Grant Industries, Company Email
To: J Grant
From: E. Connors
About: Urgent
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Grant,
I know you told me not to disturb you but I think you should know that Kiara Ishida from International is on her way up and she didn’t sound very happy. Also, Mr. Theophilus doesn’t appear to be available today.
Have a great day,
Emily Connors
“Say NO to Animal cruelty!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Good puppy
From: Grateful Master
Re: Urgent
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My gratitude Emily
Coffee. Two minutes. Hot.
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOOM!
“Miss Ishida! If you wait a moment Mr. Grant will be-”
SLAM!
“Ah Kiara Ishida, how nice of you to grace me with your presence, however I’d appreciate it if you please refrain from slamming the door on my assistant. She had my coffee.”
“James Grant. We need to talk.”
“Evidently.”
“What the hell did you do to Andrew Theophilus?”
“Taught him a lesson”
“Oh please. This isn’t high school.”
“I’m aware of that Kiara. Stop treating me like I’m still seventeen.”
“You remember me now.”
“It wasn’t difficult. A little less Krispy Kreme, a little less oily and a little less metallic – but still Kiara Ishida, Environment Group Leader, Chess Club Champion and President of the Student Representative Council through and through.”
“You’re still pathetic bully through and through too. Oh a little taller, a little sleazier, and hell – a little richer. But you’re still the same.”
“I am not the same.”
“Oh yes you are.”
“Prove it.”
“Fine.”
“Fine?”
“Fine. Andrew! Come in!”
“What the hell has Andrew got anything to do with – Andrew! Andrew? What the hell? First your hair is all slicked back now you’re wearing purple sunglasses!”
“Those are not purple sunglasses you idiot! Those are black eyes, Mr. Grant. Please explain your business ethics to me before I withdraw from this merger.”
“Now, now, don’t look at me like that, Jay…”
“Don’t call me that, Andrew. I’ll deal with you later.”
“Care to explain, Mr. Grant, as to why one of your most loyal and patient employees is currently sporting, two black eyes.”
“Incompetence, among other things. As usual, Miss Ishida, Mr. Theophilus here failed to meet the standard that I uphold at my esteemed company.”
“Then why not do what the sane members of the business community do? Put him on probation! Fire him!”
“Oh I don’t think Andrew would like that, he loves his job – don’t you Andrew? See? He’s nodding. As you said Miss Ishida, I have very loyal employees.”
“Remarkable health plan. Wonderful Christmas ham and hamper delivered to your door every year…”
“Andrew! I thought you were on my side!”
“Sorry Kiara, but Jay does have a point…I do like my job, and the money…”
“But-but, he’s breaking the law. It’s pathetic the way he treats you.”
“Andrew.”
“Yes, James?”
“Emily has my coffee. It’s growing cold. Please fetch it for me.”
“Yes, James.”
“Urgh! Unbelievable! You’re paying the man to crunch your numbers, not retrieve your coffee!”
“An employee is an employee, Miss Ishida.”
“There such things called ‘job descriptions.’”
“Yes, and mine contain only three words: Slave. For. Life… Or until I fire their sorry ass for incompetency.”
…
“Nothing to say?”
“Yes, actually. I am speechless at the way you run things around here.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. Which is why I am moving into an office here as soon as possible.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your company is in desperate need for supervision, Mr. Grant. I will make sure that your so-called business ethics are up to standard.”
“You’re joking.”
“No, I’m not. Inform whoever you need to inform that I’ll be moving in tomorrow.”
“Don’t you have your own company to run?”
“Alana is more than capable.”
“Like, hell I’d let you move in here.”
“Just watch me, Grant.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ishida International, Company Email
To: My Dearest Sister
From: Your Dearest Sister
About: Infiltration
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My dearest Alana,
I require your services, and not services of the ordinary kind. I propose a favor, and all things considered, I think it’s a win-win situation. I need you utilize your feminine wiles to persuade that beloved boyfriend of yours to persuade whoever the hell he needs to, to get me into Grant’s office ASAP. Also, call that décor friend of yours. I need her in an hour. I need keys and access codes and I’ll meet you at your place at 7.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: All Grant Industries Employees: A-G, H-L, M-Z
From: THE MAN UPSTAIRS
About: RAGING
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY WALLS ARE PINK.
TO THE CULPRIT WHO PERMITTED THAT CONNIVING, LAW-BREAKING SHE-DEVIL AND HER GANG OF HARPIES INTO THE BUILDING: YOU WILL REGRET YOUR EXISTENCE. TONIGHT YOU DINE IN HELL!
James Grant
President and Chief Executive Officer, Grant Industries
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The Man Upstairs
From: Another Man Upstairs
Re: I LOVE THE DESIGN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your walls are not ‘pink’. They are ‘Andalusion Sunrise’. It’s a marvelous shade.
Stop complaining, the design is excellently ergonomic. Your office is energetic and full of life. It’s… fun. I should pass on the decorator’s number to Lavinia, she’ll simply adore it.
Michael
P.S I cannot believe you sent that to EVERY employee of Grant Industries. Now some poor bloke across the sea will think God established an account and is dealing judgments via email.
“I am a happily married man who owns a Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: “Andalusion Sunrise”
From: YOU WILL DINE IN HELL
Re: I HATE THE DESIGN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU
ARE
GAY
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: You are not God
From: Mature Person
Re: You are so immature.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
‘GAY’ is not a derogatory term.
Michael
“I am happily married to a Woman, and I own a Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: James Grant, Grant Industries
From: KIshida, Ishida International
Re: RAGING
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Grant,
Amusing. Very amusing. Venting your frustrations on every single employee of your/our company? Ignore me all you want, it still won’t alter the fact that WE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM, YOU KNOW.
I can only deduce your actions to mean one thing: you fear me. You fear my resourceful ability to infiltrate your office and transform it into a sanctuary of efficiency and modern art.
Kiara Ishida,
Chief Executive Officer, Ishida-Grant International
P.S You are not God, neither are you King Leonidas. I know an EXCELLENT psychiatrist for your megalomania.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Ishida-Grant International?”
“Has a lovely ring to it, don’t you think?”
“Dream on, bitch.”
“Language, Grant. A game of wits is always lost when one begins using profanity. It’s hardly an appropriate weapon.”
“Then keep dreaming, you vandalizing, trespassing, invading, encroaching, intruding, bossy-little…”
“Can you please be quiet? Unless you’ve noticed, I’m trying to supervise you and run a company here.”
“That’s no fault of mine.”
“Just be quiet and run the damn company.”
“Language, Ishida.”
“Oh, shut up.”
…
“…Wow. You actually listened to me -”
“IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A -”
“Oh God…”
“ – SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL -”
“I can’t believe this.”
“WORLD AFTER ALL!”
“You done, Grant?”
…
“Good.”
“…IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT’S A SMALL…”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MickeyMouse: What did you do to her?
MASTER: What did I do to whom?
MickeyMouse: Ishida. I just saw her flee your office with what looks like a burgeoning migraine.
MASTER: Oh that? Since she decided to get to know me a little better, I decided to demonstrate to her my lovely singing voice.
MickeyMouse: You sing?
MASTER: No
MickeyMouse: Then what were you singing?
MASTER: A Disney Classic.
MickeyMouse: A Disney Classic? Disney? Are you meaning to say you actually had a childhood?
MASTER: Shut up, Mickey. I sang ‘It’s a Small World.’
MickeyMouse: Excruciating, Jay. She didn’t deserve that one.
MASTER: SHE HYPHENATED MY NAME! SHE HYPHENATED MY NAME. DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE CALLED THIS COMPANY? ISHIDA-GRANT INTERNATIONAL! THAT SOUNDS LIKE UTTER BULLSHIT. AND UNLESS YOU CARED TO NOTICE, SHE INFILTRATED AND REARRANGED MY OFFICE! OUR DESKS OPPOSE EACH OTHER. I FEEL LIKE I’M IN DETENTION! MY WALLS ARE ‘ANDALUSION SUNRISE’. MY LEATHER AND HARDWOOD HAVE DISAPPEARED. ALL THE YEARS I SPENT METICULOUSLY CRAFTING MY LAIR TO BECOME THE DEN OF HADES ARE AT WASTE! I HAVE POT PLANTS AND INSIPID TRINKETS HANGING FROM THE CEILING. MY OFFICE HAS PILLOWS. PILLOWS, MICHAEL. PILLOWS.
MickeyMouse: Okay, I understand that it may be an invasion of privacy and your property. But, think about it. Your office is very welcoming. No longer do I feel as though I’m walking into a medieval torture chamber.
MASTER: I HAVE AN IDEA
MickeyMouse: Oh God, what is it now?
MASTER: MICHAEL. I WANT TO SUE HER.
MickeyMouse: On what grounds?
MASTER: BREAKING AND ENTERING! VANDALISM! DEFILING PRIVATE PROPERTY!
MickeyMouse: We’re merging with them! What’s hers is yours and what’s yours is hers.
MASTER: But I’m FURIOUS
MickeyMouse: Well, don’t take it out on me. Take it out on someone else.
MASTER: I’ve already taken it out on the security guard downstairs.
MickeyMouse: Please don’t tell me…
MASTER: I fired him.
MickeyMouse: Then UN-fire him!
MASTER: NO. Not until I find out who the hell gave her the access codes to our building.
MickeyMouse: No one has the security codes except for you, me or Andrew.
MASTER: Andrew? . . . THAT TRAITOR!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“He’s a child! An absolute child!”
“Who is, Miss Ishida?”
“James Grant! He’s a bully, a juvenile, immature, adolescent bully! It’s a wonder how he’s maintained any sort of authority, or how anyone can stand his presence! He’s an absolute child! CEO? Inconceivable!”
“How about you return to your seat? So you can calm down and vent your emotions rationally.”
“Dr. Dwyke, I will not sit back down. I will not calm down, dammit! I have a migraine the size of Jupiter and I doubt sitting down on that hideous couch will help.”
“But it will give you some lumbar support.”
“I don’t care about lumbar support! I care about ripping that man’s voice box out! I spent the entire morning listening to a never ending rendition of ‘It’s a Small World’! Are you familiar with the phrase ‘cruel and unusual torture’, doctor? ”
“The one from that Disneyland ride?”
“YES! THAT LUDICROUS SONG FROM THAT EXCRUCIATING RIDE! I HATE THAT RIDE. Even as a child I hated that ride!”
“Ah yes, your childhood. Care to elaborate further?”
“NO! The man is insufferable! He refuses to listen to reason! I feel like I’m supervising a teenager! He IS a teenager! Parochial, ruled by his penis, completely selfish and motivated by the desire to annoy. He is a child!”
“A child you say? What about your childhood?”
“You’re not listening to me! Oh why am I even here? You are of no use to me!”
“Well, I must say Miss Ishida, aside from our compulsory fortnightly visits I am surprised to see you have returned upon your own volition. What made you pay a visit?”
“Oh believe me, doctor, no offense, but this is truly a last resort. My first point of call is my sister, I’ve been venting at her for years. But right now she’s too busy with her new beau to even begin to understand my predicament. She’s too enthralled with her ‘new man’ to see beyond that little bubble of love they’ve raised around themselves. It’s disgusting.”
“… You don’t have anyone else you can ‘vent at’?”
“I don’t trust anyone else.”
“Aaahh…”
“STOP WRITING!”
“Miss Ishida, are you jealous of your sister’s relationship?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello, you’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, Financial Advisor. My apologies for being unavailable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEP”
“You’re a great idiot for giving Alana and Kiara those access codes. In any case, Jay’s office looks like the room of a fairy princess, it’s a work of brilliance, not even you or I could piss him off so deviously. However, as your best friend and confidant, I felt it prudent to warn you that Jay’s found out and he’s on the war path.”
“O CALM DISHONOURABLE VILE SUBMISSION! A PLAGUE ON YOUR HOUSE! A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES! THE BETRAYAL! HOW DARE YOU GIVE THAT INSOLENT HARPY THE SECURITY ACCESS CODES! I’LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS, ANDREW! I’LL HAVE YOUR HEAD! MY OFFICE IS HORRENDOUSLY PINK!!! LISTEN, WHEN I FIND YOU IN WHATEVER HOLE YOU’VE AMBLED YOUR WAY INTO, EXPECT A VIOLENT COMEUPPANCE! IS HER HAND WRAPPED SO TIGHTLY AROUND YOUR BALLS THAT YOU’D EVEN SUBMIT TO SUCH TREACHERY? YOU’D BETTER GROVEL FOR FORGIVENESS, OR I’LL RIP YOUR SCROTUM OUT! YOU ARE A -”
“YOUR VOICE MAIL IS AS INSOLENT AS YOUR ARE! THE DAMN THING CUT ME OFF! YOU’RE A DEAD MAN, ANDREW! A DEAD -”
______________________________________________________________________________________
“YOU’RE A DEAD MAN, ANDREW! A DEAD – What the hell?”
“Leave Andrew alone.”
“Ishida! How dare you! How dare you hang me up.”
“You sir, are fortune’s fool.”
“Excuse me?”
“Give me a break, Grant. ‘O Calm dishonourable vile submission?’ ‘A plague o’ both your houses?’ Judging by the way you abused the lines of Romeo and Juliet, I’m sure Shakespeare would be spinning so vehemently in his grave he could helicopter himself into space.”
“It was recommended I reduce my swearing as a form of anger management.”
“So you substitute the vilest and basest form of the English language, with lines from some of the world’s greatest literature?”
“I’m artfully expressing my indignance and rage.”
“You’re spitting on Shakespeare by butchering his words and using them as profanity.”
“Tell that to the religious man every time you say ‘Oh my God’. Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain, Ishida.”
“A religious man, Mr. Grant?”
“Hardly.”
“Expected as much. You seem to be changing my opinion of you, Grant.”
“Finally admitting your attraction for me?”
“Never. You’re still a repulsive bully.”
“So what am I now?”
“A repulsive bully who knows Shakespeare.”
“And you’re a prude, colour-blind trespasser.”
“At least we’re on the same page.”
“At least.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Grant Industries
Michael,
Is it safe? He monitors my emails. It’s too risky to use.
Andrew
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Grant Industries
Come out of hiding.
The yelling stopped quite a while ago. Ishida’s in there now. I must say she is a Godsend, she knows how to shut him up and whatever shred of decency he possesses is preventing him from punching her.
I predict a change in the winds.
Michael
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Grant Industries
To the insignificant and pathetic excuse for a man,
I intercept memos too.
Grovel for my forgiveness.
James “I am Big Brother” Grant
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Grant Industries
Fine. I’m sorry Jay. To make up for my apparent indiscretion, I recommend you ask Ishida to leave the office or admire the view from the window.
She wouldn’t be the only one admiring the view, if you get what I mean.
Andrew
P.S You would make a fantastic stalker
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Ishida?”
“What do you want?”
“Please close those hideous drapes, there’s a glare on my computer screen.”
“So? Deal with it.”
“It’s obscuring something very important, and has been disturbing me for the past half hour.”
“You’d better not be watching any porn.”
“I have a company to run. Who exactly do you think I am?”
“Do you really want me to answer that question?”
“Just close the damn curtains!”
“Why not do it yourself?”
“You’re closer, the drapes are on your side.”
“Sigh…Fine.”
…..
“. . . Mhmm …”
“Better?”
“Much.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Grant Industries
Andrew
You are forgiven.
Alleluia. The pencil skirt has returned.
James
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Ishida?”
“What now?”
“Please open the window.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Ishida?”
“What?”
“Please close the door.”
“It is closed.”
“Not properly.”
“You’re psychotic, you know that?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Ishida?”
….
“Ishida?”
….
“It’s a small worl -”
“What do you want?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Human Resources, Grant Industries
From: J Grant, Grant Industries
About: Re-Hire
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whomever I am paying to be an inattentive wanker,
I am shocked, that despite the meticulous hiring processes I have personally constructed for Grant Industries, I have discovered yet another sub-standard, moronic ignoramus who has been fortunate enough to have weaseled their way into my employ.
Needless to say, I was beyond perplexed to find the recently fired security guard standing beside my personal lift this morning. I was under the impression that my rage and desire to rid him from my sight was masterfully articulated yesterday. Alas, it appears I was misunderstood, due to what I can only deduce to be your utter inability to follow simple instructions, incompetence as a result of your born ineptitude and failure in all areas of life, or the fact that you are a complete arse.
Dispose of whatever junk-food product you’re currently engorging yourself with and rectify this situation immediately. I demand an explanation for the re-hire of the imbecile who permitted Kiara Ishida entry into my office. He is a security hazard, as is your severe lack of cognition.
Threatening your job security,
J Grant
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: J Grant, Grant Industries
From: Human Resources, Grant Industries
Re: Re-Hire
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Grant,
Our sincerest apologies for any inconvenience that you may have been caused in reference to the immediate re-hire of the Security Personnel Randall Johnson.
Following his swift redundancy, we received a message from Kiara Ishida that he must be reinstated immediately, without fail. We apologise for any miscommunication that may have occurred regarding the reinstatement of his position. We at Human Resources suggest that further issues regarding this matter should be discussed with Miss Ishida.
From an employee who would really love to keep his job,
Lionel Lambert
Human Resources, Grant Industries
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“What authority do you have, ordering MY employees around?”
“The higher moral authority”
“The higher moral authority”
“Grant, mocking me in that baby voice isn’t an argument.”
“Listen, you sanctimonious wench, the people in this building are MY EMPLOYEES. We’ve barely begun this merger, so don’t sit there and act like you’re the boss around here. Even after the merger, you still won’t be the boss around here. You’ve moved into MY CASTLE, WOMAN! This is my company, my building, my office and my damn employees!”
