“I’m a lawyer mate, sticks and stones.”
“Come to my office. Now. I’m yet to open the file you sent me on Kiara Ishida. We have much to peruse.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Miss Ishida?”
“Yes Clara?”
“You have a phone call here from a Mr. Norman Yoodle, shall I patch him through?”
“Who?”
“Norman Yoodle”
“I – uh, ok patch him through.”
“Hello?”
“Hello?”
“Kiara, it’s me, Norman.”
“…”
“Norman Yoodle? From university? I was in your economics class…you helped me out a few times, we were great friends…”
“OH! NORMAN! Hello! How are you?”
“I’m good thanks, listen, I was just in town and I haven’t seen you in what – five years? I was thinking that we could catch up sometime, have some coffee, maybe grab a bite to eat – if that’s okay with you.”
“Oh, um - sure! I’d love to.”
“Oh really? Wow, okay, well when are you free?”
“How does tonight sound? My sister’s out on a date and I’ll die if I must result to take out one more time…”
“Oh wow! That’d be great! Do you know any places in town…?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MadameButterfly: Who was that?
QueenOfAquitaine: Kiara, messenger is not meant to be used in the office…
MadameButterfly: We can do whatever we want.
QueenOfAquitaine: Including hypocrisy?
MadameButterfly: Including contacting my sister about the dire state of her personal affairs
QueenOfAquitaine: My personal life is in perfect condition, thank you very much
MadameButterfly: So who called?
QueenOfAquitaine: Norman Yoodle
MadameButterfly: Who has parents that sadistic?
QueenOfAquitaine: What do you mean?
MadameButterfly: You don’t think that it’s a tad cruel to name your child Norman Yoodle?
QueenOfAquitaine: He’s an old friend from College, remember him? Tad height challenged, freckles, red hair
MadameButterfly: OH, I remember him! If I do correctly recall, he did have quite a bit of a crush on you.
QueenOfAquitaine: Oh puh-lease
MadameButterfly: You didn’t see the way he ogled you whenever you were bending over his study table to help him during your tutoring sessions. I saw little hearts on his notes and everything. His eyes used to light up whenever he looked at his timetable and saw that he had a study session or class with you. Oh and whenever he came over to our house! That’s a completely different story!
QueenOfAquitaine: ENOUGH! Let’s hope he got over that crush. Let’s hope he’s married.
MadameButterfly: What kind of self-respecting woman would tie herself down to the name ‘Norman Yoodle?’
QueenOfAquitaine: You’ve got a point.
MadameButterfly: James Grant on the other hand…
-QueenOfAquitaine has signed out-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Jay?”
“…”
“Jay?”
“…”
“James?”
THWAK!
“OW! I can’t believe you punched me! What the hell was that for?”
“MICHAEL! DIDN’T YOU DO A BLOODY BACKGROUND CHECK ON THE ISHIDAS BEFORE YOU AGREED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE MERGER? WHERE THE HELL DID YOU ACQUIRE A DEGREE? THE FACT THAT KIARA ISHIDA IS A WOMAN – I CAN HANDLE! BUT THIS! THIS! THIS IS DIABOLICAL! ARE YOU ALL TRYING TO KILL ME! DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE AN ANEURYSM!”
“OF COURSE I DID A BACXKGROUND CHECK! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!”
“LOOK, MICHAEL! LOOK HERE!”
“Yeah, so she graduated from high school, so what?”
“I ATTENDED THAT HIGH SCHOOL, YOU DOLT!”
“And?”
“AARGGH!”
“Hey! Hey! Don’t punch me again! Oh – wait – OH! Oh I see, I see now Mr. James Grant. You remember her, and I think it’s safe to assume that you weren’t exactly nice to Kiara Ishida in high school, were you?”
“She was an ugly loser who had an obsession with me!”
“What do you mean? A highly attractive woman like her? Hell, if I wasn’t happily married, I’d welcome the obsession!”
“She was a beached whale with frizzy hair, had a face so plagued with acne it was as volcanic as Hawaii and braces that were once jail cells for her half-chewed food!”
“No wonder why she’s such a bitch to you. I can see now why she found the thought of your death amusing. She has a personal vendetta against you and she’s utilizing the merger as an opportunity for retribution! You didn’t cheat on her did you?”
“AARGH!”
“Stop trying to assault me! I’m not the one who recommended we merge with them in the first place! It was Andrew!”
“Andrew? You’re right! EMILY! EMILY! EM- Oh, there you are.”
“You yelled for me?”
“Bring in Andrew.”
“No need my Gay English Muffin! Your man in love is here!”
“Ah, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew…”
“Yes Jay?”
THWAK!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good evening Michael.”
“James.”
“…”
“Have you calmed down yet?”
“Quite.”
“That’s too bad.”
“Er, why?”
“JAMES GRANT!”
“Aaah Lavinia, it’s been too long...”
“Mr. Grant! I will not tolerate you physically abusing my husband any further! What on earth happened at the office today? What the hell did my husband do to merit aggression?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have received a text message from: Kiara
I’ve been thinking about what you said about Norman.
I’m nervous. Can we double?
Sent: 19:12:28
01/05/08
You have received a text message from: Alana
Sure! LOL I’m sure Andrew won’t mind. The more the merrier!
Sent: 19:19:04
01/05/08
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Norman, I’m sure you remember Alana, my sister.”