“Yes. I’ve realized that, so please get out of my face. These people are your employees, not your toys. You can’t simply discard them upon your every whim, or have you forgotten why I am here? Someone must supervise your business ethics. I refuse to merge with a corporation whose President and CEO treats his office like a school playground.”
“Merge with someone else then. What the hell are you still doing here?”
“That’s none of your damn business.”
“Take a look around you, love. This IS my business.”
“If you find my presence so repulsive, why don’t you withdraw?”
“I have no intention of doing so. I still have every desire to crush Locklear Construction beneath my wee pinky.”
“Urgh, you’re worse than a child.”
“And you’re worse than my mother.”
“Probably the only woman who’ll ever love you.”
“I doubt she does.”
“I’m not surprised.”
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, September 3, 2010
Chapter 4
List of things to do so I can achieve my ultimate goals and so my impertinent assistant will be appeased by my productivity which is conducive to a concise and structured manner
1.Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2.Meet that mental quack to inform him of my theory
3.Discuss with Michael the dirt on Kiara Ishida
4.Discuss with Michael whether or not Rachel is still a problem
5.Weekly update with heads of research and applied science departments
6.Board Meeting
7.Lunch with directors at Bon Appetite
----
“Morning, Dwyke”
“My, my, my, it is indeed a great pleasure and surprise to see you grace the confines of my office once more, Mr. Grant.”
“Smug bastard…”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing.”
“What brings you here, then?”
“Well, definitely not this ghastly couch, I can assure you.”
“Some of my other patients find it very comfortable.”
“Then they must be insane or blind, I can’t imagine easing my body into something so hideously retina-searing.”
“…”
“Hey! You’re writing something again! Stop that!”
“Forgive me for being so direct, but are you stalling me, Mr. Grant?”
“No.”
“Then how is the amelioration of your disposition? How has your ambitious business prowess and lack of emotional peregrination and divulgence, progressed for you?”
“Was I meant to understand any of that?”
“I wouldn’t imagine so.”
“Good. So I shall begin.”
“I’m ready when you are Mr. Grant, it’s not my money.”
“Are you stalling me, Dr. Dwyke? Money? Is this what this whole endeavor is about? Is the Department of Occupational Health and Safety leeching more money off the dignified business community?”
“No, of course not. To insinuate such a thing…”
“Before you – would you stop writing! Put that pen down! God! The whole world is out to get me!”
“You think that the whole world is out to get you?”
“In a manner of speaking - yes.”
“Then do tell me more, Mr. Grant…”
“I have a theory, Dr. Dwyke. I ask that you refrain from your ridiculous interruptions, procrastinations or pen scribbling until I have completed informing you of my theory.”
“Of course.”
“See? Look! You interrupted me just then!”
“I – sigh… just proceed.”
“The world wishes to do me in, Dr. Dwyke. God is playing with the fates. I think they got high at a frat party and are now committing Schedenfreude as a practical joke to a completely unsuspecting, undeserving, innocent member of the earth’s population.”
“You - what?”
“Don’t interrupt! I have evidence. My two closest affiliates have been conspiring against me. They are beginning to resist their subjugation. The head of the company I wish to acquire is a woman – who, by the way, was amused at the thought of my cold and brutal murder, and her sister is no better. My assistant wishes to render me comatose, or induce brain damage by hurling coasters at my head like she was a damn quarterback. My soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is sucking the life out of me like an engorged mosquito, who knew relationships were symbiotic? I do believe quite firmly, Dr Dwyke, that everyone I have ever associated with is conspiring against me without my knowledge to either expatriate me from my own company, or assassinate me.”
“….”
“Well?”
“…You think that everyone you have ever known in your whole entire life is going to collectively assassinate you?”
“Yes.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good afternoon, Dr Dwyke.”
“Ah, Miss Ishida, lovely to see you once again, I trust that you have no pressing engagements to interrupt today’s session?”
“No…unfortunately.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing at all, Doctor.”
“Right, now we must deal with intensively, the subject of your agoraphobia.”
“Doctor, must repeat this? I do not have agoraphobia!”
“…Ah, this much worse than I thought…”
“And I’m not in denial!”
“I regret to mention this Miss Ishida, but you must recall the last occasion in the bathroom…you were in there for quite some time…”
“I don’t recall anything of the sort.”
“…ah, amnesia, too…”
“Forgive me sir, but don’t you dare note down that I suffer from agoraphobia and amnesia! I have neither! I – I, er uh - I have an irritable bowel syndrome!”
“Then I suggest you hire a physician, Miss Ishida, I do have the contacts of highly qualified doc -”
“No! No! Ahem - I mean, no, thank you, doctor. I’ve got it covered…oh god this is so humiliating…”
“Abdominal complications aside, how have you been recently, Miss Ishida?”
“Fine.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“No.”
“How’s everything at Grant Industries and Ishida International?”
“Bloody stressful.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“No.”
“How is Mr. Grant?”
“Why should I care about him?”
“Why should you care, Miss Ishida?”
“Why are you being cryptic?”
“Am I?”
“Urgh, excuse me Dr. Dwyke, I am more than certain that you are a – ahem - stupendously effective psychiatrist but I am wasting my time here. There is nothing wrong with me and I do believe that this is detrimental to my health. Good day.”
“Wait! Miss Ishida! Is this because I asked of Mr. Grant?”
“Not bloody likely!”
“Miss Ishida!”
“Good bye Doctor.”
“Miss -”
“Listen, Doctor Dwyke. Mr. Grant is a lascivious, philandering, underhanded businessman who is currently the centre of a sexual harassment law suit I’m intending to build. If you want to know how that paranoid man-whore is, I’d be happy to refer him to you myself. He can take my spot. I’d gladly pay for it.”
“I’ll see you next week, same time, Miss Ishida!”
SLAM!
“Utter bastard. There’s got to be a way to sue him.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: My Juliet
From: Your Romeo
About: Our Dinner Reservations
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Alana,
How is everything on your end of things? I hope you’re well! James has been completely tyrannical. It’s terrible! How’s your sister?
On another note, I’ve made reservations at Giovanni’s for this evening. I’ll see you at eight. Have a great day my love.
Andrew,
“Corporate City Finance – Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ishida International, Company Email
To: My Antony
From: Your Cleopatra
Re: Our Dinner Reservations
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh Andrew, you’re so sweet!
I’d love to meet you tonight. I bought a new dress that I think you’d like to see ;)
I’m sorry to hear that James has been so insufferable. Believe me, Kiara is the same way. She’s gone completely off her rocker. I think this merger is stressing her out when it shouldn’t be. She perceives James as a major problem.
I hope for the best. You have a great day too! (I know it’ll be a great night ;))
Yours,
Alana
President, Ishida International
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The maudlin sap
From: Disgusted
About: Abuse of resources!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT THE HELL AM I PAYING YOU FOR?
This isn’t a damned escort service!
I am positively retching at that maudlin display of lovey-dovey conduct between you and Alana Ishida.
Stop abusing my proud company’s resources!
Oh and the Romeo/Juliet, Antony/Cleopatra stuff is really pathetic. Who’s next? Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett?
I am about as nauseous as a pregnant woman.
Cease this horrid display.
“BUSINESS AND PLEASURE, DON’T MIX THEM TOGETHER – and I am still the man who signs your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: Voyeur!
From: Man in love
Re: Breach of privacy
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jay, you are absolutely disgusting.
It’s not right to spy on another man’s email.
It’s your own fault, you were eavesdropping – that’s rude.
Although it’s funny you mention Darcy and Bennett. I think the whole Pride and Prejudice thing suits you and Kiara perfectly. Or Jane Eyre and Rochester? What about Catherine and Heathcliffe?
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance – Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Closet Homosexual
From: Concerned BOSS
Re: ABUSE OF COMPANY RESOURCES
I was not eavesdropping and I am most certainly not a voyeur. I am merely monitoring my employee’s utilization of company resources. Resources which you abuse.
Also, what the hell did you read as an adolescent? Your blatant familiarity of not only Shakespeare, but Romanticism and nineteenth century classics is a lucid indication of my new theory: that you are a closet homosexual.
There are some excellent gay bars in the city. Just holler for an address.
Threatening your sexual orientation,
The Boss Man
P.S I’m watching you like it’s 1984
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Ishida Int’l
Alana
May I come over to your apartment for dinner? I’m sick of take out.
K
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Ishida Int’l
Kiara
What, our communication has been reduced to memo’s now? Since when were you too busy to walk five meters? Or raise your voice for that matter?
As a matter of fact, I’ll be dining with Andrew tonight, sorry. You’re on your own. Why not call James? You know you want to.
Alana
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Ishida Int’l
I refuse to dignify your suggestion with a response.
P.S Do you know when father’s coming into town?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m too preoccupied enjoying my highly successful life! Return to your hovel, plebeian! BEEP”
“…Jay, once again, you astound all with your arrogance. Have you read through the information I sent you yet? Plus, how did you survive with Dwyke this morning? Lavinia wishes to invite you over for dinner tonight. She’s back from overseas, did you know? Anyway, I told her having you over is a bad idea…”
“…James Grant! Why aren’t you calling me? The last time we met was at the Bayside! Where are you? I’ve been waiting for your call! Are you ignoring me! I thought we were in this relationship together! Where are you? I expect you to make up for this!”
“…oooh Jay baby, last night was AMAZING, we simply MUST do it again. Look me up at the Foxy Inn, and ask for Miss Kitty…”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Chained to Domesticity
From: Blissful Bachelor
About: Irritable females
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael.
Once again, despite the fact that I pay you hundreds and thousands of dollars, granted you a complimentary apartment and Porsche, you have epically failed to accomplish a simple task! I am less than pleased.
Did I not instruct you to make Rachel piss off? And if you did (which I highly doubt) why does she continue to harangue me?? I refuse to be in a – gag – relationship with her!
Also, aside from the fact that I am marvelous company and a delightful dinner guest, why does your wife wish to invite me over for dinner?
I didn’t even know she cooked.
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: I’m lonely and I need a woman (or a man)
From: Happily Married
Re: I’m not solving your problems for you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
James,
All I gathered from your previous email is that you are a lonely, lonely bachelor who requires a real woman to nourish and care for him as opposed to the one night stands and random romps that you usually commit yourself to. Your inability to unhinge yourself from Rachel yourself proves that secretly in your heart, you yearn for commitment and stability. It is great evidence that you hearken after the real intimacy that members of happily married couples, such as I, have attained. You’re ready to settle down, mate.
If you wish to prove me wrong, then break up with Rachel yourself. You pay me for legal – not personal – advice.
I’ve changed my mind, I think dinner with Lavinia and I would be an excellent wake up call to lull you into the wonderful world of love and lust and wedded bliss. Her dinner idea is actually part of her prevention scheme, to repel you from calling, emailing and contacting me at all obscene hours of the day and night. She believes that if we have you over at a CIVILISED hour, you may just get sick of me.
I told her it wouldn’t work.
I hope you find the woman – or man (Andrew tells me that you frequent gay bars), of your dreams.
Mike
P.S I got Emily to leave a folder on your desk. Sign the documents inside or we default on five different loans.
“I am a happily married man who owns a Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m too preoccupied enjoying my highly successful life! Return to your hovel, plebeian! BEEP”
“James… its Michael. Honestly, laughing maniacally into my answering machine and then yelling a string of expletives, isn’t going to change my mind. Lavinia received quite a fright while she was in the shower due to your dulcet tones and I have just been on the cowering end of a violent phone call from my wife. Dinner is going ahead as planned. Cancel whatever stripper you’ve got drooling after you and be at my place at seven. You are coming whether you like it or not. If not, I’ll call Rachel and tell her that today you went to Tiffany’s during your lunch break and purchased a certain ring -”
“You drive a hard bargain.”
“Oh James! You’re there!”
“You bastard.”
“You love me.”
“I hate you.”
“So I’ll see you at seven, then. Lavinia’s making Lasagna.”
“Since when could Lavinia cook?
“Oh all right, she’s hiring a chef.”
“I still hate you.”
“I’m a lawyer mate, sticks and stones.”
“Come to my office. Now. I’m yet to open the file you sent me on Kiara Ishida. We have much to peruse.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Miss Ishida?”
“Yes Clara?”
“You have a phone call here from a Mr. Norman Yoodle, shall I patch him through?”
“Who?”
“Norman Yoodle”
“I – uh, ok patch him through.”
“Hello?”
“Hello?”
“Kiara, it’s me, Norman.”
“…”
“Norman Yoodle? From university? I was in your economics class…you helped me out a few times, we were great friends…”
“OH! NORMAN! Hello! How are you?”
“I’m good thanks, listen, I was just in town and I haven’t seen you in what – five years? I was thinking that we could catch up sometime, have some coffee, maybe grab a bite to eat – if that’s okay with you.”
“Oh, um - sure! I’d love to.”
“Oh really? Wow, okay, well when are you free?”
“How does tonight sound? My sister’s out on a date and I’ll die if I must result to take out one more time…”
“Oh wow! That’d be great! Do you know any places in town…?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MadameButterfly: Who was that?
QueenOfAquitaine: Kiara, messenger is not meant to be used in the office…
MadameButterfly: We can do whatever we want.
QueenOfAquitaine: Including hypocrisy?
MadameButterfly: Including contacting my sister about the dire state of her personal affairs
QueenOfAquitaine: My personal life is in perfect condition, thank you very much
MadameButterfly: So who called?
QueenOfAquitaine: Norman Yoodle
MadameButterfly: Who has parents that sadistic?
QueenOfAquitaine: What do you mean?
MadameButterfly: You don’t think that it’s a tad cruel to name your child Norman Yoodle?
QueenOfAquitaine: He’s an old friend from College, remember him? Tad height challenged, freckles, red hair
MadameButterfly: OH, I remember him! If I do correctly recall, he did have quite a bit of a crush on you.
QueenOfAquitaine: Oh puh-lease
MadameButterfly: You didn’t see the way he ogled you whenever you were bending over his study table to help him during your tutoring sessions. I saw little hearts on his notes and everything. His eyes used to light up whenever he looked at his timetable and saw that he had a study session or class with you. Oh and whenever he came over to our house! That’s a completely different story!
QueenOfAquitaine: ENOUGH! Let’s hope he got over that crush. Let’s hope he’s married.
MadameButterfly: What kind of self-respecting woman would tie herself down to the name ‘Norman Yoodle?’
QueenOfAquitaine: You’ve got a point.
MadameButterfly: James Grant on the other hand…
-QueenOfAquitaine has signed out-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Jay?”
“…”
“Jay?”
“…”
“James?”
THWAK!
“OW! I can’t believe you punched me! What the hell was that for?”
“MICHAEL! DIDN’T YOU DO A BLOODY BACKGROUND CHECK ON THE ISHIDAS BEFORE YOU AGREED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE MERGER? WHERE THE HELL DID YOU ACQUIRE A DEGREE? THE FACT THAT KIARA ISHIDA IS A WOMAN – I CAN HANDLE! BUT THIS! THIS! THIS IS DIABOLICAL! ARE YOU ALL TRYING TO KILL ME! DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE AN ANEURYSM!”
“OF COURSE I DID A BACXKGROUND CHECK! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!”
“LOOK, MICHAEL! LOOK HERE!”
“Yeah, so she graduated from high school, so what?”
“I ATTENDED THAT HIGH SCHOOL, YOU DOLT!”
“And?”
“AARGGH!”
“Hey! Hey! Don’t punch me again! Oh – wait – OH! Oh I see, I see now Mr. James Grant. You remember her, and I think it’s safe to assume that you weren’t exactly nice to Kiara Ishida in high school, were you?”
“She was an ugly loser who had an obsession with me!”
“What do you mean? A highly attractive woman like her? Hell, if I wasn’t happily married, I’d welcome the obsession!”
“She was a beached whale with frizzy hair, had a face so plagued with acne it was as volcanic as Hawaii and braces that were once jail cells for her half-chewed food!”
“No wonder why she’s such a bitch to you. I can see now why she found the thought of your death amusing. She has a personal vendetta against you and she’s utilizing the merger as an opportunity for retribution! You didn’t cheat on her did you?”
“AARGH!”
“Stop trying to assault me! I’m not the one who recommended we merge with them in the first place! It was Andrew!”
“Andrew? You’re right! EMILY! EMILY! EM- Oh, there you are.”
“You yelled for me?”
“Bring in Andrew.”
“No need my Gay English Muffin! Your man in love is here!”
“Ah, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew…”
“Yes Jay?”
THWAK!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good evening Michael.”
“James.”
“…”
“Have you calmed down yet?”
“Quite.”
“That’s too bad.”
“Er, why?”
“JAMES GRANT!”
“Aaah Lavinia, it’s been too long...”
“Mr. Grant! I will not tolerate you physically abusing my husband any further! What on earth happened at the office today? What the hell did my husband do to merit aggression?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have received a text message from: Kiara
I’ve been thinking about what you said about Norman.
I’m nervous. Can we double?
Sent: 19:12:28
01/05/08
You have received a text message from: Alana
Sure! LOL I’m sure Andrew won’t mind. The more the merrier!
Sent: 19:19:04
01/05/08
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“Norman, I’m sure you remember Alana, my sister.”
“Greetings Alana. I must say Kiara, you look ravishing tonight.”
“…um, thank you. It’s the typical pantsuit. I didn’t have time to change.”
“Shall we proceed to Giovanni’s?”
“Actually, Norman we’re waiting for Andrew, Alana’s boyfriend.”
“Oh, oh ok.”
“Ah look, there he is. Mr. Theophilus it’s a pleasure to see you once again, this is Nor – Oh my God! What happened?”
“Andrew darling! What happened? You have a black-eye! It’s swollen! Oh my goodness honey, were you mugged?”
“Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to introduce you to the business ethics of James Grant.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m too preoccupied enjoying my highly successful life! Return to your hovel, plebeian! BEEP”
“Urgh! Mr. Grant! It’s Kiara Ishida. I am both horrified and disgusted! (No! Please Miss Ishida! That’s really not necessary!) I don’t know what kind of establishment you’re running here, but your obvious lack of respectable business ethic and moral conduct will be violently rectified once our companies merge! To man-handle your employees! Such impropriety and adolescent behavior will not be tolerated at my new company (oh sis, no!). Your uncouth behavior is unacceptable! (Miss Ishida, you really don’t need to do this) We need to talk! I’ll see you at the next meeting!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Alana, would you like to come in for some coffee?”
“Mmm, would you like me to come in for some coffee, or coffee?”
“I love it when you talk dirty.”
“Only for you babe”
“Haha come here…”
…
…
…
“Aaaaahh! Oh my god!”
“Ah! What the hell? JAY! What the hell are you doing on my door step?”
“Oh my god I’m so embarrassed… Um, Andrew, I think I’ll just go…I’ll call you tomorrow…”
“Wait, Alana, I’ll – sigh, ok, I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye.”
…
“Don’t glare at me like that you idiotic ponce. We have business to discuss.”
“What the hell are you doing on my door step?”
“Waiting for you, obviously. But it seems I must have interrupted something.”
“Of course you did! Alana and I were about to -”
“Yes, yes I know you and Miss Potty-mouth were about to shag like rabbits. You two are pathetic. I better not catch you getting it on your bloody desk.”
“What a bloody hypocrite! You know that rug in your office? As if Michael or I haven’t caught you taking that shag pile rug literally.”
“Are you going to invite me in or are we going to continue bickering on your threshold?”
“Since when did you ever wait for an invitation? What the hell do you want, anyway?”
“I think you know.”
“What? Jay, come on, I’m tired, and I need to go to bed. I’m sick of you. Just spit it out.”
“I received an interesting call today. An irate chipmunk left a message on my answering machine.”
“What… oh – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know I would apologize for Kiara but apologizing would have to actually mean that I’m sorry.”
THWAK!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MadameButterfly: How do you think it went?
QueenofAquitaine: Andrew was very sweet to accommodate the both of us. The reservations he acquired were very excellent. I am concerned about his black eye though.
MadameButterfly: I was referring to Noodle
QueenofAquitaine: Norman was fine, thank you very much
MadameButterfly: Oh yes he was very, fine
QueenofAquitaine: I’ll admit that he’s sure grown up. He has become quite good looking, but I’ve seen better if not equal
MadameButterfly: You’re referring to James Grant
QueenofAquitaine: No.
MadameButterfly: So, will you be seeing Norman again?
QueenofAquitaine: I doubt it. He was in town and wanted to catch up.
MadameButterly: Oh gosh, you’re so blind
QueenofAquitaine: What?
MadameButterly: CLEARLY, he hasn’t gotten over his crush for you.
QueenofAquitaine: Don’t be ridiculous.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Man who was berated by my wife
From: Last night was priceless
About: Ocean Towers
Attch: Ocean Towers.doc
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the unscrupulous work-a-holic,
How naïve it was of me to actually believe that you would have intended dinner last night without a thought of world domination on your mind? You spent the entire evening ordering me around in my own house while my wife’s back was turned. You are horrid. Oh sure you dazzled her, making her forget her anger with your sleek, blond charm – but you can’t fool me.
Attached is the information you demanded over your lasagna last night. Ocean Towers’ bidding history (in alphabetical and chronological order), market value (you’ll be losing money over this, I don’t even need Andrew to tell you that), list of staff and their personal history.
You have no idea how arduous it was to compile such information at the obscenely brief amount of time you requested it. But of course, I am an attorney by day and super hero by night. You should be grateful to have me. Guardians of the law are meant to be treated with respect.
“Respect” here’s a link: www.dictionary.com, look it up,
Your disgruntled guardian of the law
“I have a very loyal wife and a very loyal Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Pussy who needs a woman to defend him
From: Porcia will be a beach ball
Re: Ocean Towers
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the moronic alter-ego,
Your incompetence is unacceptable. I printed your lousy attempt at research and was not surprised to realize that you failed to list the staff members by age as well as alphabetically. Neither did you include their medical records or the initial builder’s report. I need to know who bid for the land initially, whether it was built on any old Indian cemeteries, who built Ocean Towers, and the list of all who were previously employed there.
Unacceptable!
Boss Man
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Paranoid
From: Your highly coveted and perfectly competent attorney
Re: Ocean Towers
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You paranoid freak.
That’s ridiculous.
You don’t even need all that information.
I refuse.
“I have a very loyal wife and a very loyal Porsche”
1.Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2.Meet that mental quack to inform him of my theory
3.Discuss with Michael the dirt on Kiara Ishida
4.Discuss with Michael whether or not Rachel is still a problem
5.Weekly update with heads of research and applied science departments
6.Board Meeting
7.Lunch with directors at Bon Appetite
----
“Morning, Dwyke”
“My, my, my, it is indeed a great pleasure and surprise to see you grace the confines of my office once more, Mr. Grant.”
“Smug bastard…”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing.”
“What brings you here, then?”
“Well, definitely not this ghastly couch, I can assure you.”
“Some of my other patients find it very comfortable.”
“Then they must be insane or blind, I can’t imagine easing my body into something so hideously retina-searing.”
“…”
“Hey! You’re writing something again! Stop that!”
“Forgive me for being so direct, but are you stalling me, Mr. Grant?”
“No.”
“Then how is the amelioration of your disposition? How has your ambitious business prowess and lack of emotional peregrination and divulgence, progressed for you?”
“Was I meant to understand any of that?”
“I wouldn’t imagine so.”
“Good. So I shall begin.”
“I’m ready when you are Mr. Grant, it’s not my money.”
“Are you stalling me, Dr. Dwyke? Money? Is this what this whole endeavor is about? Is the Department of Occupational Health and Safety leeching more money off the dignified business community?”
“No, of course not. To insinuate such a thing…”
“Before you – would you stop writing! Put that pen down! God! The whole world is out to get me!”
“You think that the whole world is out to get you?”
“In a manner of speaking - yes.”
“Then do tell me more, Mr. Grant…”
“I have a theory, Dr. Dwyke. I ask that you refrain from your ridiculous interruptions, procrastinations or pen scribbling until I have completed informing you of my theory.”
“Of course.”
“See? Look! You interrupted me just then!”
“I – sigh… just proceed.”
“The world wishes to do me in, Dr. Dwyke. God is playing with the fates. I think they got high at a frat party and are now committing Schedenfreude as a practical joke to a completely unsuspecting, undeserving, innocent member of the earth’s population.”
“You - what?”
“Don’t interrupt! I have evidence. My two closest affiliates have been conspiring against me. They are beginning to resist their subjugation. The head of the company I wish to acquire is a woman – who, by the way, was amused at the thought of my cold and brutal murder, and her sister is no better. My assistant wishes to render me comatose, or induce brain damage by hurling coasters at my head like she was a damn quarterback. My soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is sucking the life out of me like an engorged mosquito, who knew relationships were symbiotic? I do believe quite firmly, Dr Dwyke, that everyone I have ever associated with is conspiring against me without my knowledge to either expatriate me from my own company, or assassinate me.”
“….”
“Well?”
“…You think that everyone you have ever known in your whole entire life is going to collectively assassinate you?”
“Yes.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good afternoon, Dr Dwyke.”
“Ah, Miss Ishida, lovely to see you once again, I trust that you have no pressing engagements to interrupt today’s session?”
“No…unfortunately.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing at all, Doctor.”
“Right, now we must deal with intensively, the subject of your agoraphobia.”
“Doctor, must repeat this? I do not have agoraphobia!”
“…Ah, this much worse than I thought…”
“And I’m not in denial!”
“I regret to mention this Miss Ishida, but you must recall the last occasion in the bathroom…you were in there for quite some time…”
“I don’t recall anything of the sort.”
“…ah, amnesia, too…”
“Forgive me sir, but don’t you dare note down that I suffer from agoraphobia and amnesia! I have neither! I – I, er uh - I have an irritable bowel syndrome!”
“Then I suggest you hire a physician, Miss Ishida, I do have the contacts of highly qualified doc -”
“No! No! Ahem - I mean, no, thank you, doctor. I’ve got it covered…oh god this is so humiliating…”
“Abdominal complications aside, how have you been recently, Miss Ishida?”
“Fine.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“No.”
“How’s everything at Grant Industries and Ishida International?”
“Bloody stressful.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“No.”
“How is Mr. Grant?”
“Why should I care about him?”
“Why should you care, Miss Ishida?”
“Why are you being cryptic?”
“Am I?”
“Urgh, excuse me Dr. Dwyke, I am more than certain that you are a – ahem - stupendously effective psychiatrist but I am wasting my time here. There is nothing wrong with me and I do believe that this is detrimental to my health. Good day.”
“Wait! Miss Ishida! Is this because I asked of Mr. Grant?”
“Not bloody likely!”
“Miss Ishida!”
“Good bye Doctor.”
“Miss -”
“Listen, Doctor Dwyke. Mr. Grant is a lascivious, philandering, underhanded businessman who is currently the centre of a sexual harassment law suit I’m intending to build. If you want to know how that paranoid man-whore is, I’d be happy to refer him to you myself. He can take my spot. I’d gladly pay for it.”
“I’ll see you next week, same time, Miss Ishida!”
SLAM!
“Utter bastard. There’s got to be a way to sue him.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: My Juliet
From: Your Romeo
About: Our Dinner Reservations
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Alana,
How is everything on your end of things? I hope you’re well! James has been completely tyrannical. It’s terrible! How’s your sister?
On another note, I’ve made reservations at Giovanni’s for this evening. I’ll see you at eight. Have a great day my love.
Andrew,
“Corporate City Finance – Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ishida International, Company Email
To: My Antony
From: Your Cleopatra
Re: Our Dinner Reservations
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh Andrew, you’re so sweet!
I’d love to meet you tonight. I bought a new dress that I think you’d like to see ;)
I’m sorry to hear that James has been so insufferable. Believe me, Kiara is the same way. She’s gone completely off her rocker. I think this merger is stressing her out when it shouldn’t be. She perceives James as a major problem.
I hope for the best. You have a great day too! (I know it’ll be a great night ;))
Yours,
Alana
President, Ishida International
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The maudlin sap
From: Disgusted
About: Abuse of resources!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT THE HELL AM I PAYING YOU FOR?
This isn’t a damned escort service!
I am positively retching at that maudlin display of lovey-dovey conduct between you and Alana Ishida.
Stop abusing my proud company’s resources!
Oh and the Romeo/Juliet, Antony/Cleopatra stuff is really pathetic. Who’s next? Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett?
I am about as nauseous as a pregnant woman.
Cease this horrid display.
“BUSINESS AND PLEASURE, DON’T MIX THEM TOGETHER – and I am still the man who signs your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: Voyeur!
From: Man in love
Re: Breach of privacy
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jay, you are absolutely disgusting.
It’s not right to spy on another man’s email.
It’s your own fault, you were eavesdropping – that’s rude.
Although it’s funny you mention Darcy and Bennett. I think the whole Pride and Prejudice thing suits you and Kiara perfectly. Or Jane Eyre and Rochester? What about Catherine and Heathcliffe?
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance – Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Closet Homosexual
From: Concerned BOSS
Re: ABUSE OF COMPANY RESOURCES
I was not eavesdropping and I am most certainly not a voyeur. I am merely monitoring my employee’s utilization of company resources. Resources which you abuse.
Also, what the hell did you read as an adolescent? Your blatant familiarity of not only Shakespeare, but Romanticism and nineteenth century classics is a lucid indication of my new theory: that you are a closet homosexual.
There are some excellent gay bars in the city. Just holler for an address.
Threatening your sexual orientation,
The Boss Man
P.S I’m watching you like it’s 1984
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Ishida Int’l
Alana
May I come over to your apartment for dinner? I’m sick of take out.
K
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Ishida Int’l
Kiara
What, our communication has been reduced to memo’s now? Since when were you too busy to walk five meters? Or raise your voice for that matter?
As a matter of fact, I’ll be dining with Andrew tonight, sorry. You’re on your own. Why not call James? You know you want to.
Alana
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M.E.M.O Ishida Int’l
I refuse to dignify your suggestion with a response.
P.S Do you know when father’s coming into town?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m too preoccupied enjoying my highly successful life! Return to your hovel, plebeian! BEEP”
“…Jay, once again, you astound all with your arrogance. Have you read through the information I sent you yet? Plus, how did you survive with Dwyke this morning? Lavinia wishes to invite you over for dinner tonight. She’s back from overseas, did you know? Anyway, I told her having you over is a bad idea…”
“…James Grant! Why aren’t you calling me? The last time we met was at the Bayside! Where are you? I’ve been waiting for your call! Are you ignoring me! I thought we were in this relationship together! Where are you? I expect you to make up for this!”
“…oooh Jay baby, last night was AMAZING, we simply MUST do it again. Look me up at the Foxy Inn, and ask for Miss Kitty…”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Chained to Domesticity
From: Blissful Bachelor
About: Irritable females
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael.
Once again, despite the fact that I pay you hundreds and thousands of dollars, granted you a complimentary apartment and Porsche, you have epically failed to accomplish a simple task! I am less than pleased.
Did I not instruct you to make Rachel piss off? And if you did (which I highly doubt) why does she continue to harangue me?? I refuse to be in a – gag – relationship with her!
Also, aside from the fact that I am marvelous company and a delightful dinner guest, why does your wife wish to invite me over for dinner?
I didn’t even know she cooked.
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: I’m lonely and I need a woman (or a man)
From: Happily Married
Re: I’m not solving your problems for you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
James,
All I gathered from your previous email is that you are a lonely, lonely bachelor who requires a real woman to nourish and care for him as opposed to the one night stands and random romps that you usually commit yourself to. Your inability to unhinge yourself from Rachel yourself proves that secretly in your heart, you yearn for commitment and stability. It is great evidence that you hearken after the real intimacy that members of happily married couples, such as I, have attained. You’re ready to settle down, mate.
If you wish to prove me wrong, then break up with Rachel yourself. You pay me for legal – not personal – advice.
I’ve changed my mind, I think dinner with Lavinia and I would be an excellent wake up call to lull you into the wonderful world of love and lust and wedded bliss. Her dinner idea is actually part of her prevention scheme, to repel you from calling, emailing and contacting me at all obscene hours of the day and night. She believes that if we have you over at a CIVILISED hour, you may just get sick of me.
I told her it wouldn’t work.
I hope you find the woman – or man (Andrew tells me that you frequent gay bars), of your dreams.
Mike
P.S I got Emily to leave a folder on your desk. Sign the documents inside or we default on five different loans.
“I am a happily married man who owns a Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m too preoccupied enjoying my highly successful life! Return to your hovel, plebeian! BEEP”
“James… its Michael. Honestly, laughing maniacally into my answering machine and then yelling a string of expletives, isn’t going to change my mind. Lavinia received quite a fright while she was in the shower due to your dulcet tones and I have just been on the cowering end of a violent phone call from my wife. Dinner is going ahead as planned. Cancel whatever stripper you’ve got drooling after you and be at my place at seven. You are coming whether you like it or not. If not, I’ll call Rachel and tell her that today you went to Tiffany’s during your lunch break and purchased a certain ring -”
“You drive a hard bargain.”
“Oh James! You’re there!”
“You bastard.”
“You love me.”
“I hate you.”
“So I’ll see you at seven, then. Lavinia’s making Lasagna.”
“Since when could Lavinia cook?
“Oh all right, she’s hiring a chef.”
“I still hate you.”
“I’m a lawyer mate, sticks and stones.”
“Come to my office. Now. I’m yet to open the file you sent me on Kiara Ishida. We have much to peruse.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Miss Ishida?”
“Yes Clara?”
“You have a phone call here from a Mr. Norman Yoodle, shall I patch him through?”
“Who?”
“Norman Yoodle”
“I – uh, ok patch him through.”
“Hello?”
“Hello?”
“Kiara, it’s me, Norman.”
“…”
“Norman Yoodle? From university? I was in your economics class…you helped me out a few times, we were great friends…”
“OH! NORMAN! Hello! How are you?”
“I’m good thanks, listen, I was just in town and I haven’t seen you in what – five years? I was thinking that we could catch up sometime, have some coffee, maybe grab a bite to eat – if that’s okay with you.”
“Oh, um - sure! I’d love to.”
“Oh really? Wow, okay, well when are you free?”
“How does tonight sound? My sister’s out on a date and I’ll die if I must result to take out one more time…”
“Oh wow! That’d be great! Do you know any places in town…?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MadameButterfly: Who was that?
QueenOfAquitaine: Kiara, messenger is not meant to be used in the office…
MadameButterfly: We can do whatever we want.
QueenOfAquitaine: Including hypocrisy?
MadameButterfly: Including contacting my sister about the dire state of her personal affairs
QueenOfAquitaine: My personal life is in perfect condition, thank you very much
MadameButterfly: So who called?
QueenOfAquitaine: Norman Yoodle
MadameButterfly: Who has parents that sadistic?