“Greetings Alana. I must say Kiara, you look ravishing tonight.”
“…um, thank you. It’s the typical pantsuit. I didn’t have time to change.”
“Shall we proceed to Giovanni’s?”
“Actually, Norman we’re waiting for Andrew, Alana’s boyfriend.”
“Oh, oh ok.”
“Ah look, there he is. Mr. Theophilus it’s a pleasure to see you once again, this is Nor – Oh my God! What happened?”
“Andrew darling! What happened? You have a black-eye! It’s swollen! Oh my goodness honey, were you mugged?”
“Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to introduce you to the business ethics of James Grant.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m too preoccupied enjoying my highly successful life! Return to your hovel, plebeian! BEEP”
“Urgh! Mr. Grant! It’s Kiara Ishida. I am both horrified and disgusted! (No! Please Miss Ishida! That’s really not necessary!) I don’t know what kind of establishment you’re running here, but your obvious lack of respectable business ethic and moral conduct will be violently rectified once our companies merge! To man-handle your employees! Such impropriety and adolescent behavior will not be tolerated at my new company (oh sis, no!). Your uncouth behavior is unacceptable! (Miss Ishida, you really don’t need to do this) We need to talk! I’ll see you at the next meeting!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Alana, would you like to come in for some coffee?”
“Mmm, would you like me to come in for some coffee, or coffee?”
“I love it when you talk dirty.”
“Only for you babe”
“Haha come here…”
…
…
…
“Aaaaahh! Oh my god!”
“Ah! What the hell? JAY! What the hell are you doing on my door step?”
“Oh my god I’m so embarrassed… Um, Andrew, I think I’ll just go…I’ll call you tomorrow…”
“Wait, Alana, I’ll – sigh, ok, I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye.”
…
“Don’t glare at me like that you idiotic ponce. We have business to discuss.”
“What the hell are you doing on my door step?”
“Waiting for you, obviously. But it seems I must have interrupted something.”
“Of course you did! Alana and I were about to -”
“Yes, yes I know you and Miss Potty-mouth were about to shag like rabbits. You two are pathetic. I better not catch you getting it on your bloody desk.”
“What a bloody hypocrite! You know that rug in your office? As if Michael or I haven’t caught you taking that shag pile rug literally.”
“Are you going to invite me in or are we going to continue bickering on your threshold?”
“Since when did you ever wait for an invitation? What the hell do you want, anyway?”
“I think you know.”
“What? Jay, come on, I’m tired, and I need to go to bed. I’m sick of you. Just spit it out.”
“I received an interesting call today. An irate chipmunk left a message on my answering machine.”
“What… oh – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know I would apologize for Kiara but apologizing would have to actually mean that I’m sorry.”
THWAK!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MadameButterfly: How do you think it went?
QueenofAquitaine: Andrew was very sweet to accommodate the both of us. The reservations he acquired were very excellent. I am concerned about his black eye though.
MadameButterfly: I was referring to Noodle
QueenofAquitaine: Norman was fine, thank you very much
MadameButterfly: Oh yes he was very, fine
QueenofAquitaine: I’ll admit that he’s sure grown up. He has become quite good looking, but I’ve seen better if not equal
MadameButterfly: You’re referring to James Grant
QueenofAquitaine: No.
MadameButterfly: So, will you be seeing Norman again?
QueenofAquitaine: I doubt it. He was in town and wanted to catch up.
MadameButterly: Oh gosh, you’re so blind
QueenofAquitaine: What?
MadameButterly: CLEARLY, he hasn’t gotten over his crush for you.
QueenofAquitaine: Don’t be ridiculous.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Man who was berated by my wife
From: Last night was priceless
About: Ocean Towers
Attch: Ocean Towers.doc
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the unscrupulous work-a-holic,
How naïve it was of me to actually believe that you would have intended dinner last night without a thought of world domination on your mind? You spent the entire evening ordering me around in my own house while my wife’s back was turned. You are horrid. Oh sure you dazzled her, making her forget her anger with your sleek, blond charm – but you can’t fool me.
Attached is the information you demanded over your lasagna last night. Ocean Towers’ bidding history (in alphabetical and chronological order), market value (you’ll be losing money over this, I don’t even need Andrew to tell you that), list of staff and their personal history.
You have no idea how arduous it was to compile such information at the obscenely brief amount of time you requested it. But of course, I am an attorney by day and super hero by night. You should be grateful to have me. Guardians of the law are meant to be treated with respect.
“Respect” here’s a link: www.dictionary.com, look it up,
Your disgruntled guardian of the law
“I have a very loyal wife and a very loyal Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Pussy who needs a woman to defend him
From: Porcia will be a beach ball
Re: Ocean Towers
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the moronic alter-ego,
Your incompetence is unacceptable. I printed your lousy attempt at research and was not surprised to realize that you failed to list the staff members by age as well as alphabetically. Neither did you include their medical records or the initial builder’s report. I need to know who bid for the land initially, whether it was built on any old Indian cemeteries, who built Ocean Towers, and the list of all who were previously employed there.
Unacceptable!
Boss Man
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Paranoid
From: Your highly coveted and perfectly competent attorney
Re: Ocean Towers
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You paranoid freak.
That’s ridiculous.
You don’t even need all that information.
I refuse.
“I have a very loyal wife and a very loyal Porsche”
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