QueenOfAquitaine: What do you mean?
MadameButterfly: You don’t think that it’s a tad cruel to name your child Norman Yoodle?
QueenOfAquitaine: He’s an old friend from College, remember him? Tad height challenged, freckles, red hair
MadameButterfly: OH, I remember him! If I do correctly recall, he did have quite a bit of a crush on you.
QueenOfAquitaine: Oh puh-lease
MadameButterfly: You didn’t see the way he ogled you whenever you were bending over his study table to help him during your tutoring sessions. I saw little hearts on his notes and everything. His eyes used to light up whenever he looked at his timetable and saw that he had a study session or class with you. Oh and whenever he came over to our house! That’s a completely different story!
QueenOfAquitaine: ENOUGH! Let’s hope he got over that crush. Let’s hope he’s married.
MadameButterfly: What kind of self-respecting woman would tie herself down to the name ‘Norman Yoodle?’
QueenOfAquitaine: You’ve got a point.
MadameButterfly: James Grant on the other hand…
-QueenOfAquitaine has signed out-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Jay?”
“…”
“Jay?”
“…”
“James?”
THWAK!
“OW! I can’t believe you punched me! What the hell was that for?”
“MICHAEL! DIDN’T YOU DO A BLOODY BACKGROUND CHECK ON THE ISHIDAS BEFORE YOU AGREED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE MERGER? WHERE THE HELL DID YOU ACQUIRE A DEGREE? THE FACT THAT KIARA ISHIDA IS A WOMAN – I CAN HANDLE! BUT THIS! THIS! THIS IS DIABOLICAL! ARE YOU ALL TRYING TO KILL ME! DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE AN ANEURYSM!”
“OF COURSE I DID A BACXKGROUND CHECK! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!”
“LOOK, MICHAEL! LOOK HERE!”
“Yeah, so she graduated from high school, so what?”
“I ATTENDED THAT HIGH SCHOOL, YOU DOLT!”
“And?”
“AARGGH!”
“Hey! Hey! Don’t punch me again! Oh – wait – OH! Oh I see, I see now Mr. James Grant. You remember her, and I think it’s safe to assume that you weren’t exactly nice to Kiara Ishida in high school, were you?”
“She was an ugly loser who had an obsession with me!”
“What do you mean? A highly attractive woman like her? Hell, if I wasn’t happily married, I’d welcome the obsession!”
“She was a beached whale with frizzy hair, had a face so plagued with acne it was as volcanic as Hawaii and braces that were once jail cells for her half-chewed food!”
“No wonder why she’s such a bitch to you. I can see now why she found the thought of your death amusing. She has a personal vendetta against you and she’s utilizing the merger as an opportunity for retribution! You didn’t cheat on her did you?”
“AARGH!”
“Stop trying to assault me! I’m not the one who recommended we merge with them in the first place! It was Andrew!”
“Andrew? You’re right! EMILY! EMILY! EM- Oh, there you are.”
“You yelled for me?”
“Bring in Andrew.”
“No need my Gay English Muffin! Your man in love is here!”
“Ah, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew…”
“Yes Jay?”
THWAK!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good evening Michael.”
“James.”
“…”
“Have you calmed down yet?”
“Quite.”
“That’s too bad.”
“Er, why?”
“JAMES GRANT!”
“Aaah Lavinia, it’s been too long...”
“Mr. Grant! I will not tolerate you physically abusing my husband any further! What on earth happened at the office today? What the hell did my husband do to merit aggression?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have received a text message from: Kiara
I’ve been thinking about what you said about Norman.
I’m nervous. Can we double?
Sent: 19:12:28
01/05/08
You have received a text message from: Alana
Sure! LOL I’m sure Andrew won’t mind. The more the merrier!
Sent: 19:19:04
01/05/08
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Norman, I’m sure you remember Alana, my sister.”
“Greetings Alana. I must say Kiara, you look ravishing tonight.”
“…um, thank you. It’s the typical pantsuit. I didn’t have time to change.”
“Shall we proceed to Giovanni’s?”
“Actually, Norman we’re waiting for Andrew, Alana’s boyfriend.”
“Oh, oh ok.”
“Ah look, there he is. Mr. Theophilus it’s a pleasure to see you once again, this is Nor – Oh my God! What happened?”
“Andrew darling! What happened? You have a black-eye! It’s swollen! Oh my goodness honey, were you mugged?”
“Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to introduce you to the business ethics of James Grant.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! I’m too preoccupied enjoying my highly successful life! Return to your hovel, plebeian! BEEP”
“Urgh! Mr. Grant! It’s Kiara Ishida. I am both horrified and disgusted! (No! Please Miss Ishida! That’s really not necessary!) I don’t know what kind of establishment you’re running here, but your obvious lack of respectable business ethic and moral conduct will be violently rectified once our companies merge! To man-handle your employees! Such impropriety and adolescent behavior will not be tolerated at my new company (oh sis, no!). Your uncouth behavior is unacceptable! (Miss Ishida, you really don’t need to do this) We need to talk! I’ll see you at the next meeting!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Alana, would you like to come in for some coffee?”
“Mmm, would you like me to come in for some coffee, or coffee?”
“I love it when you talk dirty.”
“Only for you babe”
“Haha come here…”
…
…
…
“Aaaaahh! Oh my god!”
“Ah! What the hell? JAY! What the hell are you doing on my door step?”
“Oh my god I’m so embarrassed… Um, Andrew, I think I’ll just go…I’ll call you tomorrow…”
“Wait, Alana, I’ll – sigh, ok, I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye.”
…
“Don’t glare at me like that you idiotic ponce. We have business to discuss.”
“What the hell are you doing on my door step?”
“Waiting for you, obviously. But it seems I must have interrupted something.”
“Of course you did! Alana and I were about to -”
“Yes, yes I know you and Miss Potty-mouth were about to shag like rabbits. You two are pathetic. I better not catch you getting it on your bloody desk.”
“What a bloody hypocrite! You know that rug in your office? As if Michael or I haven’t caught you taking that shag pile rug literally.”
“Are you going to invite me in or are we going to continue bickering on your threshold?”
“Since when did you ever wait for an invitation? What the hell do you want, anyway?”
“I think you know.”
“What? Jay, come on, I’m tired, and I need to go to bed. I’m sick of you. Just spit it out.”
“I received an interesting call today. An irate chipmunk left a message on my answering machine.”
“What… oh – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know I would apologize for Kiara but apologizing would have to actually mean that I’m sorry.”
THWAK!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MadameButterfly: How do you think it went?
QueenofAquitaine: Andrew was very sweet to accommodate the both of us. The reservations he acquired were very excellent. I am concerned about his black eye though.
MadameButterfly: I was referring to Noodle
QueenofAquitaine: Norman was fine, thank you very much
MadameButterfly: Oh yes he was very, fine
QueenofAquitaine: I’ll admit that he’s sure grown up. He has become quite good looking, but I’ve seen better if not equal
MadameButterfly: You’re referring to James Grant
QueenofAquitaine: No.
MadameButterfly: So, will you be seeing Norman again?
QueenofAquitaine: I doubt it. He was in town and wanted to catch up.
MadameButterly: Oh gosh, you’re so blind
QueenofAquitaine: What?
MadameButterly: CLEARLY, he hasn’t gotten over his crush for you.
QueenofAquitaine: Don’t be ridiculous.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Man who was berated by my wife
From: Last night was priceless
About: Ocean Towers
Attch: Ocean Towers.doc
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the unscrupulous work-a-holic,
How naïve it was of me to actually believe that you would have intended dinner last night without a thought of world domination on your mind? You spent the entire evening ordering me around in my own house while my wife’s back was turned. You are horrid. Oh sure you dazzled her, making her forget her anger with your sleek, blond charm – but you can’t fool me.
Attached is the information you demanded over your lasagna last night. Ocean Towers’ bidding history (in alphabetical and chronological order), market value (you’ll be losing money over this, I don’t even need Andrew to tell you that), list of staff and their personal history.
You have no idea how arduous it was to compile such information at the obscenely brief amount of time you requested it. But of course, I am an attorney by day and super hero by night. You should be grateful to have me. Guardians of the law are meant to be treated with respect.
“Respect” here’s a link: www.dictionary.com, look it up,
Your disgruntled guardian of the law
“I have a very loyal wife and a very loyal Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Pussy who needs a woman to defend him
From: Porcia will be a beach ball
Re: Ocean Towers
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the moronic alter-ego,
Your incompetence is unacceptable. I printed your lousy attempt at research and was not surprised to realize that you failed to list the staff members by age as well as alphabetically. Neither did you include their medical records or the initial builder’s report. I need to know who bid for the land initially, whether it was built on any old Indian cemeteries, who built Ocean Towers, and the list of all who were previously employed there.
Unacceptable!
Boss Man
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Paranoid
From: Your highly coveted and perfectly competent attorney
Re: Ocean Towers
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You paranoid freak.
That’s ridiculous.
You don’t even need all that information.
I refuse.
“I have a very loyal wife and a very loyal Porsche”
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Chapter 3
Ishida International, Company Email
To: Michael McArthur, Grant Industries
From: Kiara Ishida, Chief Executive Office, Ishida International
About: Friendly Conversation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. McArthur,
My sincerest apologies for being unable to attend the meeting Friday night. However, I am willing to redeem myself by stopping by this afternoon for a discussion about the conditions my sister and your representatives agreed to. She didn’t seem very willing to speak of anything else but the handsome Mr. Theophilus since their lunch date two days ago. I am hoping that you will extend an invitation for me to develop good relations with you and your colleagues in order to provide a smooth and comfortable transition from two separate companies, into one unstoppable force.
I await in eager anticipation, not only to finally meet you and Mr. Theophilus, but Mr. Grant himself also.
Looking forward to your reply,
Kiara Ishida
Chief Executive Officer, Ishida International
P.S I am aware that this is extremely odd, since you are not my legal representation, however I need to know, if I wanted to sue my psychiatrist, would I sue the psychiatrist himself or sue the Department of Occupational Health and Safety which (forced) referred me to him in the first place?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-You have just received an email from Kiara Ishida-
“… Dear Mr McArthur….. yada yada……………………………oooh…. Very interesting… ……………….ANDREW! COME HERE! QUICK!”
“Yes? You wanted something?”
“Read this.”
“Dear Mr. McArthur…………………………………………….wow, she’s exactly like him isn’t she?”
“Should we tell him that she’s coming?”
“Nope”
“I was hoping you’d say that. I’ll email a reply right now.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Kiara Ishida, Chief Executive Office, Ishida International
From: Michael McArthur, Legal Department, Grant Industries
Re: Friendly Conversation…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
… would be most welcome. You are most welcome to drop by at any time, I am pleased that you would like to make yourself comfortable. We’ll be expecting you, I am also very keen to meet you also, Miss Ishida.
Yours Sincerely,
Michael McArthur
P.S In accordance with your legal dilemma, unless your psychiatrist has breached confidentiality or harassed you in any form, it’s HIS JOB to ask you questions of personal nature and make an assessment, regardless of his patient’s opinion.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- You have just received an email from Michael McArthur -
“Alana, come here.”
“Yup?”
“Read this.”
“………………………………………………………………………………Yeah, and?”
“He says, I’m ‘most welcome’.”
“Well I think that was very nice of Mr. McArthur, he was a very charming man when I met him, had the impression that he was like the older brother of the two.”
“I think I’ll just stop by there now.”
“Wait! Kiara, where are you going? You told them that you’d be there this afternoon.”
“I will be there this afternoon and as you have read, their reply indicates I can drop by any time I wish. I intend to redeem that invitation right now.”
“But -”
“Tell Clara to clear my morning for the hour and push back that meeting this afternoon, I have much business to discuss. Love you, bye.”
“Kiar – sigh, bye.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, downstairs Lobby café
“A tall white chocolate Mocha Frappacino please.”
“Coming right up”
“Why hello, I spotted you from a distance away, and realized I’ve never seen you before.”
“You have so many employees, Mr. Grant I doubt you’d be able to remember them all by name.”
“I also doubt that I’d ever be able to forget someone as comely and stunning as you.”
“Aha, you flatter me Mr. Grant.”
“I’m sorry, but I didn’t catch your name.”
“I didn’t give it.”
“Are you from one of our International Departments, an Asian Proprietor perhaps? What department do you work in?”
“…Yours.”
“Oh really? You mustn’t be a new assistant, because Emily is finally learning the correct procedures that are required for her occupation, and you can’t be my new secretary …who are you?”
“Believe me, you’ll find out soon enough.”
“White chocolate mocha ma’am?”
“Yes, thank you. As I was saying, you’ll discover that soon enough. I’ll see you soon James.”
“I’ll…see you soon, then.”
(meanwhile)
“Andrew! Hey, Andrew! Is that Alana Ishida speaking with Jay over there?”
“…Nnnnope, I don’t think so. She would have told me if she were coming in.”
“So who is that then?”
“…Don’t tell me…”
“Are you meaning to say, that the boss is speaking with Kiara Ishida, and he doesn’t even know it yet?”
“BWAHA! He looks like he’s trying to seduce her.”
“And failing”
“Anyone got some popcorn?”
“We’re geniuses.”
“I’ll hi-five to that, brother. Oh – Hi Jay!”
“I’ve just met the most intriguing woman.”
“Yeah, she’s pretty hot.”
“I wish to meet her again. Mike, find out who she is.”
“heh, no need.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Nothing!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Alana, I need a coffee.”
“You have one in your hand.”
“I need a new one.”
“So, how’d it go?”
“As expected. James Grant is a womanizing Vampire who’d commit to the random romp any time he feels like it, the philandering, lascivious, promiscuous immoral… there’s not even a noun for him!”
“You’ve used enough. I think your thesaurus just ran out.”
“Those were adjectives.”
“You could say Vampire.”
“I said that already.”
“At least you two have met.”
“I didn’t tell him who I was.”
“Y-You did what?”
“He thought I was some random employee and tried to chat me up. As suave and as pretty that man may think he is, he’s got another thing coming!”
“So you’re meeting them again this afternoon.”
“Yes. They’re expecting me there this afternoon. I needed to meet with James Grant on a level playing field. I need to know who I’m dealing with before I deal with them.”
“But it wasn’t a level playing field. You knew who he was.”
“And he knew who I was.”
“But, he didn’t recognize you. Let’s face it, our own father can’t recognize you.”
“Regardless, an assessment was required.”
“It’s not like you have a choice in the matter, he’s the one who’s buying us.”
“I will never allow, that egotistical man-whore run the company our family built from the back of a rickshaw.”
“Ouch, sis.”
“I will not have his stupidity besmirching the Ishida name. How they ever let that teenage boy run a multinational company, I don’t know. I don’t care what happens there this afternoon, but I remain the CEO.”
“Honey, you’ve had one conversation with the man.”
“But I know his type.”
“Just because you happened to spend six years in high school together, doesn’t mean he’s the same womanizing asshole he was when he was seventeen.”
“That was only a decade ago, you want to bet?”
“Yes, you’re noticeably different from your seventeen year old self.”
“That’s because I had ambition and drive to improve myself. You don’t know him like I do. He’s a stubborn, philandering -”
“Then you’ll know that he’s obstinate in maintaining his position. I was there that night at the restaurant, he’s as determined as you to remain the head.”
“But I have one thing he doesn’t”
“And what is that?’
“Morals”
“And what will you do if he doesn’t abdicate from the throne?”
“Seduce him right back.”
“Oh God…”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the late afternoon…
“You…”
“Hello Mr. Grant, Kiara Ishida, CEO of Ishida International, at your service.”
“You…”
“Given by your silence, I’m assuming that Mr. McArthur must have forgotten to inform you that I was stopping by today.”
“You…you were the…the café…”
“Hey Mike?”
“Yeah, Andrew?”
“I’m concerned.”
“About what?”
“Well, Jay looks… murderous right now.”
“He’s as red as a tomato.”
“I think he’s about to pop a vein.”
“On second thought, he’s a lovely shade of puce.”
“Puce? What’s that?”
“The color he is now.”
“Oh really, I’d just say that it was a marvelous shade of purple. Looks a bit plum, don’t you think?”
“Oh would you look at that, he’s completely stunned.”
“Speechless, he can’t even shake her hand.”
“Andrew, what do you think is going through his mind at the moment?”
“At the moment?.... At the moment I think he doesn’t know whether to be shocked, embarrassed or turned on. In about thirty seconds, he’s going to be thinking of fifty-eight different ways in which to murder us. Until then, I am content to sit back, relax and enjoy the show.”
“Is this worth our imminent death?”
“Totally”
“Totally”
“Wait, what’s he doing?”
“Miss Ishida, will you excuse me for just a moment?”
“Sure, Mr. Grant, we’ll be here awaiting your return before we begin.”
“Thank you.”
“Mike, where’s he going?”
“Why are you whispering?”
“Kiara’s right there.”
“Yeah, and?”
“She doesn’t need to hear our highly entertaining commentary.”
“Right, if I’m not mistaken….James was heading off into the direction of the toilet.”
“…um, Mike…is that, is that screaming?”
“…and I think I hear swearing.”
“Everyone! Quick! Come quick!”
“Emily, what’s going on?”
“I think man’s being murdered in the bathroom!”
“James!”
“Shit!”
“My, my, my, what a lively workplace you have here.”
“Miss Ishida, really, usually Grant Industries does not endorse such controversy…”
“No need to panic Mr. McArthur, on the contrary I find this situation quite amusing.”
“But Michael, what about James? Do you think something has happened to him?”
“I’m more concerned about what he’s done, actually.”
“Come, quick! I really think there’s someone in genuine distress! There’s screaming and wailing coming from the bathroom!”
…
“…Wait… it’s stopped.”
“Maybe we should check on James… he’s probably – James! Are you ok?”
“Yeah, you look, breathless are you -”
“My apologies for keeping everyone waiting, shall we begin?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello, you’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, Financial Advisor. My apologies for being unavailable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEP”
“LISTEN YOU PATHETIC WASTE OF SEX - I SAW WHAT YOU DID TODAY. I SAW YOU SCAMPER AWAY WITH MICHAEL AFTER THE MEETING LIKE VERMIN. JUST YOU WAIT! I WILL FREEZE YOU WITH COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF LIQUID NITROGEN, SMASH YOU INTO PIECES WITH MY LOVELY LEADEN SLEDGEHAMMER AND THEN I WILL ARGENTINIAN TANGO ON YOUR CRIMSON CRUSHED ICY BITS LAUGHING…UPROARIOUSLY. I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO KIARA ISHIDA IS, SO YOU’D BETTER GET ME EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ON HER. I WANT TO KNOW WHERE SHE’S BEEN, WHAT SHE DOES AND HOW SHE GOT THERE. ARE YOU LISTENING! I WANT TO KNOW EVERY HAIR ON HER HEAD – OR I’LL HAVE YOURS.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Greetings and salutations, you’ve reached the private number of Michael McArthur, the legal representation of Grant Industries who so happens to own a Porsche. So if you’re a budding car enthusiast who knows how to upgrade my engine, leave a message, if you’re a family member, friend or my wife, leave a message, if you’re a telemarketer, I will sue you and win. If you’re my boss, place the phone in its cradle and wait until tomorrow morning after you’ve had your coffee because I refuse to entertain you after business hours. If you persist, that’s harassment. BEEP”
“HARASSMENT? HARASSMENT? WHAT YOU AND ANDREW DID TO ME TODAY WAS INEXCUSEABLE! INEXCUSEABLE!! YOUR PORSCHE IS NOW REVOKED! NO MORE COMPANY CAR FOR YOU! I AM IMPOUNDING YOUR CAR INDEFINITELY! ONE MORE MOVE! JUST ONE MORE MOVE MR. MICKEY MOUSE AND YOUR BELOVED VEHICLE WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU AS METAL BEACHBALL!! GET ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT ISHIDA. NOW!!! YOU HAVE ONE HOUR.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve reached Andrew, if you’re my boss, I’m not here. BEEP”
“HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME! ANSWER YOUR MOBILE! YOU HAVE 57 MINUTES!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“BUGGER OFF! BEEP”
“Jay, calm down. Honestly, nothing was hurt but your ego, and perhaps the poor man I think you murdered in the men’s bathroom. It’s the weekend, therefore I can’t do anymore work for you. Sweet dreams, my love.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I’m not ignoring you. BEEP”
“What the bloody hell are you on about? No one was being murdered in the bathroom. I’m your BOSS. Therefore I tell YOU what to do, and when I do, you do it. 54 minutes!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“BUGGER OFF! BEEP”
“Oooh Jay, I believe I hear the tones of a dominatrix rising within you. Then who was screaming in the bathroom? I’m your financial advisor, not your assistant. Tell Emily to do it.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve reached Andrew, I’m not ignoring you. BEEP”
“Good God, is everything about sex with you? That was I screaming in the bathroom. I was experiencing a wild paroxysm in my tremendous fit of rage because I was publicly humiliated by two closest affiliates. I’m punishing you and Michael, not Emily – she brings me my Starbucks. 49 minutes!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“BUGGER OFF! BEEP”
“Then tell Michael to do it.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, the Grecian sex-god. Tell Michael to do it. BEEP”
“You great coward. Be prepared to experience a reckoning like no other!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Greetings and salutations, you’ve reached the private number of Michael McArthur, the legal representation of Grant Industries who so happens to own a Porsche, although may not for much longer. So if you’re a budding car enthusiast who knows how to upgrade my engine, leave a message, if you’re a family member, friend or my wife, leave a message, if you’re a telemarketer, I will sue you and win. If you’re my boss, please calm down. BEEP”
“47 minutes!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: My gracious, benevolent boss
From: Your employee who loves his car
About: For the love of God, don’t steal Porcia!
Attch: KIshida-doc.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attached is all the information you need.
BUT PLEASE! PLEASE! For the love of God! Don’t take away my baby! Please don’t take my Porcia away from me! I am begging you! I’ll be good, please just let her live! Please don’t murder her, like you did that man in the bathroom.
Your eternal servant,
Michael
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Pitiful peasant
From: Your liege, lord and master
Re: What the…?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Porcia? PORCIA? For God’s sake show some dignity man. You named your Porsche Porcia? I’d expect you to be a little more creative, but ah lawyers are prosaic like that. (Besides, are you not already shackled to the slave driver you call a wife?)
What are you an Andrew on about? I murdered no one in the bathroom. That was I screaming, and I blame you.
Bow down before me peasant,
Your King
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: The divine ruler
From: your peasant
About: Bathroom drama
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Correction: You sir, are the slave driver.)
Were you being murdered in the bathroom then?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Lowly surf
From: The Divine King
Re: Bathroom drama
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, as a matter of fact I was. The great searing stokes of excruciating public humiliation was stabbing me through the heart. Such dejection from my two closest employees has left me mortally wounded, and I still blame both you and Andrew.
Such treachery from my subjects! Such traitorous deeds!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
From: Get real
Re: Bathroom MELOdrama
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stop being so melodramatic.
As a matter of fact, Kiara found the entire situation quite amusing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Dame Edna
From: AT LEAST I’M ROYALTY
Re: Serious issues which shall not be taken lightly
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was potentially being murdered in the bathroom and she found it AMUSING?-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Gay Lord
From: Famous purple glasses
Re: No one was killing you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes.
I’ll talk to you later. Your pointless emails are flooding my inbox, and I don’t have much space left.
Go annoy Andrew.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello! You’ve reached Emily Connors, I’m really sorry for not being able to take your call! But if you leave a message, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible! Have a lovely day! WOOF! No – no Buster, away! Away from the phone, you’re making mummy mad! I’ll give you a doggy treat – Oh shit it’s still on - BEEP!”
“Emily! Tsk, tsk, tsk profanity on a public domain, how will you ever expect people - namely me - to be nice to someone who swears on the phone? Be useful and book an appointment with Dr. Dwyke and bring my coffee in five minutes earlier tomorrow morning. Extra hot!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greek_god28: He’s stopped harassing me
MickeyMouse: You can thank me later
Greek_god28: Why, what did you do?
MickeyMouse: Gave him what he wanted
Greek_god28: Whipped….
MickeyMouse: Oi! He was threatening Porcia! I couldn’t let her die!
Greek_god28: Dude, Porcia is A CAR. Not your wife (How is Lavinia, by the way?) Seek some professional help, please. Why not see Dwyke?
MickeyMouse: Dwyke? Who’s that? (Lavinia is very fine thank you, she’s still visiting my mother, said she needs a break from my long hours. She can’t handle Jay’s petulance)
Greek_god28: Jay’s shrink
MickeyMouse: OH he wanted to sue him, now I remember. Quite honestly I don’t think that man is any assistance at all!
Greek_god28: I think he’s excellent
MickeyMouse: Please don’t tell me that you see him.
Greek_god28: Of course not! I’m not as psychotic as James. Just think about it. James hasn’t physically assaulted either of us.
MickeyMouse: Very true…
Greek_god28: Remember last time?
MickeyMouse: Urgh! Please don’t remind me! I had to purchase a padlock for my front door! Lavinia definitely didn’t like that.
Greek_god28: Yeah, and I had to replace mine.
To: Michael McArthur, Grant Industries
From: Kiara Ishida, Chief Executive Office, Ishida International
About: Friendly Conversation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. McArthur,
My sincerest apologies for being unable to attend the meeting Friday night. However, I am willing to redeem myself by stopping by this afternoon for a discussion about the conditions my sister and your representatives agreed to. She didn’t seem very willing to speak of anything else but the handsome Mr. Theophilus since their lunch date two days ago. I am hoping that you will extend an invitation for me to develop good relations with you and your colleagues in order to provide a smooth and comfortable transition from two separate companies, into one unstoppable force.
I await in eager anticipation, not only to finally meet you and Mr. Theophilus, but Mr. Grant himself also.
Looking forward to your reply,
Kiara Ishida
Chief Executive Officer, Ishida International
P.S I am aware that this is extremely odd, since you are not my legal representation, however I need to know, if I wanted to sue my psychiatrist, would I sue the psychiatrist himself or sue the Department of Occupational Health and Safety which (forced) referred me to him in the first place?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-You have just received an email from Kiara Ishida-
“… Dear Mr McArthur….. yada yada……………………………oooh…. Very interesting… ……………….ANDREW! COME HERE! QUICK!”
“Yes? You wanted something?”
“Read this.”
“Dear Mr. McArthur…………………………………………….wow, she’s exactly like him isn’t she?”
“Should we tell him that she’s coming?”
“Nope”
“I was hoping you’d say that. I’ll email a reply right now.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Kiara Ishida, Chief Executive Office, Ishida International
From: Michael McArthur, Legal Department, Grant Industries
Re: Friendly Conversation…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
… would be most welcome. You are most welcome to drop by at any time, I am pleased that you would like to make yourself comfortable. We’ll be expecting you, I am also very keen to meet you also, Miss Ishida.
Yours Sincerely,
Michael McArthur
P.S In accordance with your legal dilemma, unless your psychiatrist has breached confidentiality or harassed you in any form, it’s HIS JOB to ask you questions of personal nature and make an assessment, regardless of his patient’s opinion.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- You have just received an email from Michael McArthur -
“Alana, come here.”
“Yup?”
“Read this.”
“………………………………………………………………………………Yeah, and?”
“He says, I’m ‘most welcome’.”
“Well I think that was very nice of Mr. McArthur, he was a very charming man when I met him, had the impression that he was like the older brother of the two.”
“I think I’ll just stop by there now.”
“Wait! Kiara, where are you going? You told them that you’d be there this afternoon.”
“I will be there this afternoon and as you have read, their reply indicates I can drop by any time I wish. I intend to redeem that invitation right now.”
“But -”
“Tell Clara to clear my morning for the hour and push back that meeting this afternoon, I have much business to discuss. Love you, bye.”
“Kiar – sigh, bye.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, downstairs Lobby café
“A tall white chocolate Mocha Frappacino please.”
“Coming right up”
“Why hello, I spotted you from a distance away, and realized I’ve never seen you before.”
“You have so many employees, Mr. Grant I doubt you’d be able to remember them all by name.”
“I also doubt that I’d ever be able to forget someone as comely and stunning as you.”
“Aha, you flatter me Mr. Grant.”
“I’m sorry, but I didn’t catch your name.”
“I didn’t give it.”
“Are you from one of our International Departments, an Asian Proprietor perhaps? What department do you work in?”
“…Yours.”
“Oh really? You mustn’t be a new assistant, because Emily is finally learning the correct procedures that are required for her occupation, and you can’t be my new secretary …who are you?”
“Believe me, you’ll find out soon enough.”
“White chocolate mocha ma’am?”
“Yes, thank you. As I was saying, you’ll discover that soon enough. I’ll see you soon James.”
“I’ll…see you soon, then.”
(meanwhile)
“Andrew! Hey, Andrew! Is that Alana Ishida speaking with Jay over there?”
“…Nnnnope, I don’t think so. She would have told me if she were coming in.”
“So who is that then?”
“…Don’t tell me…”
“Are you meaning to say, that the boss is speaking with Kiara Ishida, and he doesn’t even know it yet?”
“BWAHA! He looks like he’s trying to seduce her.”
“And failing”
“Anyone got some popcorn?”
“We’re geniuses.”
“I’ll hi-five to that, brother. Oh – Hi Jay!”
“I’ve just met the most intriguing woman.”
“Yeah, she’s pretty hot.”
“I wish to meet her again. Mike, find out who she is.”
“heh, no need.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Nothing!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Alana, I need a coffee.”
“You have one in your hand.”
“I need a new one.”
“So, how’d it go?”
“As expected. James Grant is a womanizing Vampire who’d commit to the random romp any time he feels like it, the philandering, lascivious, promiscuous immoral… there’s not even a noun for him!”
“You’ve used enough. I think your thesaurus just ran out.”
“Those were adjectives.”
“You could say Vampire.”
“I said that already.”
“At least you two have met.”
“I didn’t tell him who I was.”
“Y-You did what?”
“He thought I was some random employee and tried to chat me up. As suave and as pretty that man may think he is, he’s got another thing coming!”
“So you’re meeting them again this afternoon.”
“Yes. They’re expecting me there this afternoon. I needed to meet with James Grant on a level playing field. I need to know who I’m dealing with before I deal with them.”
“But it wasn’t a level playing field. You knew who he was.”
“And he knew who I was.”
“But, he didn’t recognize you. Let’s face it, our own father can’t recognize you.”
“Regardless, an assessment was required.”
“It’s not like you have a choice in the matter, he’s the one who’s buying us.”
“I will never allow, that egotistical man-whore run the company our family built from the back of a rickshaw.”
“Ouch, sis.”
“I will not have his stupidity besmirching the Ishida name. How they ever let that teenage boy run a multinational company, I don’t know. I don’t care what happens there this afternoon, but I remain the CEO.”
“Honey, you’ve had one conversation with the man.”
“But I know his type.”
“Just because you happened to spend six years in high school together, doesn’t mean he’s the same womanizing asshole he was when he was seventeen.”
“That was only a decade ago, you want to bet?”
“Yes, you’re noticeably different from your seventeen year old self.”
“That’s because I had ambition and drive to improve myself. You don’t know him like I do. He’s a stubborn, philandering -”
“Then you’ll know that he’s obstinate in maintaining his position. I was there that night at the restaurant, he’s as determined as you to remain the head.”
“But I have one thing he doesn’t”
“And what is that?’
“Morals”
“And what will you do if he doesn’t abdicate from the throne?”
“Seduce him right back.”
“Oh God…”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the late afternoon…
“You…”
“Hello Mr. Grant, Kiara Ishida, CEO of Ishida International, at your service.”
“You…”
“Given by your silence, I’m assuming that Mr. McArthur must have forgotten to inform you that I was stopping by today.”
“You…you were the…the café…”
“Hey Mike?”
“Yeah, Andrew?”
“I’m concerned.”
“About what?”
“Well, Jay looks… murderous right now.”
“He’s as red as a tomato.”
“I think he’s about to pop a vein.”
“On second thought, he’s a lovely shade of puce.”
“Puce? What’s that?”
“The color he is now.”
“Oh really, I’d just say that it was a marvelous shade of purple. Looks a bit plum, don’t you think?”
“Oh would you look at that, he’s completely stunned.”
“Speechless, he can’t even shake her hand.”
“Andrew, what do you think is going through his mind at the moment?”
“At the moment?.... At the moment I think he doesn’t know whether to be shocked, embarrassed or turned on. In about thirty seconds, he’s going to be thinking of fifty-eight different ways in which to murder us. Until then, I am content to sit back, relax and enjoy the show.”
“Is this worth our imminent death?”
“Totally”
“Totally”
“Wait, what’s he doing?”
“Miss Ishida, will you excuse me for just a moment?”
“Sure, Mr. Grant, we’ll be here awaiting your return before we begin.”
“Thank you.”
“Mike, where’s he going?”
“Why are you whispering?”
“Kiara’s right there.”
“Yeah, and?”
“She doesn’t need to hear our highly entertaining commentary.”
“Right, if I’m not mistaken….James was heading off into the direction of the toilet.”
“…um, Mike…is that, is that screaming?”
“…and I think I hear swearing.”
“Everyone! Quick! Come quick!”
“Emily, what’s going on?”
“I think man’s being murdered in the bathroom!”
“James!”
“Shit!”
“My, my, my, what a lively workplace you have here.”
“Miss Ishida, really, usually Grant Industries does not endorse such controversy…”
“No need to panic Mr. McArthur, on the contrary I find this situation quite amusing.”
“But Michael, what about James? Do you think something has happened to him?”
“I’m more concerned about what he’s done, actually.”
“Come, quick! I really think there’s someone in genuine distress! There’s screaming and wailing coming from the bathroom!”
…
“…Wait… it’s stopped.”
“Maybe we should check on James… he’s probably – James! Are you ok?”
“Yeah, you look, breathless are you -”
“My apologies for keeping everyone waiting, shall we begin?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello, you’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, Financial Advisor. My apologies for being unavailable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEP”
“LISTEN YOU PATHETIC WASTE OF SEX - I SAW WHAT YOU DID TODAY. I SAW YOU SCAMPER AWAY WITH MICHAEL AFTER THE MEETING LIKE VERMIN. JUST YOU WAIT! I WILL FREEZE YOU WITH COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF LIQUID NITROGEN, SMASH YOU INTO PIECES WITH MY LOVELY LEADEN SLEDGEHAMMER AND THEN I WILL ARGENTINIAN TANGO ON YOUR CRIMSON CRUSHED ICY BITS LAUGHING…UPROARIOUSLY. I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO KIARA ISHIDA IS, SO YOU’D BETTER GET ME EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ON HER. I WANT TO KNOW WHERE SHE’S BEEN, WHAT SHE DOES AND HOW SHE GOT THERE. ARE YOU LISTENING! I WANT TO KNOW EVERY HAIR ON HER HEAD – OR I’LL HAVE YOURS.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Greetings and salutations, you’ve reached the private number of Michael McArthur, the legal representation of Grant Industries who so happens to own a Porsche. So if you’re a budding car enthusiast who knows how to upgrade my engine, leave a message, if you’re a family member, friend or my wife, leave a message, if you’re a telemarketer, I will sue you and win. If you’re my boss, place the phone in its cradle and wait until tomorrow morning after you’ve had your coffee because I refuse to entertain you after business hours. If you persist, that’s harassment. BEEP”
“HARASSMENT? HARASSMENT? WHAT YOU AND ANDREW DID TO ME TODAY WAS INEXCUSEABLE! INEXCUSEABLE!! YOUR PORSCHE IS NOW REVOKED! NO MORE COMPANY CAR FOR YOU! I AM IMPOUNDING YOUR CAR INDEFINITELY! ONE MORE MOVE! JUST ONE MORE MOVE MR. MICKEY MOUSE AND YOUR BELOVED VEHICLE WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU AS METAL BEACHBALL!! GET ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT ISHIDA. NOW!!! YOU HAVE ONE HOUR.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve reached Andrew, if you’re my boss, I’m not here. BEEP”
“HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME! ANSWER YOUR MOBILE! YOU HAVE 57 MINUTES!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“BUGGER OFF! BEEP”
“Jay, calm down. Honestly, nothing was hurt but your ego, and perhaps the poor man I think you murdered in the men’s bathroom. It’s the weekend, therefore I can’t do anymore work for you. Sweet dreams, my love.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I’m not ignoring you. BEEP”
“What the bloody hell are you on about? No one was being murdered in the bathroom. I’m your BOSS. Therefore I tell YOU what to do, and when I do, you do it. 54 minutes!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“BUGGER OFF! BEEP”
“Oooh Jay, I believe I hear the tones of a dominatrix rising within you. Then who was screaming in the bathroom? I’m your financial advisor, not your assistant. Tell Emily to do it.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve reached Andrew, I’m not ignoring you. BEEP”
“Good God, is everything about sex with you? That was I screaming in the bathroom. I was experiencing a wild paroxysm in my tremendous fit of rage because I was publicly humiliated by two closest affiliates. I’m punishing you and Michael, not Emily – she brings me my Starbucks. 49 minutes!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“BUGGER OFF! BEEP”
“Then tell Michael to do it.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, the Grecian sex-god. Tell Michael to do it. BEEP”
“You great coward. Be prepared to experience a reckoning like no other!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Greetings and salutations, you’ve reached the private number of Michael McArthur, the legal representation of Grant Industries who so happens to own a Porsche, although may not for much longer. So if you’re a budding car enthusiast who knows how to upgrade my engine, leave a message, if you’re a family member, friend or my wife, leave a message, if you’re a telemarketer, I will sue you and win. If you’re my boss, please calm down. BEEP”
“47 minutes!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: My gracious, benevolent boss
From: Your employee who loves his car
About: For the love of God, don’t steal Porcia!
Attch: KIshida-doc.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attached is all the information you need.
BUT PLEASE! PLEASE! For the love of God! Don’t take away my baby! Please don’t take my Porcia away from me! I am begging you! I’ll be good, please just let her live! Please don’t murder her, like you did that man in the bathroom.
Your eternal servant,
Michael
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Pitiful peasant
From: Your liege, lord and master
Re: What the…?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Porcia? PORCIA? For God’s sake show some dignity man. You named your Porsche Porcia? I’d expect you to be a little more creative, but ah lawyers are prosaic like that. (Besides, are you not already shackled to the slave driver you call a wife?)
What are you an Andrew on about? I murdered no one in the bathroom. That was I screaming, and I blame you.
Bow down before me peasant,
Your King
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: The divine ruler
From: your peasant
About: Bathroom drama
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Correction: You sir, are the slave driver.)
Were you being murdered in the bathroom then?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Lowly surf
From: The Divine King
Re: Bathroom drama
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, as a matter of fact I was. The great searing stokes of excruciating public humiliation was stabbing me through the heart. Such dejection from my two closest employees has left me mortally wounded, and I still blame both you and Andrew.
Such treachery from my subjects! Such traitorous deeds!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
From: Get real
Re: Bathroom MELOdrama
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stop being so melodramatic.
As a matter of fact, Kiara found the entire situation quite amusing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Dame Edna
From: AT LEAST I’M ROYALTY
Re: Serious issues which shall not be taken lightly
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was potentially being murdered in the bathroom and she found it AMUSING?-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gmail message
To: Gay Lord
From: Famous purple glasses
Re: No one was killing you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes.
I’ll talk to you later. Your pointless emails are flooding my inbox, and I don’t have much space left.
Go annoy Andrew.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello! You’ve reached Emily Connors, I’m really sorry for not being able to take your call! But if you leave a message, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible! Have a lovely day! WOOF! No – no Buster, away! Away from the phone, you’re making mummy mad! I’ll give you a doggy treat – Oh shit it’s still on - BEEP!”
“Emily! Tsk, tsk, tsk profanity on a public domain, how will you ever expect people - namely me - to be nice to someone who swears on the phone? Be useful and book an appointment with Dr. Dwyke and bring my coffee in five minutes earlier tomorrow morning. Extra hot!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greek_god28: He’s stopped harassing me
MickeyMouse: You can thank me later
Greek_god28: Why, what did you do?
MickeyMouse: Gave him what he wanted
Greek_god28: Whipped….
MickeyMouse: Oi! He was threatening Porcia! I couldn’t let her die!
Greek_god28: Dude, Porcia is A CAR. Not your wife (How is Lavinia, by the way?) Seek some professional help, please. Why not see Dwyke?
MickeyMouse: Dwyke? Who’s that? (Lavinia is very fine thank you, she’s still visiting my mother, said she needs a break from my long hours. She can’t handle Jay’s petulance)
Greek_god28: Jay’s shrink
MickeyMouse: OH he wanted to sue him, now I remember. Quite honestly I don’t think that man is any assistance at all!
Greek_god28: I think he’s excellent
MickeyMouse: Please don’t tell me that you see him.
Greek_god28: Of course not! I’m not as psychotic as James. Just think about it. James hasn’t physically assaulted either of us.
MickeyMouse: Very true…
Greek_god28: Remember last time?
MickeyMouse: Urgh! Please don’t remind me! I had to purchase a padlock for my front door! Lavinia definitely didn’t like that.
Greek_god28: Yeah, and I had to replace mine.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Chapter 2
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: My English Muffin
CC: Mike
From: James Bond
About: The bait is out
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We’ve just sent the letter of proposal over to them over at Ishida, so I suspect we should be receiving a reply quite soon. You’re lucky Mike and I were there to help you. I don’t think ‘It is my desire to purchase your stocks and bankrupt your subsidiary, Locklear Construction (the company where I have encountered service and efficiency to run a company that levels the inadequacy and incompetence of a two-year old suffering from severe debilitating dementia). I refuse to hyphenate my name and I am more than willing to discuss an alternative.’ Would make a very good impression. All for the best, my man, all for the best.
Andrew,
“Corporate City Finance – Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The Greek Freak
From: The Vampire
Re: The bait is out
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still believe my version was concise, to the point and truthful. None of that frilly, flattering nonsense you two seemed to have written. But I digress – I do seem to continually forget that we are corresponding with women here. My brutally honest words might make them cry. I’m a sexist bigot and I have come to terms with that.
All for the best,
James,
“Business and pleasure don’t mix them together – and I am still the man who signs your paychecks.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The womanizing five-year old
From: Your tremendously patient Legal Representation
About: Reeling them in
Attch: Ishida-International-response.doc
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’ve just received an email from Ishida International they’re willing to meet us, enclosed are all the details including a time and date. Be there, and bring your best behavior and please try not to seduce anyone, especially not the head. She’s a bitch at best.
Sincerely hoping for your compliance,
Michael
“I own a Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The audacious arse, three doors down
From: Your tremendously patient BOSS
Re: Reeling them in
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Treat me like a child again and that company car will no longer be yours.
Threatening your Porsche ownership,
J. Grant – YOUR BOSS – I own you :D
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ishida International, Company Email
To: Michael McArthur, Grant Industries
CC: Andrew Theophilus, Corporate City Finance
From: Alana Ishida, Executive Office, Ishida International
Re: Proposal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ishida International
Innovation and couture, a step to the future
April 19th, 2008
Representatives of Grant Industries,
We have recently received your letter of proposal to merge with our esteemed corporation, Ishida International, and we express our utmost gratitude for taking such an enthusiastic interest in associating yourselves with our company. We are pleased to inform you that we accept your proposal and believe that such an alliance will be a highly beneficial to both corporations.
Regretfully, it has also come to our attention that you have received less than satisfactory service from our subsidiary, Locklear Construction. We are pleased to notify you that such transgressions of Locklear Construction have been immediately rectified and we apologize for any inconvenience caused.
Our representatives kindly offer an invitation to discuss the details of your proposal at 7:00pm at the Le Magnifique on Friday the 22nd of April, 2008, where we have taken the liberty to procure reservations.
Anticipating a positive step towards the future,
Yours Sincerely,
Alana Ishida
President, Ishida International
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Alana Ishida, Ishida International
From: J. Grant, Grant Industries
Re: Invitation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ms. Alana Ishida,
Here at Grant Industries we are delighted to hear of your acceptance and are pleased to accept your invitation. Locklear Construction will most definitely be a topic of discussion.
Looking forward to our meeting,
James Grant,
President and Chief Executive Officer, Grant Industries
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good Evening, Miss Ishida – is it?”
“Yes, good evening Dr. Dwyke… nice, comfortable chair you have here.”
“Thank you, so how are you?”
“Forgive me, but why am I attending this session?”
“You are here because the Department of Occupational Health and Safety has decreed that you be here. You are a charming young woman and the CEO of one of the major international corporations, you must be suffering from a lot of pressure and stress considering your young age and position of authority. So, how are you this evening?”
“Oh right, I’m meant to be telling you how I feel aren’t I? Ok… I feel impatient, apprehensive and… honestly, angry.”
“Do you know the reason behind these emotions?”
“Impatient, because no offence intended Dr. Dwyke, but I really don’t think I need to be here and I regard my mental health rather highly. Apprehensive because I’m on my way to a business dinner that could be the turning point of the best financial decision of my life (which adds to my impatience), and angry… I don’t really know why I’m angry, I just am.”
“Ah…not to worry, you’re not alone there.”
“Simply out of curiosity, what do therapists write on those notepads?”
“That is for me to know and you to wonder Miss Ishida.”
“Right…is there anything else you need to ask of me?”
“Yes, now, why do feel that you don’t need to be here?”
“Well, I’m a young, creative twenty-eight year old woman who is at the height of her career. I’m driven, ambitious and know exactly what I want, I am the head of one of the most successful and thriving corporations around. What else could a woman want?”
“Love, companionship, family perhaps…?”
“Ah, but such fairytales do not exist Dr. Dwyke. I believe you have encountered too many patients that believe they do.”
“So you have no thoughts of finding love and settling down?”
“Haha! Amusing doctor, finding love yes, but settling down? No. If I settle down I now I will be trapped into the strenuous confines that women around the world believe to be their destiny: to grow up, get married and have kids. I am an independent woman Dr. Dwyke, I do not intend to be trapped at the height of my life making smiley faces out bacon and eggs, mopping up chocolate colored vomit and driving my kids to soccer practice every Saturday morning. No, thank you.”
“So… you do not wish to be shackled down by the chains of domesticity?”
“Yes. Precisely, couldn’t have put it better myself.”
“Ah…”
…
“… Is the fact that you’re scrawling a rather long sentence on that notepad of yours, a merit to my mental health?”
“Miss Ishida, do you fear intimacy?”
“What? Are you suggesting that I am incompetent in bed – never mind. I don’t have any problems, Dr. Dwyke.”
“Miss Ishida, please tell me about your childhood.”
“What?”
“Your childhood, Miss Ishida”
“Forgive me Doctor, but if this carries on any further I will be late for a meeting with James Grant from Grant Industries.”
“What?”
“Grant Industries”
--
From the desk of Dr. L. Dwyke, Psychiatrist
Patient: Kiara Ishida
Notes: - Reserved, will relax once comfortable
- Head strong
- Independent
- Proud
- Evasive: In denial
- Fears Intimacy
- Slightly paranoid
- In denial
- Evades question about childhood
- Will be partners with James Grant, they’ll either tear each other apart or work like conjoined twins – let’s hope it’s the latter
- I’ll have my work cut out for me
- Desperately needs another session
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have received a text message from: Kiara
Hey, sis I can’t go 2 meeting held up @ psychiatrist.
He won’t let go. I’ll try make it.
In bathroom trying 2 escape.
Tell me about it later.
Dwyke is coming.
Sent: 18:55:09
22/04/08
You have received a reply from Alana
Fine. Leave me with vultures. U owe me.
Sent: 19:00:01
22/04/08
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good Evening, you’re a stunning young woman I’m assuming you must be Miss Alana Ishida, is it?”
“You flatter me Mr. Theophilus, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Ah! And one can only recognize that face who’s graced the cover of every business journal in the city! Mr. Grant it’s a pleasure to meet you, how are you this evening?”
“Fine, very fine… but I don’t think I’m the only one that’s looking very fine this evening.”
“Erm…”
“Shall we go inside?”
“Yes, Mr. Theophilus -”
“Please, call me Andrew”
“Ok then, yes Andrew I think that would be a very good idea.”
“Would you stop that, you said one sentence to her and you were already flirting!”
“Shut up, Michael.”
“I told you not to seduce anyone.”
“And I told you that I’ll confiscate that beloved Porshe of yours. Besides, she’s not the head now is she? She’s the President.”
“She happens to be Kiara’s sister.”
“Well, she’s quite the looker with that exotic Asian beauty of hers… here Michael. There’s Rachel’s number. Tell her I’m breaking up with her.”
“You haven’t done it yet?”
“Hey, what are employees for? Now I need to get in there before Andrew starts weaving his Greek God, Eros seduction tendrils around Alana so I can snag her for myself.”
--
Greek_god28: So what do you think?
MASTER: I’m quite satisfied actually.
MickeyMouse: I’m not.
Greek_god28: Pray, tell, why?
MickeyMouse: I think if Jay would stop ogling her chest every once and a while, then Locklear Construction would have been an in depth topic of discussion. Instead you spent the time seducing her, like I specifically told you not to.
MASTER: This coming from the lawyer whose online name happens to be “Mickey Mouse”
Greek_god28: Shut up the both of you. That isn’t a topic that should be discussed. We should be concerned about the business here.
MASTER: Like you can talk. You were the worst culprit of all, sitting inside her personal space, laughing at her jokes and grinning like a complete idiot.
Greek_god28: Precisely.
MickeyMouse: I’m confused…
Greek_god28: Alana Ishida shouldn’t be a topic of discussion, solely because she’s agreed to have lunch with me tomorrow afternoon. :P
MickeyMouse: Hey! Not you too! D:
MASTER: YOU’RE FIRED
Greek_god28: u serious?
MASTER: I’m not talking to you.
Greek_god28: I’m not fired. I’m too indispensible.
MASTER: THE DECEPTION!
MickeyMouse: Now you’re just overreacting.
MASTER: YOU FOUL UNWORTHY PREDATOR! I AM REVOKING YOUR PAYCHECK! I TOLD YOU TO BEWARE!
Greek_god28: Now, James
MASTER: THE BETRAYAL!
MickeyMouse: Oh, the onslaught of italics…
MASTER: Shove it Mickey!
Greek_god28: WHO WILL BE THE NEW CEO?
MASTER: Don’t change the subject – hey, wait. I haven’t the foggiest clue how you could even ask a question as ridiculous as that! I will be the CEO of course, they’re merging with US. I’M the CEO and I will REMAIN the CEO.
--
RING-RING
“Hello?”
“Hello Alana, so, how did it go?”
“Oh, hi Kiara, well um, better than expected – what kept you?”
“It’s all because of that godforsaken, senile old man. He’s absolutely delusional, and he demands that I have another session with him! I had to go to the bathroom to escape him, and I stayed in there so long that he now thinks I have agoraphobia!”
“Ouch, don’t scream.”
“Sorry, I’m on my way home now, so they’ve agreed to our terms?”
“Yes, but there are-“
“How are they? Do you think that they’re deceptive? Scheming? Planning to uproot us once they have the power?”
“Kiara, no, it’s all fine, everything is going smoothly. In fact, I’ll be on a date tomorrow.”
“What about Locklear Constructio- when the hell did you find time to find a date?”
“Now, sis, don’t be mad at me, it’s just that Andrew is a really nice man and he’s very witty and intelligent -”
“Andrew? Who the hell is Andrew? Andrew Theophilus? James Grant’s Financial Advisor? Are you suffering from dementia AND insanity? We’ll be working closely with them soon! I can’t have my employees traipsing about, snogging beside the water dispensers and trysting behind pot plants!”
“Speaking of business, there have been some negotiations…”
“Excuse me - don’t try to change the subject! Whatever happened to sisterly solidarity? Whatever happened to being single, independent women?”
“Well, it’s not all bad. I must say, even though he did try to make a pass at me, James Grant is very hot.”
“What? Alana I’ve seen the cover Forbes Magazine, he’s a Vampire.”
“Don’t you think that’s hot?”
“He’s a bloodsucking, womanizing, underhanded business man with absolutely no morals or ethics… I mean did you see that harpy he was with last week? I checked him out, he’s the perfect candidate for a drastic change.”
“So you ‘checked him out’ eh?”
“Shut up, you know what I mean.”
“Yes I know you do like your research to be thorough.”
“Alana!”
“Ha ha, ok so speaking of that, who’s going to be the CEO of this new company?”
“How can you ask that question? Me, of course”
“… right.”
To: My English Muffin
CC: Mike
From: James Bond
About: The bait is out
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We’ve just sent the letter of proposal over to them over at Ishida, so I suspect we should be receiving a reply quite soon. You’re lucky Mike and I were there to help you. I don’t think ‘It is my desire to purchase your stocks and bankrupt your subsidiary, Locklear Construction (the company where I have encountered service and efficiency to run a company that levels the inadequacy and incompetence of a two-year old suffering from severe debilitating dementia). I refuse to hyphenate my name and I am more than willing to discuss an alternative.’ Would make a very good impression. All for the best, my man, all for the best.
Andrew,
“Corporate City Finance – Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The Greek Freak
From: The Vampire
Re: The bait is out
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still believe my version was concise, to the point and truthful. None of that frilly, flattering nonsense you two seemed to have written. But I digress – I do seem to continually forget that we are corresponding with women here. My brutally honest words might make them cry. I’m a sexist bigot and I have come to terms with that.
All for the best,
James,
“Business and pleasure don’t mix them together – and I am still the man who signs your paychecks.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The womanizing five-year old
From: Your tremendously patient Legal Representation
About: Reeling them in
Attch: Ishida-International-response.doc
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’ve just received an email from Ishida International they’re willing to meet us, enclosed are all the details including a time and date. Be there, and bring your best behavior and please try not to seduce anyone, especially not the head. She’s a bitch at best.
Sincerely hoping for your compliance,
Michael
“I own a Porsche”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The audacious arse, three doors down
From: Your tremendously patient BOSS
Re: Reeling them in
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Treat me like a child again and that company car will no longer be yours.
Threatening your Porsche ownership,
J. Grant – YOUR BOSS – I own you :D
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ishida International, Company Email
To: Michael McArthur, Grant Industries
CC: Andrew Theophilus, Corporate City Finance
From: Alana Ishida, Executive Office, Ishida International
Re: Proposal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ishida International
Innovation and couture, a step to the future
April 19th, 2008
Representatives of Grant Industries,
We have recently received your letter of proposal to merge with our esteemed corporation, Ishida International, and we express our utmost gratitude for taking such an enthusiastic interest in associating yourselves with our company. We are pleased to inform you that we accept your proposal and believe that such an alliance will be a highly beneficial to both corporations.
Regretfully, it has also come to our attention that you have received less than satisfactory service from our subsidiary, Locklear Construction. We are pleased to notify you that such transgressions of Locklear Construction have been immediately rectified and we apologize for any inconvenience caused.
Our representatives kindly offer an invitation to discuss the details of your proposal at 7:00pm at the Le Magnifique on Friday the 22nd of April, 2008, where we have taken the liberty to procure reservations.
Anticipating a positive step towards the future,
Yours Sincerely,
Alana Ishida
President, Ishida International
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: Alana Ishida, Ishida International
From: J. Grant, Grant Industries
Re: Invitation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ms. Alana Ishida,
Here at Grant Industries we are delighted to hear of your acceptance and are pleased to accept your invitation. Locklear Construction will most definitely be a topic of discussion.
Looking forward to our meeting,
James Grant,
President and Chief Executive Officer, Grant Industries
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good Evening, Miss Ishida – is it?”
“Yes, good evening Dr. Dwyke… nice, comfortable chair you have here.”
“Thank you, so how are you?”
“Forgive me, but why am I attending this session?”
“You are here because the Department of Occupational Health and Safety has decreed that you be here. You are a charming young woman and the CEO of one of the major international corporations, you must be suffering from a lot of pressure and stress considering your young age and position of authority. So, how are you this evening?”
“Oh right, I’m meant to be telling you how I feel aren’t I? Ok… I feel impatient, apprehensive and… honestly, angry.”
“Do you know the reason behind these emotions?”
“Impatient, because no offence intended Dr. Dwyke, but I really don’t think I need to be here and I regard my mental health rather highly. Apprehensive because I’m on my way to a business dinner that could be the turning point of the best financial decision of my life (which adds to my impatience), and angry… I don’t really know why I’m angry, I just am.”
“Ah…not to worry, you’re not alone there.”
“Simply out of curiosity, what do therapists write on those notepads?”
“That is for me to know and you to wonder Miss Ishida.”
“Right…is there anything else you need to ask of me?”
“Yes, now, why do feel that you don’t need to be here?”
“Well, I’m a young, creative twenty-eight year old woman who is at the height of her career. I’m driven, ambitious and know exactly what I want, I am the head of one of the most successful and thriving corporations around. What else could a woman want?”
“Love, companionship, family perhaps…?”
“Ah, but such fairytales do not exist Dr. Dwyke. I believe you have encountered too many patients that believe they do.”
“So you have no thoughts of finding love and settling down?”
“Haha! Amusing doctor, finding love yes, but settling down? No. If I settle down I now I will be trapped into the strenuous confines that women around the world believe to be their destiny: to grow up, get married and have kids. I am an independent woman Dr. Dwyke, I do not intend to be trapped at the height of my life making smiley faces out bacon and eggs, mopping up chocolate colored vomit and driving my kids to soccer practice every Saturday morning. No, thank you.”
“So… you do not wish to be shackled down by the chains of domesticity?”
“Yes. Precisely, couldn’t have put it better myself.”
“Ah…”
…
“… Is the fact that you’re scrawling a rather long sentence on that notepad of yours, a merit to my mental health?”
“Miss Ishida, do you fear intimacy?”
“What? Are you suggesting that I am incompetent in bed – never mind. I don’t have any problems, Dr. Dwyke.”
“Miss Ishida, please tell me about your childhood.”
“What?”
“Your childhood, Miss Ishida”
“Forgive me Doctor, but if this carries on any further I will be late for a meeting with James Grant from Grant Industries.”
“What?”
“Grant Industries”
--
From the desk of Dr. L. Dwyke, Psychiatrist
Patient: Kiara Ishida
Notes: - Reserved, will relax once comfortable
- Head strong
- Independent
- Proud
- Evasive: In denial
- Fears Intimacy
- Slightly paranoid
- In denial
- Evades question about childhood
- Will be partners with James Grant, they’ll either tear each other apart or work like conjoined twins – let’s hope it’s the latter
- I’ll have my work cut out for me
- Desperately needs another session
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have received a text message from: Kiara
Hey, sis I can’t go 2 meeting held up @ psychiatrist.
He won’t let go. I’ll try make it.
In bathroom trying 2 escape.
Tell me about it later.
Dwyke is coming.
Sent: 18:55:09
22/04/08
You have received a reply from Alana
Fine. Leave me with vultures. U owe me.
Sent: 19:00:01
22/04/08
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Good Evening, you’re a stunning young woman I’m assuming you must be Miss Alana Ishida, is it?”
“You flatter me Mr. Theophilus, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Ah! And one can only recognize that face who’s graced the cover of every business journal in the city! Mr. Grant it’s a pleasure to meet you, how are you this evening?”
“Fine, very fine… but I don’t think I’m the only one that’s looking very fine this evening.”
“Erm…”
“Shall we go inside?”
“Yes, Mr. Theophilus -”
“Please, call me Andrew”
“Ok then, yes Andrew I think that would be a very good idea.”
“Would you stop that, you said one sentence to her and you were already flirting!”
“Shut up, Michael.”
“I told you not to seduce anyone.”
“And I told you that I’ll confiscate that beloved Porshe of yours. Besides, she’s not the head now is she? She’s the President.”
“She happens to be Kiara’s sister.”
“Well, she’s quite the looker with that exotic Asian beauty of hers… here Michael. There’s Rachel’s number. Tell her I’m breaking up with her.”
“You haven’t done it yet?”
“Hey, what are employees for? Now I need to get in there before Andrew starts weaving his Greek God, Eros seduction tendrils around Alana so I can snag her for myself.”
--
Greek_god28: So what do you think?
MASTER: I’m quite satisfied actually.
MickeyMouse: I’m not.
Greek_god28: Pray, tell, why?
MickeyMouse: I think if Jay would stop ogling her chest every once and a while, then Locklear Construction would have been an in depth topic of discussion. Instead you spent the time seducing her, like I specifically told you not to.
MASTER: This coming from the lawyer whose online name happens to be “Mickey Mouse”
Greek_god28: Shut up the both of you. That isn’t a topic that should be discussed. We should be concerned about the business here.
MASTER: Like you can talk. You were the worst culprit of all, sitting inside her personal space, laughing at her jokes and grinning like a complete idiot.
Greek_god28: Precisely.
MickeyMouse: I’m confused…
Greek_god28: Alana Ishida shouldn’t be a topic of discussion, solely because she’s agreed to have lunch with me tomorrow afternoon. :P
MickeyMouse: Hey! Not you too! D:
MASTER: YOU’RE FIRED
Greek_god28: u serious?
MASTER: I’m not talking to you.
Greek_god28: I’m not fired. I’m too indispensible.
MASTER: THE DECEPTION!
MickeyMouse: Now you’re just overreacting.
MASTER: YOU FOUL UNWORTHY PREDATOR! I AM REVOKING YOUR PAYCHECK! I TOLD YOU TO BEWARE!
Greek_god28: Now, James
MASTER: THE BETRAYAL!
MickeyMouse: Oh, the onslaught of italics…
MASTER: Shove it Mickey!
Greek_god28: WHO WILL BE THE NEW CEO?
MASTER: Don’t change the subject – hey, wait. I haven’t the foggiest clue how you could even ask a question as ridiculous as that! I will be the CEO of course, they’re merging with US. I’M the CEO and I will REMAIN the CEO.
--
RING-RING
“Hello?”
“Hello Alana, so, how did it go?”
“Oh, hi Kiara, well um, better than expected – what kept you?”
“It’s all because of that godforsaken, senile old man. He’s absolutely delusional, and he demands that I have another session with him! I had to go to the bathroom to escape him, and I stayed in there so long that he now thinks I have agoraphobia!”
“Ouch, don’t scream.”
“Sorry, I’m on my way home now, so they’ve agreed to our terms?”
“Yes, but there are-“
“How are they? Do you think that they’re deceptive? Scheming? Planning to uproot us once they have the power?”
“Kiara, no, it’s all fine, everything is going smoothly. In fact, I’ll be on a date tomorrow.”
“What about Locklear Constructio- when the hell did you find time to find a date?”
“Now, sis, don’t be mad at me, it’s just that Andrew is a really nice man and he’s very witty and intelligent -”
“Andrew? Who the hell is Andrew? Andrew Theophilus? James Grant’s Financial Advisor? Are you suffering from dementia AND insanity? We’ll be working closely with them soon! I can’t have my employees traipsing about, snogging beside the water dispensers and trysting behind pot plants!”
“Speaking of business, there have been some negotiations…”
“Excuse me - don’t try to change the subject! Whatever happened to sisterly solidarity? Whatever happened to being single, independent women?”
“Well, it’s not all bad. I must say, even though he did try to make a pass at me, James Grant is very hot.”
“What? Alana I’ve seen the cover Forbes Magazine, he’s a Vampire.”
“Don’t you think that’s hot?”
“He’s a bloodsucking, womanizing, underhanded business man with absolutely no morals or ethics… I mean did you see that harpy he was with last week? I checked him out, he’s the perfect candidate for a drastic change.”
“So you ‘checked him out’ eh?”
“Shut up, you know what I mean.”
“Yes I know you do like your research to be thorough.”
“Alana!”
“Ha ha, ok so speaking of that, who’s going to be the CEO of this new company?”
“How can you ask that question? Me, of course”
“… right.”
Chapter 1
List of things to do so I can achieve my ultimate goals and so my impertinent assistant will be appeased by my productivity which is conducive to a concise and structured manner
1. Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2. Sign the reports and release forms that are gradually stacking up and occupying valuable space on my large and ostentatious desk which could be used to house Starbuck’s coffee
3. Discuss with Legal representation as to why suing the most idiotically incompetent company on earth is not possible
4. Discuss with Financial Advisor as to why wishing to purchase said incompetent company is unprofitable.
5. Lunch with Rachel (she’s in town)
6. Check heads of both research and property departments on recent progress
7. Remind myself to break it off with Rachel – monogamy is not my style
8. Meet with the effeminate fruitcake to discuss my feelings (psychiatrist)
9. Dinner with Rachel – I earnestly hope that she doesn’t show
--
“Good morning Mr. Grant, how are you this morning?”
“Am I supposed to endeavor the fruitless quest for relaxation, on this hideously uncomfortable looking couch?”
“Yes, now how are you?”
“Remind me, why am I here?”
“You are here because the department of Occupational Health and Safety has decreed that you be here. You are the CEO of a major international corporation. Given your age you must be under a great amount stress and pressure. Perhaps you are also missing out on the frivolities most people your age partake on. For your own benefit, please refrain from answering my questions with questions, so, how are you?”
“I think my disposition would be rather obvious, indicated by the scowl I am giving you at the moment.”
“Ah”
“What are you writing? What is that you’re scribbling down? Despite any misconceptions you may have already conceived, I am not a nutter!”
“Are you always this attentive to your surroundings?”
“What exactly are you insinuating? That I’m paranoid?”
“What do you think I’m insinuating?”
“Don’t take that calm complacent tone with me! I know that underneath that tweed jacket and endearing smile, you think I’m insane, it’s unfortunate that I must correct your error Dr. Dwyke: I am a wealthy, successful twenty-eight year old man who is at the greatest juncture of drowning within the merits of his own success. I am like any conniving businessman Dr. Dwyke, of course I am attentive.”
“I take it that you’re rather proud of your achievements?”
“I’m at the top of my game, where my outstanding business prowess serves its best. Honestly, what else could a man possibly want?”
“Love, companionship, family perhaps…?”
“Oh God you’re not one of those effeminate metros are you?”
“So, settling down has never crossed your mind?”
“…”
“…Mr. Grant?”
“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Mr. Grant, would you care to elucidate to me exactly what to find so incredibly amusing?”
“Me? Settle down? Are you insane? I’m at the height of my success, the creator and owner of a major international corporation. I’m still young - do you know what monogamy does to you? It causes hundreds and thousands of men all over the world to be shackled down by the chains of domesticity and locks them into the bourgeois world of frills, lace, ‘The Notebook’ and ‘honey-I’m-homes’”
“Ah, I see.”
“Put that pen down!”
“Mr. Grant, please tell me about your childhood.”
“What?”
--
From the desk of Dr. L. Dwyke, Psychiatrist
Patient: James Grant
Notes: - Proud man, must have been introduced to luxury as a child
- arrogant
- evasive: in denial
- Paranoid
- Independent
- Proud
- In denial
- Fears intimacy – must be from parental example
- In denial
- Evades questions about childhood and is seemingly amused by my frustrations
- In denial
- Desperately needs another session
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The person with the desk outside my office
From: Your boss
About: My coffee on my desk in five minutes! It had better be hot! Five minutes!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emily, you’re an intern and my assistant, it’s you’re first week so I’ll go easy on you. It takes exactly two seconds for this email to transmit from my office to your computer screen. That leaves you with four minutes and fifty-eight seconds to bring me my black. I’ll add on the extra two seconds because I know it will demand more time for you to fetch Michael (my lawyer) for me. Bring him in - I want to sue someone.
James Grant
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Emily, why does this coffee not have a coaster? Bring me back a coaster.”
“Morning Jay, what’s this about?”
“Yes – Where the bloody hell is my coas – OW! Thank you, but you didn’t have to throw it. I think it might bruise. Michael I need to sue someone.”
“Again? Jay, you can’t just sue people left, right and centre”
“Why the hell not?”
“Number one, you can’t sue Locklear Construction for making you angry and number two, er, uh…who’s this next guy you want to take down?”
“The Government Department of Occupational Health and Safety”
“Sigh…James, you can’t just – do that.”
“Why? I want to.”
“And why do you want to?”
“Because, by this stupid new law I have just spent the last two hours, in the office of an effeminate fruitcake of a psychiatrist taking a good ol’ trip down memory lane where I have just answered stupid little questions such as ‘how was your childhood?’ and ‘how do you feel about that?’ oh but most of all ‘How does that particular memory make you feel?’ – It was a complete waste of precious time that I could have utilized in expanding my ever-growing business empire!”
“That…that’s not an illegal foundation that’ll hold up in court”
“Don’t shake your head at me! It’s an explicit violation of my privacy! How dare he ask me those questions of such personal nature! He also ruined the order of my day! Look! … See here, he’s eighth and he demanded to be first! And – and you know what, we can sue Locklear Construction for false advertising! They promise us service and what do we get? Incompetence!”
“Jay, if everyone in the world was like you, we’d all be petulant children.”
“I resent that, you ponce.”
“Goodbye James”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: James Grant, Grant Industries
From: Andrew Theophilus, Corporate City Finance
About: Locklear Construction
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don’t do this James! Just, don’t. Do not proceed to purchase Locklear Construction. You WILL lose hundreds of millions of dollars. Not many people are happy with them either, and if you buy the company, you’re also going to have to pay off their debt and be sued along with them. As your FINANCIAL ADVISOR I suggest that you merge with their parent corporation, Ishida International. They’re on the lookout for a company to merge with, you see and if you do this, Locklear Construction will be our subsidiary! Then you can crush them. Furthermore, if you merge with Ishida International, you will then be owner of or partners to the major corporations leading in research, media and property in the world. You WILL gain hundreds of millions of dollars.
Think about it.
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance, Financial advice at half the price!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The insufferable Freak
From: The richest man in the world
Re: I’ve had a really bad morning… and Locklear Construction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY NAME WILL NOT BE HYPHENATED!
James
PS. Change your motto, I give you hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: The Petulant Child
From: Your ADVISOR
Re: Locklear Construction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My God, Michael was right. You are a petulant child. You change your motto - you don’t sign my paycheck, well sort-of. Anyway you are not the richest man in the world so get over yourself. We all suffer from Monday-itis.
Seriously, think about what I said.
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance, Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello, you’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, Financial Advisor. My apologies for being unavailable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEP”
“Dear God man, your message tone is about as boring and lifeless as your ties. What’s this about merging with Ishida International? I think if all goes to plan, soon, Locklear Construction will be mine! MINE! I will not hesitate to bankrupt any poor worthless soul who dares advertise competent service and provide me with less than satisfactory, sub-standard knock-offs, failing to reach the caliber that I uphold for my own company! Just you wait and see! Locklear Construction will suffer! -”
“… I think the damn thing just cut me off. Anyway, I’m here at the Bayside Club in the city. I’ll meet you here in forty-five to discuss this thing with Ishida International.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I dare not allude to what astounding illegal measures you have partaken to acquire this number, so unless you wish for me to strip you of your livelihood and watch with moderate amusement as you live clinging to the bare strands of survival on a God-forsaken spit of land, you had better save your breath for someone else. Because this is all your message will mean to me – nothing! BEEP.”
“JAMES IT IS THREE O’CLOCK IN THE BLOODY MORNING! Unlike you I have a LIFE. I NEED MY SLEEP! I don’t have time to listen to your future plans for world domination. So excuse me while I lose myself in the depths of an UNITERRUPTED slumber as I attempt to enjoy the only suspended state of blissful oblivion, that working for you have forthwith deprived me of. We will discuss Ishida International later this morning. Good day to you sir!”
--
List of things to do so I can achieve my ultimate goals and so my impertinent assistant will be appeased by my productivity which is conducive to a concise and structured manner
1. Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2. Reprimand Andrew for not meeting me at the bayside
3. Discuss with Michael and Andrew the prospects of merging with Ishida International
4. Lunch with Rachel, must bring up topic of breaking it off
5. Meeting with Head of the Department of Research – seems like good news
6. Drafting with Michael and Andrew the contracts and proposal letter
7. See if Ishida International has agreed to a time and place in which to meet
8. Remind myself to break it off with Rachel if mission impossible has failed
--
“Emily! Where’s my coffee? It had better be – oh and would you look at that. You even brought me a coaster. See? You’re learning.”
“Jay, she just gave you the eye-roll.”
“Good morning Andrew, why didn’t you meet me at the bayside? And why is your hair slicked back? It’s ridiculous, you look like James Bond.”
“Forgive me if I’m not the blond-haired blue-eyed English Muffin that you are. I actually appreciate my rugged Mediterranean physique. I’m tall dark and handsome and you - you simply look like a Vampire from an Anne Rice novel.”
“Why didn’t you meet me there this morning? You kept Rachel and I waiting.”
“You and Rachel? I thought you would have already given her the flick. You said that monogamy was not your style.”
“It isn’t, she’s a possessive, obsessive wench, that’s what she is. Why didn’t you meet me?”
“No need to be testy, little girl. You see, at night, I do something that you may be familiar with. It’s called sleep. You should try it, then perhaps you wouldn’t drink coffee strong enough to wake a dead horse and then you might be as so kind not to bark at your poor assistant every morning.”
“Don’t push it you Greek Freak.”
“You know you love me.”
“No. I love Michael, now shove off and help me differentiate the pros and cons of merging with Ishida International.”
“So, are you ready to meet Kiara?”
“Who the bloody hell is Kiara? You’re not pimping again, are you?”
“No, Kiara is the head of Ishida International of course.”
“…”
“Jay?”
“…”
“James? Are you alright? Are you blushing?”
THWACK!
“Argh! …What the hell? Jay! Oh look, and it was on my good cheek too, and now it’s going to bruise. I’m going to have to borrow a bit of Nancy’s make up to cover this up.”
“Of course I’m not blushing, you Greek Freak! Can’t you tell that my face is flushed with tremendous rage? How could you not inform me that the head of Ishida International was a woman! You know I cannot work with women!”
“Oh? Is that why Emily is the fourth assistant you’ve hired this month?”
“What the hell do you mean?”
“Oh come on, last week you fired that hottie, Sandra for – what was it? Oh yes, cleavage.”
“Exactly, she wasn’t displaying enough. She was wearing a turtle neck in spring. That’s an insult to testosterone.”
“What? That’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard…You fire people left, right and centre for the most pitiful reasons. It’s so ridiculous, I think your Human Resources manager is threatening to resign.”
“And she’s a woman! A man has got to have pride in his name and my name will not be hyphenated by a woman!”
“Oh for goodness sake, no one is going to get their name hyphenated.”
“But you know I don’t work well with women. I prefer to ruthlessly underhand males, look Emily already hates me and if you were female I’m sure you would be crying by now.”
“I imagine that you wouldn’t punch your female employees either. The only reason why Emily hates you after her first day is because you need to learn how to loosen up and get to bed a decent time.”
“I do get to bed at a decent time, it’s just that I don’t fall asleep unti – never mind.”
“Good, I don’t want to know what time you manage to get some shut eye after you and Rachel have finished.”
“Precisely my point, ‘business and pleasure don’t mix them together’ that’s my rhyming motto.”
“I thought your motto was ‘Beware, I sign your paychecks?’ …Regardless, if you can be mature about this and keep James Jr. down, then you’d might as well be one of the most successful, resourceful and wealthiest men in the world.”
“Hmm, that does sound enticing… Fine. Emily! Bring in Michael, we have a proposal to discuss.”
1. Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2. Sign the reports and release forms that are gradually stacking up and occupying valuable space on my large and ostentatious desk which could be used to house Starbuck’s coffee
3. Discuss with Legal representation as to why suing the most idiotically incompetent company on earth is not possible
4. Discuss with Financial Advisor as to why wishing to purchase said incompetent company is unprofitable.
5. Lunch with Rachel (she’s in town)
6. Check heads of both research and property departments on recent progress
7. Remind myself to break it off with Rachel – monogamy is not my style
8. Meet with the effeminate fruitcake to discuss my feelings (psychiatrist)
9. Dinner with Rachel – I earnestly hope that she doesn’t show
--
“Good morning Mr. Grant, how are you this morning?”
“Am I supposed to endeavor the fruitless quest for relaxation, on this hideously uncomfortable looking couch?”
“Yes, now how are you?”
“Remind me, why am I here?”
“You are here because the department of Occupational Health and Safety has decreed that you be here. You are the CEO of a major international corporation. Given your age you must be under a great amount stress and pressure. Perhaps you are also missing out on the frivolities most people your age partake on. For your own benefit, please refrain from answering my questions with questions, so, how are you?”
“I think my disposition would be rather obvious, indicated by the scowl I am giving you at the moment.”
“Ah”
“What are you writing? What is that you’re scribbling down? Despite any misconceptions you may have already conceived, I am not a nutter!”
“Are you always this attentive to your surroundings?”
“What exactly are you insinuating? That I’m paranoid?”
“What do you think I’m insinuating?”
“Don’t take that calm complacent tone with me! I know that underneath that tweed jacket and endearing smile, you think I’m insane, it’s unfortunate that I must correct your error Dr. Dwyke: I am a wealthy, successful twenty-eight year old man who is at the greatest juncture of drowning within the merits of his own success. I am like any conniving businessman Dr. Dwyke, of course I am attentive.”
“I take it that you’re rather proud of your achievements?”
“I’m at the top of my game, where my outstanding business prowess serves its best. Honestly, what else could a man possibly want?”
“Love, companionship, family perhaps…?”
“Oh God you’re not one of those effeminate metros are you?”
“So, settling down has never crossed your mind?”
“…”
“…Mr. Grant?”
“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Mr. Grant, would you care to elucidate to me exactly what to find so incredibly amusing?”
“Me? Settle down? Are you insane? I’m at the height of my success, the creator and owner of a major international corporation. I’m still young - do you know what monogamy does to you? It causes hundreds and thousands of men all over the world to be shackled down by the chains of domesticity and locks them into the bourgeois world of frills, lace, ‘The Notebook’ and ‘honey-I’m-homes’”
“Ah, I see.”
“Put that pen down!”
“Mr. Grant, please tell me about your childhood.”
“What?”
--
From the desk of Dr. L. Dwyke, Psychiatrist
Patient: James Grant
Notes: - Proud man, must have been introduced to luxury as a child
- arrogant
- evasive: in denial
- Paranoid
- Independent
- Proud
- In denial
- Fears intimacy – must be from parental example
- In denial
- Evades questions about childhood and is seemingly amused by my frustrations
- In denial
- Desperately needs another session
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The person with the desk outside my office
From: Your boss
About: My coffee on my desk in five minutes! It had better be hot! Five minutes!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emily, you’re an intern and my assistant, it’s you’re first week so I’ll go easy on you. It takes exactly two seconds for this email to transmit from my office to your computer screen. That leaves you with four minutes and fifty-eight seconds to bring me my black. I’ll add on the extra two seconds because I know it will demand more time for you to fetch Michael (my lawyer) for me. Bring him in - I want to sue someone.
James Grant
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Emily, why does this coffee not have a coaster? Bring me back a coaster.”
“Morning Jay, what’s this about?”
“Yes – Where the bloody hell is my coas – OW! Thank you, but you didn’t have to throw it. I think it might bruise. Michael I need to sue someone.”
“Again? Jay, you can’t just sue people left, right and centre”
“Why the hell not?”
“Number one, you can’t sue Locklear Construction for making you angry and number two, er, uh…who’s this next guy you want to take down?”
“The Government Department of Occupational Health and Safety”
“Sigh…James, you can’t just – do that.”
“Why? I want to.”
“And why do you want to?”
“Because, by this stupid new law I have just spent the last two hours, in the office of an effeminate fruitcake of a psychiatrist taking a good ol’ trip down memory lane where I have just answered stupid little questions such as ‘how was your childhood?’ and ‘how do you feel about that?’ oh but most of all ‘How does that particular memory make you feel?’ – It was a complete waste of precious time that I could have utilized in expanding my ever-growing business empire!”
“That…that’s not an illegal foundation that’ll hold up in court”
“Don’t shake your head at me! It’s an explicit violation of my privacy! How dare he ask me those questions of such personal nature! He also ruined the order of my day! Look! … See here, he’s eighth and he demanded to be first! And – and you know what, we can sue Locklear Construction for false advertising! They promise us service and what do we get? Incompetence!”
“Jay, if everyone in the world was like you, we’d all be petulant children.”
“I resent that, you ponce.”
“Goodbye James”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: James Grant, Grant Industries
From: Andrew Theophilus, Corporate City Finance
About: Locklear Construction
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don’t do this James! Just, don’t. Do not proceed to purchase Locklear Construction. You WILL lose hundreds of millions of dollars. Not many people are happy with them either, and if you buy the company, you’re also going to have to pay off their debt and be sued along with them. As your FINANCIAL ADVISOR I suggest that you merge with their parent corporation, Ishida International. They’re on the lookout for a company to merge with, you see and if you do this, Locklear Construction will be our subsidiary! Then you can crush them. Furthermore, if you merge with Ishida International, you will then be owner of or partners to the major corporations leading in research, media and property in the world. You WILL gain hundreds of millions of dollars.
Think about it.
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance, Financial advice at half the price!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grant Industries, Company Email
To: The insufferable Freak
From: The richest man in the world
Re: I’ve had a really bad morning… and Locklear Construction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY NAME WILL NOT BE HYPHENATED!
James
PS. Change your motto, I give you hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
“Beware, I sign your paychecks”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corporate City Finance, Company Email
To: The Petulant Child
From: Your ADVISOR
Re: Locklear Construction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My God, Michael was right. You are a petulant child. You change your motto - you don’t sign my paycheck, well sort-of. Anyway you are not the richest man in the world so get over yourself. We all suffer from Monday-itis.
Seriously, think about what I said.
Andrew
“Corporate City Finance, Financial Advice worth the price!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hello, you’ve reached the home of Andrew Theophilus, Financial Advisor. My apologies for being unavailable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEP”
“Dear God man, your message tone is about as boring and lifeless as your ties. What’s this about merging with Ishida International? I think if all goes to plan, soon, Locklear Construction will be mine! MINE! I will not hesitate to bankrupt any poor worthless soul who dares advertise competent service and provide me with less than satisfactory, sub-standard knock-offs, failing to reach the caliber that I uphold for my own company! Just you wait and see! Locklear Construction will suffer! -”
“… I think the damn thing just cut me off. Anyway, I’m here at the Bayside Club in the city. I’ll meet you here in forty-five to discuss this thing with Ishida International.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I dare not allude to what astounding illegal measures you have partaken to acquire this number, so unless you wish for me to strip you of your livelihood and watch with moderate amusement as you live clinging to the bare strands of survival on a God-forsaken spit of land, you had better save your breath for someone else. Because this is all your message will mean to me – nothing! BEEP.”
“JAMES IT IS THREE O’CLOCK IN THE BLOODY MORNING! Unlike you I have a LIFE. I NEED MY SLEEP! I don’t have time to listen to your future plans for world domination. So excuse me while I lose myself in the depths of an UNITERRUPTED slumber as I attempt to enjoy the only suspended state of blissful oblivion, that working for you have forthwith deprived me of. We will discuss Ishida International later this morning. Good day to you sir!”
--
List of things to do so I can achieve my ultimate goals and so my impertinent assistant will be appeased by my productivity which is conducive to a concise and structured manner
1. Demand my assistant bring me the hottest Starbuck’s coffee available
2. Reprimand Andrew for not meeting me at the bayside
3. Discuss with Michael and Andrew the prospects of merging with Ishida International
4. Lunch with Rachel, must bring up topic of breaking it off
5. Meeting with Head of the Department of Research – seems like good news
6. Drafting with Michael and Andrew the contracts and proposal letter
7. See if Ishida International has agreed to a time and place in which to meet
8. Remind myself to break it off with Rachel if mission impossible has failed
--
“Emily! Where’s my coffee? It had better be – oh and would you look at that. You even brought me a coaster. See? You’re learning.”
“Jay, she just gave you the eye-roll.”
“Good morning Andrew, why didn’t you meet me at the bayside? And why is your hair slicked back? It’s ridiculous, you look like James Bond.”
“Forgive me if I’m not the blond-haired blue-eyed English Muffin that you are. I actually appreciate my rugged Mediterranean physique. I’m tall dark and handsome and you - you simply look like a Vampire from an Anne Rice novel.”
“Why didn’t you meet me there this morning? You kept Rachel and I waiting.”
“You and Rachel? I thought you would have already given her the flick. You said that monogamy was not your style.”
“It isn’t, she’s a possessive, obsessive wench, that’s what she is. Why didn’t you meet me?”
“No need to be testy, little girl. You see, at night, I do something that you may be familiar with. It’s called sleep. You should try it, then perhaps you wouldn’t drink coffee strong enough to wake a dead horse and then you might be as so kind not to bark at your poor assistant every morning.”
“Don’t push it you Greek Freak.”
“You know you love me.”
“No. I love Michael, now shove off and help me differentiate the pros and cons of merging with Ishida International.”
“So, are you ready to meet Kiara?”
“Who the bloody hell is Kiara? You’re not pimping again, are you?”
“No, Kiara is the head of Ishida International of course.”
“…”
“Jay?”
“…”
“James? Are you alright? Are you blushing?”
THWACK!
“Argh! …What the hell? Jay! Oh look, and it was on my good cheek too, and now it’s going to bruise. I’m going to have to borrow a bit of Nancy’s make up to cover this up.”
“Of course I’m not blushing, you Greek Freak! Can’t you tell that my face is flushed with tremendous rage? How could you not inform me that the head of Ishida International was a woman! You know I cannot work with women!”
“Oh? Is that why Emily is the fourth assistant you’ve hired this month?”
“What the hell do you mean?”
“Oh come on, last week you fired that hottie, Sandra for – what was it? Oh yes, cleavage.”
“Exactly, she wasn’t displaying enough. She was wearing a turtle neck in spring. That’s an insult to testosterone.”
“What? That’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard…You fire people left, right and centre for the most pitiful reasons. It’s so ridiculous, I think your Human Resources manager is threatening to resign.”
“And she’s a woman! A man has got to have pride in his name and my name will not be hyphenated by a woman!”
“Oh for goodness sake, no one is going to get their name hyphenated.”
“But you know I don’t work well with women. I prefer to ruthlessly underhand males, look Emily already hates me and if you were female I’m sure you would be crying by now.”
“I imagine that you wouldn’t punch your female employees either. The only reason why Emily hates you after her first day is because you need to learn how to loosen up and get to bed a decent time.”
“I do get to bed at a decent time, it’s just that I don’t fall asleep unti – never mind.”
“Good, I don’t want to know what time you manage to get some shut eye after you and Rachel have finished.”
“Precisely my point, ‘business and pleasure don’t mix them together’ that’s my rhyming motto.”
“I thought your motto was ‘Beware, I sign your paychecks?’ …Regardless, if you can be mature about this and keep James Jr. down, then you’d might as well be one of the most successful, resourceful and wealthiest men in the world.”
“Hmm, that does sound enticing… Fine. Emily! Bring in Michael, we have a proposal to discuss.”
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